Mope over - time to move on

Right, enough of the moping already. I can't stand me moping, it's just boring.

I've been thinking about why the scales might not have budged and it could be a couple of reasons, but I think the principle one might be to do with some of my food choices over the weekend. Where I've eaten out and had takeaway, the food was most likely pretty damn high in sodium and MSG - that stuff makes me sooo thirsty afterwards, and I drank litres of liquid yesterday which I'd put down to the heat and the dehydrating effect of my run in the morning. I also had pasta for dinner last night, and I've noticed, since I eat far less of it these days, that I don't cope as well with it as other carbs. So overall, whilst I might have stayed in my points, I guess some of food choices weren't the wisest ... or at least they're having a bit of a hangover effect on me.

I've also failed miserably so far to add any new goals to my sidebar, which leaves me feeling a bit aimless. I spent a bit of time this morning adding a raft of new goals to my own personal tracker spreadsheet. I've broken my remaining loss down into lots of little markers to achieve - most of them not more than a few lbs apart, so hopefully there will be something I can tick off every couple of weeks. I break them down either by half stone losses to achieve - i.e. 2 1/2 stone, 4 stone, etc, or as actual weight targets. Since I'm going from a round 230lb (literally very round lol) to 160lb (my current goal), I've added goals to get to 190lbs, and every 5lb below that. Hopefully, this will help me focus a bit more.

So my next 3 goals are:

• Get to 190lbs - 3lb loss
• Get to 3 stones off - 5lb loss
• Get to BMI of 30 (no longer obese) - 8lb loss (which will also be my 185lb marker).

Seeing smaller goals to aim for makes things a bit more manageable for me. I've got 11 or those little steps to take me to goal, but I'm just going to post the first 3 up for the moment.

I'm also going to shake up my exercise schedule as I want to start doing Swiss Ball Pilates on a Wednesday, which means moving some of my other classes around - god knows what will end up going where - I'll just have to see what I'm able to book into. Going to the pilates class on Wednesday will mean trying to get another spinning session, which is easier said than done at my gym! On the other hand, doing pilates will make my physio happy.

A big fat nothing

Brilliant.

After a week of being good with my eating (hit my points exactly by the end of the week), exercising (including a 5 sodding km run) and saving some points by the end of it all (17.5 freakin' activity points), not to mention conquering the void of boredom that was Sunday evening, the result on the scales: absolutely bloody nothing.

What the hell was the point in that? I'm exactly where I was at the start of last week. In fact, technically, I'm the tiniest bit heavier, but since I don't bother working outside of the nearest half lb, I've effectively stayed the same.

Talk about bloody disheartening.

Warning - boredom levels reaching critical!

I'm not an emotional eater on the whole, but one thing above all others is liable to cause me to eat needlessly - boredom.

When I'm bored I do one of two things - I eat or I shop. It's like they're the easiest things to do to make me feel better, the quickest way to pick myself up.

And right now, I am really, really bored. This is why I eat at work too, but I digress, because all I can think about right now is eating something, anything, to while away the time. And I don't want to do that. I've already resorted to browsing all the internet sites I normally shop on, but since I don't want to spend money either, that's not really helping me much. I just want sugar right now. Biscuits would do. Or ice-cream. But I already had a measured portion of that for dessert after dinner.

I can't get the thought of food out of my head. I've been hungry all damn day. Except now I realise I haven't actually been hungry at all, I've just been damn bored. My stomach's not hungry, but my head is. Jeez - this is like being at work when all I can think about when I'm bored is what the next thing I will eat will be. Except at work, well, I have work to distract me, plus a limited amount of food available to me, and the scrutiny of my work colleagues to hold me in check. Here at home I have none of the above.

Wow - this sucks. I don't often get this much time to get bored, so I don't usually have this problem at home, but I've wandered in and out of the kitchen about a dozen times today already, eyeing up the cupboards, and I don't want to blow it now. And I've run out of telly to watch.

I'm not going to give into this. I'm going to go and clean out and sort through some more drawers - that should keep me occupied for a bit. And put some music on to dance around to too.

Give me bloody strength!!

Running, running, running

Let's see - what's new in the last 24 hours?

I had takeaway last night. When I got home from London there were takeaway cartons in the sink, left by my flatmate, and I thought oooooh - it's been a while since I had that! I've got loads of points left tonight, so why the hell not?

Actually, to be precise, I had half a takeawy last night. Since I'd had a big bowl of cereal as a late lunch when I got back from London, I wasn't actually tooooo hungry in the evening, so I split my meal. Dished up half, closed the container back up, and put the rest back in the fridge for today. Only having half the takeaway meant I wasn't ridiculously stuffed afterwards, so could have a little dessert, and I got takeaway today, and I got to save points. Hah!

(Wooohoooooo - the email I've been trying to send for the last 20 mins from my other / work laptop has just gone - thank god for that!!)

I then agreed to let my neighbour Sid drag me out for a run at 10am this morning. On the proviso that I was actually awake and up anyway.

Turns out I ended up waking up quite early, so in fact I was up way before running. I even had a chance to sort through another drawer of clothes and chuck some stuff out first. Which was kind of nice as it showed that stuff is fitting better and more bits were ready to go in the bin.

We ran 5k when we went and it was flippin' hot! We did another new route I've been wanting to try. It seemed long and knackering - especially since the first 10 and last 10 minutes were up bloody big hills, and with the sun beating down I just felt a bit sapped of energy, but I'm glad I did it - I always feel better when I get back.

I've spent the rest of the day just pottering and catching up on some work that I need to do for next week. I've still got tons of points to use, so I'm not sure what I'll have for tea.

The scales don't seem to have budged much this week, but I have been good, so I'm kind of hoping that they might at least show a small drop this week, as a pay off for my efforts!

Success!

I've had a great 24 hours in London at Hard Rock Calling, and better still I didn't go completely bonkers and blow my points budget. I made sensible choices, still had a little bit of everything I fancied, but didn't let it ruin my day.

The weather, which looked absolutely rubbish when I left home yesterday morning, turned out to be gloriously sunny and hot by the time I hit London. And with the exception of a few little clouds it stayed that way all afternoon and evening.

I did a little bit of food planning, so I had a sensible filling breakfast, and then picked up a light lunch when I stopped for petrol. The good thing with that was it then meant I knew exactly what I'd had already, and could plan out how I wanted to spend the rest of my points for the day. That turned out to be two lovely cold bottles of cider in Hyde Park and a burger for tea. It turns out it is the little choices that make the difference. While Tony had a 1/2lb cheeseburger, I just had a 1/4lb one - still completely full, just not as much calories and fat.

I've not bothered trying to point my activity for yesterday, but I'd guess that walking to and from the various tube stations, plus some rather enthusisatic dancing / jumping around to the music will have counted for something. I was even exceedingly good this morning - when the boys had bacon sandwiches for breakfast, I opted for toast and jam.

The nice thing with that all having been on a Friday is that now I've got the rest of the weekend to just chill out .... sweeeeeeeet.

Photos - then and now

Well, I promised some photos, so here they are. I don't know how much of change there is - sometimes I look and think loads, then I look again and think I imagined it. The top two were taken before I started this - the top one last summer, the middle one in November. I started WW's in January, and now here we are in June - the bottom photo.

Guess I'll just have to keep going until I definitely see a difference.

Mea Culpa

Following my post earlier on cocking up my food choices for the day, I've kicked myself up the ass - I more accurately I gave myself a good beasting in the form of a run. I cracked out a 3.8km run when I got home from work ... and I'm telling you now, it's mighty hot out there today!

Despite being off running for 2 weeks (well, getting on for 3 now!), I thought I'd start back with a route I've been wanting to try for a bit but hadn't got round to yet. Mostly because it goes up hill at the start and then downhill pretty much the whole rest of the way round. I consider myself well and truly kicked now.

The good thing with all the heat is it's killing my appetite. I'm still trying to work out what to have for dinner, if anything. I figure I should have something, but it's too damn hot to eat. Plus, the aforementioned lack of points left is cramping my style lol.

Ah well, shall go and inspect the fridge and then sort some packing out for tomorrow. And then I probably have to do some more work. Well, that sucks!

Oooh - and I'll find some time later to do the photos I was talking about the other day. I'm curious now to put them side by side and see if there really is a difference.

Laters.

Mistakes

Damn, damn, damn. My willpower is something like an urban legend - tales of it abound, but it's not often seen.

Bugger.

So I've been waxing lyrical recently on how I was going to be really good with the food, and in reality, I'm just not very good at that. It was going ok this week, and then last night my friend was round, and there were 4 cookies left in the tin, and I really wanted them, so we had 2 each, even though I knew perfectly well that I'd just reached my points allowance for the day.

Today we've just got back from a lunch buffet and I wasn't being too careful with what went on my plate, aside from not going back for seconds, but I've just pointed it up and now I'm out of points for today and have already gone over by about 2 or 3, and still have food this evening to consider.

I could swear blind that I'll get it back over the weekend, but realistically I'm going down to London overnight tomorrow for a concert in Hyde Park, so I probably won't save anything while I'm away.

And the scales are stubbornly refusing to move in either direction at the moment, which is really freakin' annoying. Hmmph.

No reason to give up just yet, but I'm annoyed with myself. Why is that something a small as a little restraint is beyond me? This is totally my problem - look at any area of trouble in my life and it's down to no self-control. I'm late or I miss deadlines because I didn't make the effort to get off my ass, stop doing whatever was more interesting, and doing something I was meant to be doing. I'm broke because I didn't make the decision to not spend all my money on stuff I can't really afford. And I'm overweight because I didn't bloody say no.

Basically, I'm just feeling guilty at the moment, that I'm just arsing around and not making as much progress as I feel I should be. It feels like not making a 100% effort is cheating myself somehow, and every little slip-up is a black mark against me. I suppose in reality, this is just life and it's hard to live it in a perfect little bubble of foody wholesomeness, but I'm struggling to see it that way.

I need a bloody kick up the arse. The only good thing is that I have at least added spinning to my activities done this week, so at least that's two bits of exercise accomplished.

I spent some time this morning looking up dance classes near me. I've been itching to have a go at street dance for ages, but I'm too scared that everyone else will be tiny. I found a group that meets near where I work once weekly which doesn't look toooooo scary, so I'm wondering whether to give that a go. I also found out that the dance studio I looked at a while ago in my home town has massively extended its timetable and now has loads of cool classes on there like street dance, hoop dancing, swiss ball pilates and kick-boxing, all of which I'd be interested in having a go at. Maybe I'll start with something gentle, and not too scary like the pilates and see how I go.

Therapy

Following the untimely shut down of the pity party yesterday (it was just too sunny out for me to waste that kind of energy on feeling less than smiley), I went on what is commonly known as the sympathy, or pick-me-up, shopping expedition. Clothes.

I've spoken about this before. Some people have an emotional relationship with food. I have one with shopping. Which might explain why I'm so goddamn, freakin', pitifully, stony broke pretty much the whole time.

I'm taking a new approach to shopping at the moment. Given that I keep having to do it, seeing as much of my previous wardrobe could be removed without actually undoing any zips / buttons / etc, I'm on damage limitation manouvers. Basically speaking, when I go, I can buy what I want, but no more than £40 in one trip.

Which is kind of like Weight Watchers when you come to think about it. Huh, who knew? The twin W's are sneaking into other parts of my life! Instead of a points allowance per day, it's £'s per week. But I digress.

I went in search of new work trousers last night. I have three pairs at the moment. One pair is blatantly too big, and only stays up by virtue of the addition of a belt. One pair did fit, but then I shrank them and they're now about 2 inches too short in the leg (never a good look). And the other pair is perfect. Except that I forgot to check the washing instructions when I bought them, and it turns out they're dry-clean only. Idiot.

Well, last night was the first night that I tried on a pair of size 16's (which is a 14 in the States / Canada I think for my lovely US / Canadian counterparts) and they actually fitted perfectly, straight off the bat, with no visible muffin top at all. Oh. YEAH.

So then, since I was feeling pretty good, I bought some white, yes white, jeans. Me. In white jeans. Never saw that one coming. Large arses are not flattered by pale colours, but I thought sod it, they actually look pretty good.

Guys - I know there's a few of you boys who read this - apologies for the protracted clothes talk - it'll be over in a minute - promise!

So work trousers, jeans and a stripey top, all for the bargain price of £38 - whooop - my budgeting prowess knows no bounds. Well, ok, actually it knows plenty, but I have to celebrate my budgeting triumphs where I can find them.

I am still aching like hell from Pump on Monday - I'm sure spin tonight will be kill or cure on that front, but I'm looking forward to it anyway. It's sooooo good to be back at the exercise (where's the real Sue, and what have you done with her ... she'd never have said anything that crazy), and I've missed it. I'm still suffering a few miscellaneous aches and pains from my back incident the other weekend, but I think I'm slowly on the mend (again).

Still being pretty damn good with the food this week. I'm holding my own at staying within points on food alone, and just counting my (rather measley amount of) activity points as extras. Be interesting to see if this strategy will pay off two weeks in a row, as I'd rather like another good loss this week, so I can make some headway before it all (inevitably) hits a slow patch again.

Pitiful really

I threw a total pity party earlier - one guest: me!

I think I got my knickers in twist about that fact that other parts of my life aren't just automatically falling into place as I lose weight. Specifically, that now I'm looking and feeling better, why are men not falling at my feet? Stupid, huh? I'm not sure why I expected that one particular aspect of my life to change as the weight fell away. I guess I've read too many trashy romance novels along the way, lol.

Anyhoo - the party's been broken up now, the pity's been packed away again, and I'm still stomping along the road to a better (if single) me.

Broken

There's not a lot to report today really. I went to Body Pump last night - after two weeks off for trips and injury, plus a new release to learn, it was pretty brutal - I am broken this morning. Wobbly legs and a stiff back.

Other than that, I was within my points, and plan on being within them again today. I have fruit to eat. There's not a lot else to say. Wow - this is a dull post! I shall leave you in peace and go and eat my banana. Job done.

The weekend

Right - a proper entry on the weekend.

Firstly - for all the people commenting on the milkshakes - the company is For Heaven Shakes, and they'll be at various festivals and get-togethers round the UK this summer. And you're damn right those milkshakes are good! I'm currently trying to persuade the lovely Kirsty that she should get a license and sell alcoholic versions too!

I've actually had a really chilled out weekend, although in typical fashion, my plans to stay home and do nothing at all were foxed as I then got 3 separate invitations to go and spend time with friends.

Friday afternoon was really laid back - I went to the hairdressers for a bit of pampering (and a shiny new haircut obviously!) and then just wandered home and crashed. Sid texted later to say he was finishing work really late, and did I want to grab a takeaway with him when he got back. I was just about to start cooking healthy stir-fry, and although I was tempted by the takeaway idea, I thought about how rubbish I usually feel afterwards from all the salt and MSG and made the informed decision not to indulge. I am a paragon of self-restraint. Well, sometimes.

Saturday, I've already talked a bit about, and our day at the show. I'd actually arranged to have dinner with my friend Jo after the show, so I had about an hour when I got home to chill for a bit and grab a shower before she came round. I decided to wear my lovely new maxi dress out with a big belt to give it a bit of shape. I was feeling really good between my clothes and the haircut (and the scales still behaving), and I think it's interesting how that seemed to give me the will power to make better choices at dinner.

We went to Ask in town (the Italian chain) and were lucky to get one of the final 3 walk-in tables. I picked out a gorgeous dish with chicken breast, sun-blush tomatoes and mushrooms in a tomato and garlic sauce - lush, and not a bit of cheese or cream in sight! Our waiter made me laugh as I'd swear blind he was trying to flirt with us a bit, but can't have been older than about 19 or 20. He was also soooooooo slow at serving us, but that didn't really matter as we were just having a leisurely, gossipy dinner.

So all in all, there was I feeling quite attractive for once. Then I went upstairs to visit the toilets, and I started to get so paranoid as I felt everyone was looking at me! The restaurant setup is a bit odd, because there's a few tables downstairs at street level where we were sitting, but most of them are upstairs where the floor area's much bigger, and gives out onto a big terrace at the back. To get to the toilets you have to walk right across the room from the head of the stairs at the front over to the very back, and I swear to god I caught the eye of at least one person at every table. I instantly started to feel completely self-aware, wondering if I'd popped out of my dress (it's quite low cut), or else somehow caught my dress of something, or if it had gone see-through in the light (it's cotton - I checked this when I first got it, and in certain lights you can see the outline of legs, but nothing more that I know of).

Anyway, I guess I'll never know what it was, but Jo and I had a good giggle when I got back to the table over the fact that we both always assume the worst.

When we got back to my flat, Jo and I had a bit of a photo swapping session from all the trips and days out we've been on recently. Sid had popped round again by this point and as we were looking through the photos we flipped past some from Dahab last November. I'd not really thought about it, but both of them commented on how different I looked in the photos, and though I hadn't really noticed it before, they might have a point. I'll pull out the photos when I get home, and post them up on here, so you can see what you think!


I spent most of yesterday morning going on a second journey through my wardrobe chucking out stuff, and there's another heap of stuff gone. The wardrobe's starting to look distinctly bare now, which is a bit worrying! I still occasionally worry that I'm chucking all this stuff out, and I might need it again one day, but I'm determined that that won't be the case. I know how to control my weight now, even if I'm still on the journey downwards. But once I get where I'm going, I now have the tools to stay there, and to halt / reverse any upwards movements that I'm not happy with. That's quite empowering really!


Yesterday afternoon was spent lounging in the park with a group of friends. The park is literally just round the corner from my flat, and every Sunday afternoon during the summer the local brass band do a two hour concert from the bandstand, with a repertoire of modern, classical and show tunes. When the weather's nice the lawns surrounding the bandstand quickly fill up with groups of people with picnic rugs and there's a local ice-cream seller with his cart, as well as drinks supplied from the bar of the theatre, which is literally just at the top of the gardens. It's a really nice, chilled out way to spend an afternoon - complete with a treat size bag of chocolate and a punnet of raspberries. Shame the sun didn't really make an appearance to complete things, but at least it didn't rain either.

Now it's a new week - nothing too taxing socially this week - I'm back to the gym to do Body Pump this evening, but with light weights so I don't do anything further to my back. I might see if I feel up to going on a little jog tomorrow evening or maybe Thursday, and I'll be spinning on Wednesday. I'm heading down to London on Friday for Hard Rock Calling in Hyde Park - The Kooks and The Killers are headlining and hopefully the weather will be kind. I was meant to be spending the whole weekend down there, but the friend I was going to visit afterwards has been called away to give a political speech in Serbia (what a cool excuse!), and in a way I'm quite grateful to have the rest of the weekend to come home and take the pressure of my diet and my wallet!

Adios, mon amigos!

Halfway there!

Just a quick update - I did my official weigh in this morning, and lost 4lbs.

FINALLY!!!! That's all I'm going to say!

2.5 stone gone (and 5th Weight Watchers' silver star collected), under 14 stone for the first time in I can't remember how long, and over half way along my current journey to goal. Awesome.

I'm going to have to put some new goals in on the sidebar now, since I've finally achieved all the ones that are currently in there ... I shall go away and have a think.

Shaking things up

The scales are still playing head-games with me today - they're still resolutely sticking at the lower weight - I'm not sure if they're playing the long con, and waiting for Monday to surprise me, or if I'm just overly sceptical!

I've just got back from an ace day at a big local show (kind of an agricultural show, but with loads more stuff), and honestly I was dreading updating my tracker, because I thought I'd monumentally cocked up on the food front. Surprisingly though, I'm still 5.5 points under for the day, and even with conservatively pointing the amount of walking we've done it's added 11 points to my tracker for activity, so I've somehow saved points overall instead. This is a bloody surprise I tell you! My food today has consisted of healthy porridge for breakfast with some tinned apricots added on top, but then a hot dog for lunch with amazing organic sausages at the show and some fudge. God I've eaten well-balance diet today, haven't I???? Dairy - tick. Protein - tick. Carbs - tick. Fruit - tick. Yep - totally balanced lol.

There was also the milkshake. I'll tell you all about the milkshake. Some friends of mine have taken the summer off work to do something they've wanted to do for ages - they've bought themselves a catering trailer and are spending the summer season touring round shows and festivals making and selling milkshakes. They were trading at the show today, so naturally we had to go have a milkshake and show them support, and I'll be honest, although I'm no fan of commercial milkshakes, like the sort you get from fast food outlets, these bad boys are in a league of their own, and it's no hardship to "have" to buy one.

They make them to order as they go along and you just pick what ingredients you feel like having. I chose a raspberry and white chocolate one - fresh raspberries, a whole Milky Bar, Cornish vanilla ice-cream and full fat milk. A little bit of heaven from the wonderfully named For Heaven's Shakes. And you know what - I knew it wouldn't be healthy before I ever got to the show ground, so I decided that any milkshake I had would be off the points - I wouldn't even worry about it, because there's no point. I very rarely have anything like that, so there's no point wrecking the rest of the day stressing the points. Good choice. I've just enjoyed myself today.

Just got to work out what to have for dinner now .... I honestly I feel a bit like there is no room left in my stomach, so not entirely sure where any food is going to go. It's been really surprising today how clearly the sensation of being full after eating, and just not wanting any more food, has felt. I think that's a step forward, isn't it?

PSYCHE!!!

I think my scales are trying to psyche me out. Really. I'm not paranoid I promise.

I stepped on them this morning, and instead of squealing at me to get the hell off them, they said congratulations, you magically lost another 4 lbs over night! What? Did some come along and cut off part of a limb when I wasn't looking? That can't possibly be right. So I stepped on them again. And again. They said what? You think we're lying to you? We're hurt - as if we'd do such a thing!

I'm convinced the punchline will come tomorrow when I step on them and they yell SUCKEEEEERRRRR!!!!!!

So, aside from scale-related conspiracy theory paranoia, life ain't too bad. We had a lunch buffet at work yesterday. As usual, I think the catering staff misread the lunch request and thought there was another "0" on the end of the number of attendees - can't think why else they'd send up enough food to feed a small country of starving Africans. And all of it about a million calories a mouthful. Even the fruit skewers came smothered in hot chocolate sauce. Thank you catering staff, for successfully sabotaging my day. Really. It's much appreciated. I'll be sure to send you a Christmas card. Arseholes!

It also worries me that it is senior management's opinion that hard work deserves to rewarded with food. Seriously - we can feed ourselves, guys, you don't pay us that little. Give us something helpful. Money's always good if you're really stuck for ideas!!

After work, I went with my Dad to the theatre to see the fabulously smutty stage version of the equally fabulously smutty tv show 'Allo 'Allo. Until you've seen an gay Nazi lieutenant walk in on an English spy dressed a policeman apparently humping a French cafe owner, who is in turn apparently humping a blow up doll of Hitler, you've not lived, I tells ya! Yes, it's silly, yes, it's deeply un-PC (but who the fuck cares?), and yes, it's funny. Although it feels a little wrong to be sat laughing at things like that next to my Dad. And jokes about flaps and big choppers. But he was laughing harder than I was, so I figure it was ok!

And that was yesterday. I saw my flatmate briefly as I was running out the flat (late as always), and apparently we're talking again. By which I mean we were both super-nice to each other because we can't be bothered with confronting awkwardness. I'm so super-nice I even gave her my last two French Fancies. Does it get any nicer than that. Hmmm - use of food as a peace offering ... probably another habit I should cut!

Don't stop me now!

I got back to spin last night, after a whole 2 weeks away from the gym. It was good to be back, although I very nearly wasn't. It turns out that I can be a very mean person when it comes down to someone getting in the way of my exercise.

I was a bit short on time last night between leaving work, shooting into the supermarket on the way home to pick up some goodies for the girls and getting home, getting changed and getting my ass to the gym. I thought I was ok for time though and rocked up to the gym on the dot of half past. Note the empahsis on "thought", as it would appear that my watch is lagging behind time again as the class was already warming up and there wasn't a spare bike to be seen. They'd given my place away to someone else!!!

Roaring in frustrated determination, out came my inner bitch. Errrr ... I should probably just reassure you that the roaring was purely figurative and internalised ... I think actual roaring in the gym is probably frowned upon, and in any case, would be very un-ladylike. And heaven forbid that I should be un-ladylike. Could be fun though. Anyhoo - I marched up to the spin circle, smiled sweetly, and said in a (really) loud cheerful voice "Right - who was on the reserve list then????" whilst looking round with an enquiring expression, and a metaphorical thumb jerked over my shoulder to metaphorically add "in which case take a hike, buddy, cos you're on my bike!".

There was a (long) 2 second pause, before someone started to shuffle off their bike and walk away with their head hung low. Ok, their head probably wasn't actually hung low, but they did sort of seem to slink away. I will not feel bad though! Because, damnit, I was there to spin!!! Ruthless in the face of opposition. lol

I did feel the teensiest bit bad though, as I got on the bike, that I then had to announce that I wouldn't be doing any of the sprints / races in the class as I didn't want to jar my back again. So having booted someone out the class, I wasn't actually going to do 100% effort. But you know what - I booked that damn spot in the class, so THERE!

Class was good, although insanely hot - we were literally dripping sweat - and it was great to be back doing something active again. What surprised me is that even after 2 weeks of no gym / strenuous exercise, spin still didn't kill me. I actually really miss the days when it used to leave me staggering off the bike on jellied legs, trying desperately to catch my breath. Nowadays, I work up a sweat and feel pleasently used, but that's it, and apart from just hiking the resistance up to new levels, there's not much I can do to recapture that original feeling. I think maybe I need a new challenge. Aside from the running that is. Maybe Body Combat.

Away from the gym, things are ticking over nicely - I'm eating well and drinking plenty. And I clocked 8 portions of fruit and veg yesterday!!! Whoop! Aaaaannnnd .... halleleujah!!! ... the scales slid south of 14 stone this morning!!!

*Runs around the room doing weird celebratory plane impersonations like a 5 year old*

I ROCK!!!!!!

Just one minor glitch really. I had a bit of an unintentional barney with my flatmate last night, right before the girls came round, over the fact that she gave her boyfriend his own key to our flat and didn't even tell me, nevermind ask me if I minded. She basically threw a strop, and said it didn't matter anyway as she'd be moving out within six months (to go live with him, one assumes) and so I should consider this my notice to find a new flatmate.

Our little flat is being broken up, and I have such mixed feelings about it. I hate, hate, hate the stress of finding a flat / flatmate, as I've had such horrible experiences with it in the past. And I adore our current flat, because of its location, easy going landlord and of course living right next door to the boys. And until my flatmate started going out with her current bloke, she was ace to live with. I also have to admit though that I've not felt as comfortable since she did, and now look forward to times when they hole up down at his and I have the place to myself.

I'm not sure quite what I'll do next, as I can't afford to keep the flat on my own, so it's all really open-ended. I hate this shit - change, when I don't know what the outcome is, just upsets me. Stresses me out. Bummer.

Technical hitch ... all sorted now!

I've just been advised that the code's gone a bit hinky, and the blog won't accept comments at the moment. I'm on it, and will try and fix as soon as. Promise!

In the meantime - I have to go spin.

Laters.

******

Edit - I seem to have sorted it out now, so hopefully I can once again receive all your lovely comments. Have I mentioned how much I love comments recently??? No?? Well, really, I do!! So bring it on.

Just keep on keeping on

You know the phrase "banging your head against a brick wall"?

Well, I've felt rather like that's what I've been doing for the last 5 weeks or so. My weight's gone down a bit, then it's gone up, it's been down, it's stayed the same, but not a lot of progress has been made overall. My head wasn't strong enough to break the wall I'd run up against, but I just kept on headbutting it anyway, getting frustrated, but not getting anywhere much.

Persistence appears to be the key though. Every little time I made an effort, every time I hit that wall, made an impact. I might not have been able to see it, but weaknesses appeared, and then this morning it's like a little chunk finally fell out the wall - a visible sign of the impact I've made. The scales finally moved down again.

The point I'm trying to make - persistence pays off. Doesn't matter if you feel like you're trying to smash through a wall with your head, or cut down a tree with a nail file, or even just chipping away at all those unwanted stones of flesh on your body, one tiny pound at a time - it all adds up. You might not always see it, but one day you'll turn around and realise how far you've come.

Excuse the horribly mixed metaphors - I know they don't make a whole lot of sense - blame it on addled brains after all that proverbial head-banging!

What's more exciting than the glimmer of hope that the scales might start moving in the desired direction? That I think I've formed a new, good habit. One I can take away and use elsewhere in my life. Persistence. I haven't given up. Not even when things didn't look so good. When I've tripped up, I've picked myself up and started again. When the road took a detour, I kept on plodding. When the destination looked so bloody far away that I want to cry, I just looked at my feet and kept on walking, one little step at a time ... and if I keep doing that - mostly concentrating on what my feet are doing and the ground right in front of me, and just occasionally checking that I'm still heading in the right general direction, I'll get there.

More mixed metaphors - sorry.

The good thing with this persistence malarkey, is that it will carry me clean past goal if I let it. Into maintaining my new healthy lifestyle. Through whatever challenge I set myself next, because really, it's just the power to make the right decision every time something is put in your path. To weigh up the pros and cons, and decide which you want more at the end of the day. And it seems that most decisions come down to whether you want instant gratification or a long term return.

Talking of which - I've just been given a chocolate chip muffin. Because I'm a geek I got the nutritional information and just worked out that that bastard's 7.5 points. I don't want it but can't really give it back - any suggestions on what to do with it???? Seems a bit of a waste to just put it in the bin, but then I don't want to put it in my mouth either!!!! Bugger. It's sat on my desk giving me evils at the moment.

Not that it really matters - I've got my mojo back, and my self-belief, and my confidence in my ability to make the right decisions.

My back's also well on the way to being better. I can MOVE AGAIN!!!! YAAAAAAAY!

So I'm muchos looking forward to returning to spin class tonight. I'm just going to take it easy, but I can't wait for the easy camaraderie of class, and just doing something. After that I've got some of the girls coming over for a little catch up - good times ahead.

Revamp

I've had a bit of a play with the look of the blog - I'm working up to doing a custom design, so don't be surprised if the look changes again at some point! :o)

Still down

I'm still hanging in here. I'm still a grumpy bitch about this. And right now, I can't find a comfortable position to sit in, which is driving me nuts, as I'm going to be sat at this desk til 6 this evening (it's now 10.15 am), and that's a long time to not be able to find a way to be comfortable.

I tried going for a walk yesterday evening, just because I thought it would help to keep moving and stretching, as it as helped wandering round the office at intervals yesterday. It helped my back a bit I think, but it wasn't so good for all the muscles in my leg that are tight as a result of my back pain (it's a knock-on thing, my physio says - a result of the way I hold myself when I'm in pain or safe-guarding my back). My left hamstring was so tight that I could only take baby-steps, and I'm not kidding that it took me 30 mins to totter round a circuit of somewhat under a mile. And I was so knackered afterwards!! How pathetic is that?? Still, better to be outside and doing something that nothing.

Other than that I spent the evening stretched out on my bed watching tv.

Food-wise, I'm was pretty good. I had loads of fruit and veg yesterday, and had salmon and couscous for tea. I've only just realised that I've been dishing myself up too big a portion of the couscous the last couple of times I've had it. I'd been thinking that the packet was two portions, but it is in fact 3 - thought the portion size vs the points was too good to be true! Still, it's still a pretty good size portion, so I'm not complaining, and I was still full afterwards. I also had comfort food dessert - ice-cream and chopped banana with some chocolate powder sprinkled on top - all fully pointed in my day's allowance, so it was pretty nice to wallow in that luxury whilst watching trashy tv.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more interesting than that to report at the moment. My sense of humour seems to have failed me, and the adventures are lacking and I'm generally just feeling a bit grey and gloomy.

Better

Savouring dessert whilst watching 90210 - god I love dessert - best bit of the day. I'm going to make this last. Glad this day has finally had a highlight to it.

Rant Warning!

I'm warning you right now - this post is going to be a ranty, whiny, it's-so-not-fair kind of post. So if you don't feel up to that with your morning coffee, probably a good idea to skip straight to someone elses's blog right now.

******

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!!!!! My damn back has gone again. Just when I thought that I was over the last lot of random injury and my ankle was returning to a normal size and I was looking forward to getting back to exercise this week. I bent over ever so slightly to do something yesterday - yes, it really was as completely innocuous as it sounds, a nothing movement - and there was a horrible pop in my lower back followed by a flash of pain. As usual I just froze and thought "Oh God no - not again!!".

It wasn't so bad after that yesterday, it seemed to ease up over the afternoon and I thought I'd got away with it, but I woke in the middle of the night and couldn't move, and that's pretty much the way I am right now. Everything hurts. Sitting hurts. Standing hurts. Moving from sitting to standing hurts. Moving full-stop hurts. Lying down hurts. I've eaten as many painkillers as I can already, and everything still HURTS.

I bloody hate this. Why the hell am I falling apart like this at the grand age of 28???? It's not bloody FAIR.

I've got stronger painkillers, but I can't take them as I need to be at work today, and I can't drive if I take them. So I've struggled into work amidst various cursing and impending tearful moments, and as soon as I've done what has to be done, I'm fucking off home and dosing up on the good stuff. Which I'm a bit scared to use as it's Diazepam - otherwise known as good old Valium - and will most likely completely space me out. I'm also scared to use it as I know loads of people develop dependencies on it, and I have about the most addictive personality on the planet. Hell, I've stayed well away from cigarettes and drugs my whole life because, aside from the obvious health benefits of doing so, I know that with my levels of self-restraint it's a road to disaster. But, goddamnit, this HURTS.

Just to make my day better, my period snuck up on me when I wasn't looking, bringing with it its usual miscellaneous assortment of aches, pains and grouchiness (although possibly also explaining my cravings for all things sugar-loaded the past couple of days), so now I just feel gross on top of in pain.

I lost a lb at weigh in this morning, so I'm now back where I was before Norway, i.e. hovering just above the 14st point STILL not fucking going anyway. What the hell??? I need to get off my ass and get moving below here. Except I can't fucking get off my ass because it's bloody well HURTS!!!!

And I'm getting grumpier just writing this, so I'm going to stop before I burst into irrational tears in the middle of my office, or start throwing things at unsuspecting colleagues.

I might be in a mildly better mood later. Or in a chemical induced haze. I'm not sure which.

Lazy days

I'm about as relaxed as it gets right now. I'm still in bed (ok, it's only half 9 so that's not too bad), I've had my breakfast (in bed!) and I'm feeling totally rested, thanks to zonking out at 10pm last night.

I'd forgotten how easy weekends can be when you stay home and don't have anything to get in the way of your food-planning. Up til dinner-time yesterday I was doing brilliantly, and just feeling totally like WW's is no trouble at all. I went a bit off-line at dinner-time though as I decided to cook for one of the boys next door as well as myself (I owe them about 10,000 hot dinners at the time of writing as they cook for us all the time). I'd decided to a mushroom risotto earlier in the day, and then because it was Sid, and he can't be doing with all vegetarian food, I switched to doing a variant with chicken and spinach in too. All good so far. What killed it was the 4 slices of French stick with butter than I had with the risotto, which I wouldn't have bothered with had I been alone. Damn. I have to stop pampering to other people's tastes when I'm the one doing the cooking. Damn. Damn. Damn.

Still - the bread and butter was lovely, and it's only a 6 point deficit for the whole week - 4 of which I can peel back today, but I'm still annoyed with myself. This is the one thing I struggle with on WW's. On my own, I will make the right choices, or at least manage my intake properly, every time. Stick me in a social situation and I crumble ... like some really crumbly thing that I can't think of a good analogy for right now.

It's now a fresh new day, and that's all that matters though. I'm having tea with my dad and grandma this afternoon. Tea in our family follow the old tradition of good ol' Engligh afternoon high tea - i.e. about one savoury course (usually sandwiches and maybe little dinky sausage rolls), and about 4 courses of cake. Luckily, I'm pretty good at being pretty good on these afternoons, and Dad knows I'm watching what I eat so isn't too much of a food pusher anyway. In any case - I'm planning - will reduce my points by 4 today anyway, and deduct 10 for tea, which leaves me about 9 for the rest of the day - easy! It looks like being another nice day, so I'm going to make a batch of soup and do some tidying and have lunch out on the balcony. Oh, and stroll along to the gym to finally take my long-suffering physio her cheque since I finally manged to locate my chequebook in the carnage I call my room yesterday - woooohoooo!

Oh - and the ankle's finally on the mend. Back to Body Pump tomorrow I think, and then some gentle walking / running and spinning later in the week. Exercise - how I have missed thee!! :o)

Food, glorious food!

It's official - I luuuuurve food shopping at the moment. The sight of all the colours in my trolley, and all the lovely stuff that I've got to eat during the week, puts a smile on my face. Mind you, it also puts a dent in my wallet! Never, ever, go food-shopping when you're hungry - huuuuuuuge mistake! £70-odd my shop cost me last night. And that's just for me. Ouch. But there's lots of tasty, gorgeous food in there!

I try to steer my shopping away from becoming too dependent on diet-specific food, as that's not how I want to be living my life when I get to goal. I want to make sustainable choices, get the best for my money, and also put as much good, wholesome stuff down my neck as possible, opposed to artificial nonsense.

Having said that, I do use some diet products to help me cut corners. Like Weight Watchers pitta breads. I love pitta; love, love, love it! But it's an easy one to cut points on without losing too much taste. While I'm focusing on shedding the pounds, I'm content to eat their slightly anorexic white pittas. When I start maintaining though it's going to be wholewheat with seeds and nuts all the way - extra yum! Unfortunately, also an extra 0.5-1 point per pitta. Damn. I like Weight Watchers yoghurts for lunch, but there's so many lovely organic flavours out there that I look forward to trying later. I do get Options hot chocolate for a lighter drink alternative, and low fat ice-cream and a few other bits, but for the most part I concentrate on cooking from scratch - lean meat, loads of fresh veg and fruit, basic starches like potatoes, sweet potatoes, rice, couscous and pasta and lots of herbs and spices. Oxo stock cubes are probably my saviour for allowing me to add points-free tastiness to savoury dishes. And mini meringues for luxury, but light, puddings.

Here's a sneak peek of what I bought yesterday:

• Leeks, new potatoes, jacket potatoes, onions, sweet potato, a living lettuce, satsumas, strawberries, baby carrots and tenderstem broccoli, stir-fry veg (baby corn, mange tout and baby carrots). Basically lots and lots of crunchy colour. The living lettuce is ace - it's three different varieties, fully matured, in a little pot for a whole £1.39! For a person shopping for one, salad is a nightmare because you never get through it all before it goes over - but the beauty of this is that it's still growing and getting food and water. I don't know if it will keep regenerating and put out new shoots, but even if if doesn't, it'll live long enough for me to eat it all!
• A massive punnet of mushrooms - going to make risotto this week, and maybe try my hand at a mushroom soup or stroganoff. I love mushrooms so much, so it's brilliant that they're free. Creamy mushrooms on toast is also lush.
• Venison burgers - these things are legendary - two full size burgers is a measly 3.5 points for the pair. Just plain grilled (I do them on the George Foreman) and they're lovely. I had them with some of the broccoli and carrots and a jacketed sweet potato last night .... mmmmm mmmmm. I might play around with them for the summer as actual burgers with salad and a bun - maybe open, so only using 1 bun between them both.
• Salmon fillets - a recent rediscovery of mine - it was ages since I last had salmon, and I realised what I've been missing. Generally I oven bake them wrapped in foil with some lemon and black pepper, and eat with couscous or a jacket potato, but I might monkey around with some pasta, extra light Philadelphia (another staple of mine!), dill and paprika this week.
• Couscous - I'm so slow that I only latched on to this a couple of weeks ago - bought my usual Mediterranean tomato this week, and also some mushroom and garlic couscous to try. I use Sammy's Organic to avoid nasty flavourings and preservatives.
• Yoghurts - lots of yoghurts. Both Weight Watchers to take to work, and pro-biotic natural yoghurt to eat with compote and dried fruit at home.
• Small packs of cooked chicken - pre-portioned and pointed - it's quick and easy for me to use in lunches. Also small packets of wafer thin chicken for lunchtime wraps.
• Pittas and petit pain - can't beat fresh from the oven bread! Which I will be eating today for lunch with ...
• Sea Food and Eat It fresh brown crab. I can. Not. Wait. Bit of salad, maybe some mayo. Heaven.
• Organic skimmed milk.
• Special K - addicted to this stuff for breakfast, but also as a great filler when I'm starving and need something substantial quick, or when I'm not hugely hungry at teatime. I always measure my bowl (30g portion), and have with skimmed milk. I love the creamy red berries version.
• Eggs!! Ages ago, I read that you shouldn't eat more than 2 eggs a week as it was bad for your cholesterol. So imagine my delight when I was reading Zest last week (British women's health, fitness and well-being magazine - it's good!) and they said that new research showed that this wasn't true, and eggs were just plain good for you! I broke my cereal habit this morning to have scrambled eggs on a toasted wholewheat English muffin. Lover-ly! The muffins were in the trolley last night too.
• Squash (sugar-free) as I get through litres of the stuff - how I get my liquids for the day! And orange juice to have with breakfast.
• Chocolate. Because every girl (and boy) should have chocolate! I take mine in the form of Cadbury Buttons in treat-size packs. I refuse to eat crappy diet chocolate (and I know many will argue that Cadbury is crappy anyway, but it has its place next to the good stuff a.k.a. 70%+ cocoa solids chocolate/gold), but by having treatsize packs, my portions are pre-controlled, I know what I'm getting points-wise, and I damn well savour every bit of it.

As I'm sure you've probably all snoozed off by now, you can wake up again!

I was feeling a bit glum this morning after my ritual face-up the scales (I swear they sneered at me ... or maybe it was an evil grin - who knows?), as my weight had bounced back up from yesterday's little drop. I know that this is probably the effect of the long weekend's eating catching up, and that it will go back down again if I stick to what I'm doing, but it's just a bit aggravating on top of my inability to exercise on my still sore / swollen ankle. I'm just a tad paranoid that's it all going to go horribly wrong, if you hadn't spotted that already!!!!

Still - I will not let it get me down. I have a lovely relaxing weekend to look forward to (read into that: I have nothing planned and refuse to let myself be negative about it!) and 3 people have complimented me on the dress I'm wearing today, as well as one comment from a 4th person that I'm doing so well on my weight loss crusade. This is a good chance to give myself some much needed rest time, and maybe even some *gasp* tidying and organisation time!

On the other hand, I might just see who's about and do some social plotting .......

*sidles off with a cunning grin on her face*

Old school

My foot / ankle is still buggered, so right now most exercise is off the agenda. I'm therefore taking an old school approach to things and just concentrating on the food - on getting it right, and not cheating. I think I usually rely too much on my activity points to pull me out of trouble and I let them give me a license to slide in sly little treats under the Weight Watchers radar. Maybe for the next couple of weeks I should stop counting my activity points (but still exercise as usual), and just concentrate on getting my food right.

I've been reading a lot recently about the different views among the bloggers on receiving comments / compliments about weight loss.

People seem to fall firmly into two camps - those who love receiving comments and those who hate it. I see it this way: I like comments because then I know I'm making progress, and I'm not just kidding myself. They make me feel a success. I know that a lot of people look at them negatively - that the very act of commenting on a loss reminds them that they had something to lose in the first place, but at the end of the day, it's the truth. After all - I came to that very same conclusion myself, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this. Ultimately, I'm doing this for me, so it shouldn't matter what others think, but we're only human, and the approval of the "crowd" does matter to most people. It shouldn't, but it generally does.

I had the funniest compliment yesterday. One of the young girls in our office (she's only 21) asked if I'd been losing weight. When I replied that I had, she looked relieved and said that she thought I had, and had wanted to compliment me on it, but then wasn't sure if I'd been trying to or not, and hadn't wanted to say anything just in case she offended me. It seems a silly society when we're too afraid of hurting someone's feelings to compliment them. Compliments are good - they make us feel good, and then give pleasure when passed along and they make someone else's day. Go on ..... give someone a heartfelt compliment today - there's always something nice to say!

In fact, I was reading something yesterday about charisma, and the secrets of charismatic people. Giving compliments is one of their features - people feel good around that person, and feel like they are the focus of positive attention. So there you go - this blog isn't just about weight loss - it's about self-improvement too! Lol. I could so be a guru!

Having a heart to heart with myself

Ok - honestly, I'm now feeling a little bit disappointed with myself. I updated my tracker spreadsheet that I (geekily) keep to monitor my progress, and it's become quite clear to me that I'm slowly slipping in my goals.

When I started the tracker back in Feb or thereabouts, I looked to be well on the way to getting to goal by the time I go to Egypt in November. In fact, it looked like I would get there at the beginning of November, giving me a couple of weeks leeway. Now the projection is that I won't get there til pretty much the end of the year.

I know this doesn't sound much, but if that keeps sliding away it'll be well in to next year before I get there, or I just won't get there at all. Looking back through my posts on here, I can see a common theme emerging. And it sounds remarkably like this:

• Yeah!! I'm totally going to reach this goal, x, at by this week, y!!!! Yeah!!!!
• Oh, well, actually, this social event, z, got in the way, but never mind, because I can still totally make it. Yeah!!!
• Oh man - I'm totally going to have to pull my socks up to make that target. But I can do it. I can be that good. Honestly. Yeah.
• So I might have slipped up a little. I didn't quite make it. I know I promised I would, and I know I planned it all out, but it's ok, because I had a really good time doing whatever it was that seemed more important instead. And there's always next time.
• In fact I'm going to make another goal right now!!! And go back to step 1.

I know that I am making progress of a sorts - but I go through too many phases where my efforts are altogether too half-assed. And I am waaaay too good at making excuses for myself. After all - I've had 28 years to practice it.

Wouldn't it be good if there were easy ways to keep ourselves on track.

• An electronic shock from the scales if you don't get a loss of some sort.
• Speaking scales that not just announce your weight, but also any gains in an obnoxiously loud voice. That way it won't make any difference if you lock yourself away in the bathroom as your neighbours will be rooting for you to make the damn loss every week anyway!
• A treadmill that won't actually stop and let you off until you've done the required amount of exercise.
• TV that won't come on / stay on unless you're doing some form of exercise
• Curfew 5 nights a week - actually enforced by some independent third party, complete with prison-ankle-tracker-type arrangement.
• Your friends won't actually let you go on holiday until you've met the target you set!

This last one is the killer for me. I'm heading off to Scotland with friends in 5 and a half weeks. When I did my original tracker, I was supposed to be under 13 stone by then. I was so damn excited about that. And yet here I am - 5 weigh ins to go before I leave, and still struggling to get into the 13's, never mind back out of them.

How many times have I written in this blog about how amazed and grateful I am that I haven't given up yet? Answer: More than a few. But does 90% effort really count? How about 75% or 50%? Because that's what's happening most weeks. I can honestly say that I can't think of a single week where I've had a 100% perfect week. I'm not even sure there was one right at the very beginning, it's just that when you're starting out, your body is a lot more forgiving of your little slips, because it's still in shock that you're doing anything at all!!

So, yet again, I think I need to go back to basics. To taking every day one at a time. Trying to eat the right things, move my ass a bit, and not let the weekends sneak up behind me and smack me round the back of the head. Because apparently, that's all a bit harder than I make it sound!

This is now my 4th week stuck at this weight - hovering just about 14 stone. I'm so excited to get into the 13's and yet somehow I'm not getting there. I got to 14st 3lbs. Then I stayed there for a week. Then I dropped 2lbs. Then I put a lb back on. Enough of this namby-pamby watery version of WW's. The only way I'm going to get there is to do it properly. Because I do not want to fail at yet another thing. And, yes, by failing I am including do it in a completely half-assed kind of way and getting there later than everybody else. For once in my life, I WILL be successful at this. Damn it - I REFUSE to give in on this point!

1lb on

Yeah - a whole lb!! I can live with that.

I'm straight back on it this morning - point, point, pointing all the way, so will be a good girl for the rest of the week now. It's actually quite nice to get back and be in control of what goes in my mouth actually.

Not much else to say today, other than it's depressing being back at work in gloomy England, but only 5 weeks before I'm off on holiday again - such a tough life isn't it??

I'm baaaack!

Evening troopers!! How's it going? Missed me much?? Even noticed that I wasn't here? Oh well, you've all got your own lives so I'll forgive you, but in any case, I have returned from my brief sojourn to Norway. And it were right lover-ly!!!

We have walked, and walked, and walked a bit more these last couple of days. So if that doesn't earn me some brownie points I don't know what will! But, on the flip side, I've also been off the points since Thursday, and there's been some cake, dinners out, McDonalds (I know - but we were starving and there was literally nowhere else open because we arrived in Oslo at 11pm and promptly got lost) and pizza at the airport, so it's hard to say which way things are going to go!

I should have weighed in yesterday for a normal week, but it's now going to be tomorrow morning - stay tuned to find out what happens! Running's going to be a bust for the rest of this week, due to injury (again!), so I'm going to have to get creative with my exercise for the rest of this week so I don't just sit on my ass. I'm doing one challenge that ends in 2 weeks time, with a mini-goal of getting to 13st 13lbs (my halfway point to goal), so let's just see if I can't make it anyway, never mind what gain I have tomorrow.

And if you want the full story on what went down in Norway come have a look over here ...

Oh - and one final thing ... I realised today, as I was stumbling along to the bus station to leave Oslo, with my massive pack on my back and grumbling how heavy it was - that it was actually lighter than the amount of weight I've lost so far. Now that REALLY puts things in perspective. This is my pack, which is a 65litre pack and was weighing at about 12kgs. I've lost nearly 15kgs to date.

Confession time

"Uh-oh " I hear you say. What did she do?

I'm a little embarrassed to say that I rather slipped up last night. Normally, if I over eat it's a conscious decision to do so, usually with a recovery plan already in place, or else it's completely out of my control (not so often) in that there's literally nothing else available. I can't claim any of that for last night though, and can only admit to a plain and simple lack of self-control and will power.

Somewhere in the middle of all the packing, I got persuaded to go along to girl's night at Becs' for a little while. I'd already eaten my healthy food for the day, and stayed just within my points, but the temptation of the goodies out on the coffee table proved too much, and I caved. I think I was aware at the time of what I was doing, but just adopted a "sod it, I'm virtually on holiday now" mentality. There were 2 tubs of those gorgeous little chocolatey nibbles from Marks & Spencer, nachos, and fresh raspberries. It started innocently enough with me thinking I'd just have one each of the M & S nibbles - a miniature rocky road and a miniature chocolate roll. Then I grabbed a few raspberries. That would have been fine, but for some reason I didn't stop there, and also had some nachos, and more of the nibbles. I'm not entirely sure how many of those little bits of chocolately goodness I had in the end - I suspect about 3 of the rocky roads and 4 of the chocolate rolls - if I assume that they're probably about 2 points each, and then add some points for the nachos, I would conservatively estimate that I consumed about 20 points at Becs' house for no apparent reason. I wasn't hungry and I wasn't particularly craving salt or chocolate.

This whole episode annoys the hell out of me. I knew exactly what I was doing and just shoved the thoughts aside. I'm not by nature a binger, or at least I never thought I was, but if my estimate of points is right, I just consumed nearly an entire days worth of extra calories and fat in the space of a couple of hours, and I wasn't even hungry. The most annoying thing is that if you actually put what I ate on one plate, it would easily fit and wouldn't even look like that much - how many people all over the world are doing this every day?? Not realising that those tiny little nibbles are so bloody deadly. It's an eye-watering insight into why we put weight on without even noticing where we went wrong.

This week is going to be hard enough with the trip away, without me making stupid mistakes like that. I went for a run last night which will be the last bit of proper intense exercise I do until I get back. I added an extra loop into my usual running route last night, which probably equates to just under an extra half a mile. Surprisingly, the whole run actually only took me about 5 mins longer than usual. My pace at the start felt a lot quicker than usual, but as a consequence of that I did need to take a couple of walking breaks to catch my breath (I think it was 3 in the end). Still, I'm pleased with my run, and it certainly knackered me out.

This will be my last blog until I get back from Norway, by which time I will have (belatedly) weighed in again. I fully expect to gain when I face the scales next Weds, since I'm still riding at a 2lb gain this week since weigh in on Monday; my challenge really is just to minimise that gain.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend, and I shall update when I return!

******

Edit - just checked the milage of the run yesterday on the Google Map Pedometer. This is seriously one of the best little tools I have found for checking out where and how far you've walked / biked on trips out! My normal run is 1.60 miles / 2.59 km. The additional section I did last night makes it 2.09 miles / 3.37 km, so it is indeed almost exactly half a mile extra. That's not too bad to do that in 25 mins.

Looking at things in different ways

The ever-wise Jack Sh*t commented on my previous posting, that if I was going to look at things another way round then I could also say I've lost 528 oz to date. Which ever way you look at it, it still looks like this:

Yep - that fish weighs 33 lbs, or 528 ozs if you prefer. Don't think I'd want that strapped to my back all day! (Aside from the fact that it would start to smell pretty awful and would make my clothes all slimey lol).

(please note - the use of a fish as a visual reference is not an original idea, and I must credit it to Bryher - another good idea for her!).

So if you want me to be more original, 33 lbs also looks a lot like this:

Yep - a bale of hay. I remember how heavy these suckers were when I was hefting them around the stable yard as a kid. It also weighs approximately the same as the frame of a mountain bike.

Whooop!

Sorry - I know this is really geeky, but I was reading Dietgirl, and she always posts her weight in kilos, and out of curiosity I wondered what my weight in kilos is now - 89.4kg. Under 90kgs! That just sounds so much better being in the 80's than the 90's lol. Now I've just got make the move to get under 14 stone :o)

Not enough time

I'm actually getting pre-emptive exercise withdrawal anxiety I think, about the fact that over the next 5 days my entire schedule is going to go out the window. How incredibly sad is that? Moreover, I briefly considered whether it would be worth me putting in some running clothes so I could do something while I'm away if I want to. And I'm feeling guilty that I haven't found the time to run yet this week, although I am desperate to try and make it to my spin class this evening.

I'm getting slightly annoyed with the scales this week - after 2 positively saintly days in which I have eaten just under my points and drunk plenty of water, they've quite determinedly gone up instead of down. Grrrrrr. Oh well, not a lot I can do about that other than just grit my teeth and keep doing what I do.

The Great Pack commences tonight for the trip - I have officially run out of time as I leave tomorrow morning. Whoops, although not entirely surprising because that is how it always is with me!

Sunshine moments

All this good weather is making me noticeably cranky about having to stay in the office, when outside is looking so damned inviting. What I'd love to be doing right now is getting my ass out the door to run, to bike, to windsurf or just to walk, basically anything other than sitting in an office doing nothing. I find that the more exercise and activity I do, the more I want to doing. Just to be moving around, pushing myself a bit, enjoying the adrenaline and the rush of the fast stuff, or simply the feeling of my muscles getting a little stretch.

Mind you - I don't feel like that all the time ;o) Last night I was decidedly grumpy about having to go to Body Pump - probably because it was inside a studio and I didn't much feel like being cooped up indoors, even with air-conditioning. I didn't have much excuse for not going though since I already had to go to the gym for my final physio session immediately beforehand, so I did go along, but that didn't mean I had to be happy about it. I'm glad I did go though, as it's the only weights workout I do during the week, so it's not as easy for me to catch up on it later in the week, like it is for cardio.

I was meant to be doing work that I'd bought home from the office last night too, but by the time I'd go back from physio and then Pump, and then had cooked and eaten something, there wasn't exactly a lot of time left. Still, I don't feel too guilty about that.

I'd like to be spending some more time out on my bike whilst the weather's so fantastic, but I've still got to fix it after it's last outing, so unfortunately that's off the cards at the moment. Hopefully, I'll get a chance once I'm back from Norway, and then I can do some more Friday afternoon singletrack / trail sessions when every other poor sod is still cooped up in work :o)

Food-wise I'm going ok at the moment, since I'm quite happy eating a wrap or jacket potato and salad for dinner in the hot weather. I'm just dreading the mad scramble over the next couple of days to get ready for our trip. All social stuff has been cancelled for the next couple of nights, so I can sequester myself away in the flat and try and sort through the bombsite that is my bedroom in search of the bits I want to pack.

On a side note - my positivity has gone through the roof recently. Not only do I feel like I can achieve all my weight loss goals at the moment, but really that the worst of the battle is done. In a strange tipping from glass half empty ("oh my god - I've still got so much more to lose") to glass half full; approaching the half-way point in my journey has had the weird psychological effect of making me feel like I've done all the slogging up the hill in the first half, and now it's a downward coast to goal. I don't know if this is just because I will very shortly be in the situation of having less to lose, than I've already lost, or if it's because I never really thought I'd even get to this point and now I'm so close to that magic halfway point, and I'm actually enjoying the benefits of my losses already, as well as not finding unfeasibly hard to stay on track. Whatever it is, I like it.

And just for the sake of listing them, so that I can look back when I'm not feeling so good, here are some of the benefits I've reaped so far:

• I can run for 20 mins continuously. I can complete a 5k distance in about 45 mins or thereabouts, and most of that is running.
• I can do a full plank, not a cheat-y kneeling one. I haven't tried full press-ups yet - I'll let you know the next time they turn up in Body Pump!
• I've dropped somewhere between a size to a size and a half in my clothes. This means that new shops and brands are opening up to me to choose from.
• I can see changes in the mirror that I like.
• Most photos don't automatically make me cringe now. Even when they're unflattering, I'm slowly coming to terms with myself.
• My confidence is soaring on the up. As a result I feel more able to put myself out there and risk things even if they might result in me looking stupid. And yes that does include potential rejection from guys - I haven't made a move and put myself out there yet, but I'm getting to the stage where I'm now feeling that I might be able to next time someone takes my eye. Lol (I'll be sure to relate that disaster to you when it happens!!)
• I actually can't wait for Egypt to roll round, because I'm now feeling confident that by then I'll have made plenty of progress and can't wait just to get out there on the beach and on waves and hammer it.
• I'm in love with my legs again - skirts are back on the agenda.
• My back is really smoothing out - somewhere along that path, somewhere in the future, lies backless tops - something that was on my goals for this year a couple of posts ago.
• I find my positivity affecting other parts of my life. My success and progress with this has made me feel like I can change other aspects of my life that I'm not happy with. I'm making a renewed attempt at sorting out my money woes (something I tend to talk about on my other blog rather than here), and I'm really considering what I want to do with my career; I'm even considering the frightening possibility that it might be a complete change of career path.
• I feel excited about the possibilities of life again - rather than mourn the things I've missed out on so far, I just want to put things right.

I shall stop there for the moment, because I need to get back to my work to meet my deadline for today, but if you haven't already got the general gist .... I feel pretty good at the moment.

Weigh in, measurements and the weekend dissection

Weigh in first - I lost 2lbs. Yay!!! Still a shade above 14 stone, but I'm still pootling along in the right direction.

Measurements - I seem to take these at completely haphazard intervals. This time it was prompted by the start of the Summer Challenge that Ang is running over at Get Fit After 40, and if I'm going to do the challenge I should do it properly with the measurements as well as the scales. So since I had the tape-measure out anyway, I thought I'd update them on here (numbers in brackets are the previous measurement):

Hips: 44" (46")

Lower Waist (at belly button): 43" (44")

Upper Waist (at narrowest point): 36.5" (39")

Chest: 44.5" (44" - don't know if this because I had a different bra on this time!)

Upper Arm: 12.5" (12.75")

Thigh: 26.5" (26.5")

There are some losses in there since last time which is great, but I think the nicest thing about those, is that for the first time, my hips are smaller than my bust - wooohoooo!!

On the other hand my waist measurements need some work as all the running and biking is taking the weight off my hips and not my waist - I'm going to start looking like an egg on legs at this rate!! lol

And so, finally, down to the weekend. I have a confession to make - I got to Saturday, and honestly I didn't think too hard about points. Hmmm ... I know .... not the best idea I've ever had. It could have been a lot worse, as including the over-run I had on Monday at the picnic I finished the week at 19 points over, but I did indeed drop the ball. Actually, I take that back, because I've just thought of something else I didn't point up - DAMN!

After my lovely lunch on Friday with my Dad, I was up super-early (for me) on Saturday to tootle off to London. I had breakfast before I went, but I think that was the last thoughtful piece of eating I did until Sunday morning. I met one of my school-friends for lunch in Clapham, where we sat in the sun sipping vodka tonics and munching on a panini for long enough that my shoulders were decidedly pink. Strolling to and fro across Clapham common was about the most exercise I did, although I loved how good I felt about myself in my lovely knee-length denim shorts, gladiator sandals, loose-ish vest top, trilby hat and sunnies (and a healthy smattering of chunky jewellery!), even next to Koks whose a size 8 and 5 foot 3 if she's even that!

Back across the common to the boys flat after lunch, grab some more long, iced vodkas and I settled in to watch the rugby with them and pretty much stayed in that position on the sofa all evening right through the party! I never even got changed into the nicer clothes I'd bought along for the evening or put any decent make-up on, which is rather unfortunate since I later found myself happily chattering away (and drunkenly talking complete bollocks) to a rather lovely guy. lol - always the way.

Yesterday was better - straight back on the points, and even managed to wangle in a pub dinner with dessert in the evening without completely stitching myself up.

On my way back from London, I detoured to Bristol to swing by the Snow and Rock store there. Turned out to be quite an ego boost! I wanted a new waterproof for Norway, and some walking trousers. I didn't find the walking trousers, but when I tried on the size 16 North Face jacket that I wanted, it turned out to be massive, so I got a size 14 instead! I know it's just because it's cut really big (and indeed the reason I didn't get trousers was that they were all cut really small), but it was still lovely buying something with a 14 on the label. I also got slightly distracted by the cycle shop there, and thought I'd have a peek at the cycle shorts as I've been wanting a pair of baggy mountain bike ones for ages now. I thought it would be quite a traumatic business buying them, but the first pair I tried on were a perfect fit in the 16. In fact they're cut so loose, and the fabric is so stretchy that if they'd had a 14 in stock I'd have probably tried and got them instead so they'll last longer, but it wasn't to be. Still - I have my lovely new shorts, and I can't wait to try them out. Think I'll probably be living in them over the summer as they also double up as decent looking general outdoors shorts and I should make the most of them while they fit!

Also bought a new bike helmet to replace my slightly battered one, and a new drinks bottle for running, as well as random miscellaneous spare parts for the bike that I needed. An expensive but altogether satisfying shopping trip.

Since I'm off on my trip on Thursday and the first half of the week is going to be pandemonium whilst I try and pack and organise last minute stuff for the trip and navigate my way through month end at work, I'm just going to try and eat sensibly each day until I go and get in the exercise where I can. I've also got to go for my final physio appointment tonight (ouch - going to be expensive!). Once I'm away, I'm going to be away from the internet, so I'm just going to have to wing it. I'm not going to stress it too much - just going to try and make sensible choices and not go nuts because it's holiday, and hopefully there'll be loads of walking and cycling and possibly some swimming to offset that.