Life priorities and being grateful

I got my priorities back the right way round last night ... which is to say that I got to 5.15pm, said fuck work, and legged it out the office door before anyone could call me back in. Into the car at 5.20pm. It takes 40ish mins to drive home, Body Combat starts at 6.15 - can I make it? - you bet your pink panties I can!

Traffic's bad, so 45 mins to get home - park on the drive at 6.05pm, leg it up to the flat; 4 min turnaround to get changed into workout gear, fill my water bottle, grab a cereal bar and GO!!!! Half walk, half run down the road whilst gulping down the cereal bar, mow down some small children on my way through the security gates at the gym, belt up the stairs, sling stuff in a locker and skid to a halt in my usual spot in the studio. 1 min to spare before class starts! WHOOOP!

It was a good sweaty class, which I was in need of, although I kept getting slightly distracted by the greeness of my new work out top in the mirrors. It's really, so very green. It also shows up all the little (or *ahem* big) wobbly bits, that really need working on, which flattering black used to just hide. Still, I will not be ashamed of them. I might be the biggest person in that class, but I'm not the least fit, and I put in far more effort than some, so why should I be ashamed? Just look on it as extra motivation to keep your abs strong and everything sucked in while you're working out!! :o)

Back home, just getting undressed for the shower when the doorbell goes. It's Jon, and I nearly just flashed him, because I almost forgot to pull my top back on before going to get the door (think that would have surprised him a bit!). Would I like dinner next door - spaghetti bolognaise? Why thank you very much! (Yep, I was good and considered my points situation for the day before answering, like a good little Weight Watcher).

We wandered up to the pub for a late drink at 10pm after dinner (half an hour walk there and back) and met up with some friends, so all in all a nice chilled out evening. I'm still off the alcohol, so that makes the pub easy, but I might have had a minor misdemeanor whilst sitting on the sofa watching telly when we got back. I was honestly only going to have 1 biscuit. I only wanted 1 biscuit. So explain to me why I had 3???? Note to self - next time, don't ask someone to pass the biscuit box, unless you're sure you're stopping at 1. Idiot!

I had a little flounce around trying on a few different things, when I was getting dressed after my shower earlier in the evening - mostly short skirts and shorts for next week on holiday. I have to say, I think the combination of running and Body Combat has had a really good effect on my arms and legs over the last couple of weeks - I definitely feel like they look sleeker now. So that means I'll feel ok wearing short stuff next week in Croatia - yay!!

Scarily, it will also mark the re-introduction of the dare-to-bare nightmare that is always beachwear. I'm going to be brave. I'm a fairly trim UK 16 now (so that's what a 14 Stateside and Canada?) .... I'm taking the bikini. God help me (and possibly the other people on the beach who might be struck blind lol), but I'm easing myself into it - yes, the bikini's going, but I'm also taking a loose tunic cover-up, if I want to cover up my top half, and also small board shorts (as in the little bastards are ultra-short - something I'd never have contemplated before), if I want to cover the bottom half.

I'm taking bets now, on what the holiday damage will be this time round. What do you all reckon??

We're away for 10 days, and we're camping. In previous years this has usually meant fruit and bread and jam for breakfast, or occasionally eggs (we have no fridge while we're away, so we can't keep anything that needs to be kept cool). Usually something sandwich-y for lunch, more fruit, and possibly some chocolate, although not if it's too hot. Dinner is either eating out, or cooked on the camp-stove. Given that apparently Croatia has a lot of Italian-influenced cuisine and pasta is easy on a camp-stove, I'd reckon on lots of pasta being consumed. There's quite often wine round the camp "fire" in the evening (not an actual fire, but you get the gist of sitting round in camp and chatting). Snacks are usually cereal bars and fruit and occasional ice-creams. Past years have involved a lot of driving, a lot of walking, some lying round on the beach and pratting around in the sea, and some random miscellaneous activities such as canyoning or white-water rafting.

So what do we reckon? Weight on? Stay the same? Or even a loss?? Hmmmm - I can't work it out.

In the same vein as yesterday's postive thinking theme, and because I was reading someone's blog earlier and they were talking about perspective and being grateful for what you've got - here's my deep and meaningful thought for the day:

I'm grateful I've still got my dad, and that he's starting to emotionally heal after the loss of my mum two years ago.

And, because I'm shallow, I'm grateful I can wear white jeans and a close-fitting stripey jumper and feel good, because I know I look good.

So there.

Over and out.

Zero mud, but much stew

Picture this: I'm all excited (if a little nervous) about going along to the first group run last night. I'm in work at 10 to 8 in the morning, so I can leave early at 20 past 4, go sort my food shopping on the way home, get changed and head out to the rendezvous for 7pm.

Now picture this: It's half past 6 in the evening and I still sat in the bloody office, tearing my hair out at the work I'm trying to do, and feeling like a miserable, grumpy old git because I now know it's too late for me to make it to running.

So there you go - de nada on the running front last night, and in fact, absolutely zero exercise at all last night. Not happy. Not happy at all.

I did at least just about manage to get the food shopping sorted before the supermarket closed, which was good, and I actually ran into the boys from next door whilst I was there. Cue lots of silly waving as we kept passing each other going in opposite directions, racing trolleys down the aisles and them trying to annoy me by hovering, looking over my shoulder, commenting on my shopping whilst I'm packing.

After the yummy-ness of yesterday's sushi lunch, I got a bit experimental in the kitchen last night and attempted a lamb casserole / stew. Oh. My. God. It was (is) soooooooo good. Diced lamb leg, sweet potatoes, parsnips, carrots, mushrooms, garlic, fresh rosemary - I completely winged it, but it worked so well, and I'm sitting it eating for lunch too, as we speak. And only 5 points - bonus!!! Definitely doing that one again!

Everything's back to normal tonight. Body combat class, to earn some points and a much-needed vent of aggression, and I might go out for a bike ride or walk on the hills tomorrow afternoon after work. I feel I need some more fresh air this week!

The scales are still pinging around all over the place, so I have no real idea how this week's going at the mo. I am finding though that I've developed a complete disconnect between what size I think I am, and the clothes I wear. Let me explain. I know that I have lost weight. I can see that my body shape has changed. I know that label-wise I wear smaller clothes. But when I look at my clothes, I think good god - how does my ass actually fit in that??? My clothes look so small, and I can't associate them with me, if that makes sense.

Take my jeans for example - size 16 flares that I bought from Next, and probably the smallest of the trousers I currently own. They are hanging on the door drying, and when I look at them the waist looks ... well, just plain small. So in my head, I think that if I can get them on, they must at least fit with a massive muffin-top rolling out of the waist band. But no - when I put them on, they fit just fine. I think my brain's taking a while to catch up with me.

My new thing I'm trying to do this week? Bin the negative thinking. Kick it to the curb. I'm an absolute bugger for mentally talking myself down, and whether or not positive thinking really, really has an affect on our lives, negative thinking is certainly not going to make me feel any better. So, whatever I'm negative thinking about - I'm going to stop it. Not try and stop it, but actually stop it. I want to spend less time wallowing in my own self-pity, when things don't go my way.

The Phantom Fat

KK @ Running Through Life posted something this morning that really resonates with me. Particularly after Tuesday's musings on my seemingly bi-polar self-image and the realisation that perfection is not, after all, only a few lb's away.

It really helps me to be able to put a name to what I've been feeling - Phantom Fat, because I'm the sort of person that hates uncertainty, and likes to deal in cold, hard fact. Information and knowledge are my weapons of choice, and naming my enemy means I can go learn about him and do something constructive.

It's also really good to know that I'm not alone in these feelings. I knew that straight away from the comments I received, but reading KK's follow up post, containing her own thoughts and feelings on the article, bought that home. It was further illustrated when I wandered off to Google "phantom fat" and ended up on an eating disorders blog and saw that this is something that affects people of all weights, shapes and sizes. In fact, as far as I can make out, it's body dysmorphia by another name - that beasts that drives so many people to anorexia and bulimia and other obsessive compulsive problems.

But the good thing is, that knowing what we face and understanding it is half the battle to triumphing over it. There are loads of exercises and routines you can use to help reset your perception of yourself to your current body size - keeping your fat pants so you can prove to yourself how far you've come, comparing before and after photos - both things that force your mind to accept the truth of change. And for those who struggle even after that - I now know that there is counselling and help available, should I ever need it. I don't want to be like one of the ladies in the article - not able to fully appreciate what I've managed to achieve.

So, with just over 30lbs left to get to goal, I reckon I've got time to adjust. As I sit here this morning, munching on my fresh pineapple, I know that the biggest challenge for me personally will be to have realistic expectations of what I can achieve through weight loss and exercise, so that I can finally reach a point where I'm happy, and know when to stop at a sustainable and healthy weight.

What's your biggest challenge going to be?