I'm on FIRE!

Good news everybody - I'm still walking the path of good eating!! Hurrah, I hear you shout!

Put it this way - the more weight I can lose before my run, the easier it will be!

In case you missed it yesterday, I've entered myself for my first ever race in the second of the Scott Aztec Trail Series runs in the Forest of Dean on 10 Jan. I'm running the short course, which is 5.4km, and the race is all over trails in the woods, no roads. I'm slightly scared that this is an actual race, rather than a charity fun run, and they have a whole points scheme for places (mostly for people running the whole series of races), and the timings are done via fancy-Dan ankle chips that each runner wears, but it does say it's for everyone from complete novices to elite, so what the heck - in the words that I heard all windsurfing holiday - "go big or go home".

After yesterday's realisation that I've back-tracked to eating crappy food which isn't keeping me satisfied, I've been keeping an eye on what I've been eating, as well as how much. I was reading an article in Zest magazine about the energy density of foods (which is basically what the Weight Watchers filling foods principle is based on), and it just reminded me what I already knew - that foods with lots of water in are much lower in points, but sure keep you filled up for longer. Plus they tend to be much less full of artificial rubbish. So it's back to basics again! Poached eggs for breakfast, soup and a yoghurt for lunch, stir-frys and pasta for dinners, and I feel a lot better for it already.

I need to get my head into a healthier place in the long-run as I don't want to struggle when I hit maintenance, and when I can't be close to a computer to monitor my calories all day. I also want to fuel my body for maximum efficiency - I've got lots of stuff I want to do next year, which will need my fitness to be higher than it is now (as much as now is a vast improvement on a year ago).

You want a sneak peak of stuff I want to do next year?

1. Obviously skiing in Jan - I'm looking forward to this as I'll be lighter and fitter than I've ever been when I've hit the slopes before.
2. My 5km first race, and I'd like to work up to a 10km or so during the year.
3. Kite-surfing weekend - I'd love to give this a go, as we see the kite-surfers when we go to Egypt and it does look like fun, and Jo's up for heading somewhere like Cornwall and giving it a bash.
4. Hit the lake and make some proper improvements to my windsurfing. This went a bit under the radar this year, with hitting the gym and a 1000 holidays, plus back problems, but I want and need to get it moving again this year.
5. Career Break.

Yep - point 5 is the big change that I've been talking about. It's been a long time coming, but I'm at a point where I'm ready to take the bull by the horns and do stuff. I'm booting around a couple of ideas at the moment, so I can't really say exactly what I'm going to do yet, but at some point from the summer onwards next year I'm planning on jumping on a jet plane and disappearing for a bit to go and do something completely different. Without going in to too many details at the moment, general fitness and point 4 above potentially come into my plans.

I've been dreaming my dreams for ages now of a better lifestyle, but I totally lacked the confidence and self-belief to get up and make the moves I needed to. Now it's a different story, and whilst the uncertainty and enormity still scares me silly, I'm ready to face it head on and get stuck in.

Feeling bleck!

Yep - you heard me .... I'm just not feeling that great today. I suspect, I'm coming down with a cold, but it's so long since I last had one, that it's hard to remember how it starts!

I was hungry all day yesterday, and started to develop a tickly throat. By this morning that had moved from tickly to sore. I'm a bit sniffly, my head aches intermittently (although not badly), and I just generally feel lethargic today. My appetite's gone down again, probably partly due to the fact that eating or drinking is just uncomfortable now on my raw throat. Still, not a lot I can do - either it will go away again, or it'll get worse - and deal with that if and when it happens.

I went to spin last night, and prob pushed myself harder than was wise, as I came off feeling rather achey. Note to self - never take the piss out the instructor for not having enough resistance on his bike, as he will make you swap bikes with him to prove a point. And then you have to finish the rest of the track without sitting down, as he's about 6ft and I couldn't sit on the saddle and reach the peddles on his bike. D'oh!! Although I still maintain that he was totally slacking on the resistance!

Frustratingly, I had my heart-rate monitor on, but it kept turning itself off during the class, whenever my wrists were bent back at an acute angle (during things like press-ups), so when I got the summary at the end, it was only reading an average heart-rate of 135 and 296 cals for the session, which is way out. Think I'm going to have to start wearing the wrist unit with the face on the inside of my wrist to avoid accidentally switching it off. Does anyone else have this problem??

I had physio straight after spin (and a much-needed shower) - same routine as last week - some manipulation, sports massage and ultra-sound. We talked through movements I'm still struggling with (mostly anything requiring any back extension or outward hip rotation on the left) and what I could do to combat that. The verdict now is that she expects me to be more or less back to normal in another week's time, so I've just got to ring her next Monday and let her know if I'm still struggling.

Due to yesterday's revved up appetite, I ate all my activity points for the day, but managed to stop there, so that's not too bad. I'd love to see a good 2lb loss this week, to take me past my 50lbs lost, and put me on track for my target of half a stone off for Egypt in 5 weeks. It's funny because I keep finding myself mentally counting down to goal at the moment ... you know the sort of thing: once I've lost this next stone, there's only 7 more lbs to go. It's tantalisingly close, but I'm trying hard not to get impatient, as I suspect this last bit might be a bit of a slow slog. I also suspect that I might move the goal posts when I get there, and start a kind of Phase 2. I've suspected this for a while.

When I was at 16 and a half stone, the concept of getting to 11 and a half seemed impossible - I wasn't sure there was enough on me to lose. Now I'm so much closer, I can see that I've still got tons I can lose. I'm going to be incredibly proud to get to that first goal, and I definitely don't want to move the goal posts before I get there, as I think I need to see how I feel at that point. I need to find a balance between reaching a point where I'm happy and proud of what I've done, and avoiding getting caught up in my never-ending perfectionist expectations. It's in my nature to never stop and appreciate one achivement before I start finding things wrong with it, and decide there's something better I want. I live in a world where there's always something bigger, and better and shinier on the horizon to aim for, and sometimes that leaves you never satisfied and finding it hard to compromise.

Whoooo - this is getting deep!!

Back to normal stuff - I've got an interval training session at the gym tonight (eeeeeeek!), and a pile of laundry and washing up (not the same pile though, that would just be weird) that I need to sort, so I guess that will keep me busy!

Random musings

The de-bloat continues. It was absolutely crap weather last night, leaving me with a choice of getting completely drenched running outside, heading to the gym or copping out altogether. Gym it was then. Just a quick 45 min session - 15 min X-trainer, 15 min run on the treadmill, 10 min row (2k distance) and 5 min cool down on the stationary bike.

My eating was pretty on par yesterday, so I've pulled back some of my cock-up from Monday night. Honestly, my eating wasn't quite as good today, but not altogether bad, and with the judicious application of a truly ferocious Body Combat class this evening, I've banked another little bit against the points overspend.

In fact it turns out that I had a lot of pent-up aggression to vent in tonight's class, and it felt goooooooood. I've had a crappy, stressful day at work, but it went hand-in-hand with a bit of self-discovery, so not an entirely wasted day. We had a working lunch buffet today, because my boss is heading off on maternity leave tomorrow (and yes, I was good - one plate from the buffet, including a healthy sandwich, and then leave it alone), and since there were loads of goodies left, the platters got bought through to the office during the afternoon.

With all the stressiness going on, I found myself pinching another cocktail sausage from the platter as I wandered past without really thinking about it. Then I found myself sitting at my desk thinking well, if I'm just going past anyway on the way to get a drink, what do I fancy? Then I found myself wondering why I wanted food when I wasn't hungry and had been pretty well-behaved at lunch - why cock it up now? I've realised that I am in fact a stress-eater. The anticipation of food felt like it would numb the stress - which of course it wouldn't, well not permanently, it would just distract me temporarily with feelings of instant gratification (shortly to be followed by feelings of remorse I should imagine).

The good thing with making a realisation like that is that every subsequent time you walk past the platter, you're more determined not to give in. I just had a lot of shitty stressiness to get rid of at Combat instead, but I reckon that just means I burned a few extra calories off.

I've also spent that last couple of days with some words floating round my head in a loop:

FASTER FITTER LIGHTER STRONGER

They just seem to totally sum up where I want to be at the end of this. I find as I go along this journey, that some of my focus seems to more and more end up on the physical abilities side of things. This is ever clearer to me when I do things like mountain-biking with the boys, or think about the snow-boarding I'll do come the winter, and I want to be able to keep up and push myself like they do, and to be more agile and sure of my movements. I find the more little break-throughs I make with my fitness, the more I want to make.

I'm especially fascinated by blogs and videos of extreme sports on the internet. I look at the bike stunts and the wind-surfing tricks and I want to be able to do that kind of thing should I choose to. Last night I stumbled across Summer Gravity Camp, and I want to go and do it more than you could believe. It's an intense week of downhill mountain-biking that takes place at Whistler in Canada every year - coaching provided by some of the best bikers in the world for people of all standards from novice to expert - all you need is the biking bug and the balls to get out there and try it. Most of the weeks are aimed at kids and young people, but the last week of every season is an adults-only camp, and the more I read about it, the more I wanted to go - getting to goal would be a major step along the way to realising little dreams like that.

And one final thing I shall leave you with - a little trite perhaps but it works for me. While I was thinking about the whole stress-eating thing in the car on the way home, it struck me that that little saying about work, applies just as much to eating - so here's my thought for the day:

Eat to live, NOT live to eat.

Mope over - time to move on

Right, enough of the moping already. I can't stand me moping, it's just boring.

I've been thinking about why the scales might not have budged and it could be a couple of reasons, but I think the principle one might be to do with some of my food choices over the weekend. Where I've eaten out and had takeaway, the food was most likely pretty damn high in sodium and MSG - that stuff makes me sooo thirsty afterwards, and I drank litres of liquid yesterday which I'd put down to the heat and the dehydrating effect of my run in the morning. I also had pasta for dinner last night, and I've noticed, since I eat far less of it these days, that I don't cope as well with it as other carbs. So overall, whilst I might have stayed in my points, I guess some of food choices weren't the wisest ... or at least they're having a bit of a hangover effect on me.

I've also failed miserably so far to add any new goals to my sidebar, which leaves me feeling a bit aimless. I spent a bit of time this morning adding a raft of new goals to my own personal tracker spreadsheet. I've broken my remaining loss down into lots of little markers to achieve - most of them not more than a few lbs apart, so hopefully there will be something I can tick off every couple of weeks. I break them down either by half stone losses to achieve - i.e. 2 1/2 stone, 4 stone, etc, or as actual weight targets. Since I'm going from a round 230lb (literally very round lol) to 160lb (my current goal), I've added goals to get to 190lbs, and every 5lb below that. Hopefully, this will help me focus a bit more.

So my next 3 goals are:

• Get to 190lbs - 3lb loss
• Get to 3 stones off - 5lb loss
• Get to BMI of 30 (no longer obese) - 8lb loss (which will also be my 185lb marker).

Seeing smaller goals to aim for makes things a bit more manageable for me. I've got 11 or those little steps to take me to goal, but I'm just going to post the first 3 up for the moment.

I'm also going to shake up my exercise schedule as I want to start doing Swiss Ball Pilates on a Wednesday, which means moving some of my other classes around - god knows what will end up going where - I'll just have to see what I'm able to book into. Going to the pilates class on Wednesday will mean trying to get another spinning session, which is easier said than done at my gym! On the other hand, doing pilates will make my physio happy.

Sunshine moments

All this good weather is making me noticeably cranky about having to stay in the office, when outside is looking so damned inviting. What I'd love to be doing right now is getting my ass out the door to run, to bike, to windsurf or just to walk, basically anything other than sitting in an office doing nothing. I find that the more exercise and activity I do, the more I want to doing. Just to be moving around, pushing myself a bit, enjoying the adrenaline and the rush of the fast stuff, or simply the feeling of my muscles getting a little stretch.

Mind you - I don't feel like that all the time ;o) Last night I was decidedly grumpy about having to go to Body Pump - probably because it was inside a studio and I didn't much feel like being cooped up indoors, even with air-conditioning. I didn't have much excuse for not going though since I already had to go to the gym for my final physio session immediately beforehand, so I did go along, but that didn't mean I had to be happy about it. I'm glad I did go though, as it's the only weights workout I do during the week, so it's not as easy for me to catch up on it later in the week, like it is for cardio.

I was meant to be doing work that I'd bought home from the office last night too, but by the time I'd go back from physio and then Pump, and then had cooked and eaten something, there wasn't exactly a lot of time left. Still, I don't feel too guilty about that.

I'd like to be spending some more time out on my bike whilst the weather's so fantastic, but I've still got to fix it after it's last outing, so unfortunately that's off the cards at the moment. Hopefully, I'll get a chance once I'm back from Norway, and then I can do some more Friday afternoon singletrack / trail sessions when every other poor sod is still cooped up in work :o)

Food-wise I'm going ok at the moment, since I'm quite happy eating a wrap or jacket potato and salad for dinner in the hot weather. I'm just dreading the mad scramble over the next couple of days to get ready for our trip. All social stuff has been cancelled for the next couple of nights, so I can sequester myself away in the flat and try and sort through the bombsite that is my bedroom in search of the bits I want to pack.

On a side note - my positivity has gone through the roof recently. Not only do I feel like I can achieve all my weight loss goals at the moment, but really that the worst of the battle is done. In a strange tipping from glass half empty ("oh my god - I've still got so much more to lose") to glass half full; approaching the half-way point in my journey has had the weird psychological effect of making me feel like I've done all the slogging up the hill in the first half, and now it's a downward coast to goal. I don't know if this is just because I will very shortly be in the situation of having less to lose, than I've already lost, or if it's because I never really thought I'd even get to this point and now I'm so close to that magic halfway point, and I'm actually enjoying the benefits of my losses already, as well as not finding unfeasibly hard to stay on track. Whatever it is, I like it.

And just for the sake of listing them, so that I can look back when I'm not feeling so good, here are some of the benefits I've reaped so far:

• I can run for 20 mins continuously. I can complete a 5k distance in about 45 mins or thereabouts, and most of that is running.
• I can do a full plank, not a cheat-y kneeling one. I haven't tried full press-ups yet - I'll let you know the next time they turn up in Body Pump!
• I've dropped somewhere between a size to a size and a half in my clothes. This means that new shops and brands are opening up to me to choose from.
• I can see changes in the mirror that I like.
• Most photos don't automatically make me cringe now. Even when they're unflattering, I'm slowly coming to terms with myself.
• My confidence is soaring on the up. As a result I feel more able to put myself out there and risk things even if they might result in me looking stupid. And yes that does include potential rejection from guys - I haven't made a move and put myself out there yet, but I'm getting to the stage where I'm now feeling that I might be able to next time someone takes my eye. Lol (I'll be sure to relate that disaster to you when it happens!!)
• I actually can't wait for Egypt to roll round, because I'm now feeling confident that by then I'll have made plenty of progress and can't wait just to get out there on the beach and on waves and hammer it.
• I'm in love with my legs again - skirts are back on the agenda.
• My back is really smoothing out - somewhere along that path, somewhere in the future, lies backless tops - something that was on my goals for this year a couple of posts ago.
• I find my positivity affecting other parts of my life. My success and progress with this has made me feel like I can change other aspects of my life that I'm not happy with. I'm making a renewed attempt at sorting out my money woes (something I tend to talk about on my other blog rather than here), and I'm really considering what I want to do with my career; I'm even considering the frightening possibility that it might be a complete change of career path.
• I feel excited about the possibilities of life again - rather than mourn the things I've missed out on so far, I just want to put things right.

I shall stop there for the moment, because I need to get back to my work to meet my deadline for today, but if you haven't already got the general gist .... I feel pretty good at the moment.

Things I would like to do this year ...

I've been thinking recently of all the things I want to do. The odd thing strikes me here or there, and I think "hell yeah - I definitely want to try that!". So, here for prosperity, is a list of the things I would like to achieve this year. Some might be done sooner than others, some might not be done til next year, the year after, or may always be a pipe-dream, but here goes:

• Run for 30-40 mins consistently without dying. Preferably enter and complete a 5k, and possibly a 10k run, and do something for charity while I'm at it.
• Complete a black run on my mountain-bike without committing inadvertant suicide.
• Wear a pair of size 14 trousers.
• Learn to get up on my heel-edge on my snowboard even when the piste's flat, and learn to ride / turn goofy (back leg first).
• Also get down a red run on a snowboard in one piece.
• Have another go at climbing, and try not to panic this time.
• Walk up a mountain (without dying and constantly whingeing, moaning, being the tale-end Sally, feeling sorry for myself).
• Wear a backless top and feel good about myself.
• Generally, feel good about myself.
• Have a really girly photo-shoot done when I reach my current goal weight of 11st 6lb.
• Get the hang of beach-starting on my windsurfer.
• Learn to feel comfortable planing in the harness on my windsurfer, because I'm not going to be constantly worrying that my excessive weight is just going to pull the whole thing over.
• Stop feeling so bloody self-conscious about trying things just in case I get them wrong and somebody laughs at the fat girl.
• Actually flirt with people I find attractive, because I'm not going to just shy away from possible rejection.
• Get in front of the camera more often, rather than ducking out because I'm not feeling as extrovert as everyone else.

I think that's all the ones that I can come up with easily at the moment. It's probably a never-ending, never-changing list in reality, but these are the one's that catch my attention at my current state of being.