Body confidence

I've put up a load of photos from holiday here, but there's just one other I wanted to share with you:


I'm not perfect, and there's plenty of work still to do, but it's nice to feel like a bikini is at least an option, and it might not terrify the natives too much!

A huge improvement over h0w I felt this time last year.

Thank god.

Nose back to the grindstone

Hey guys, I'm back after my little sojourn to warmer waters (literally), and more or less in one piece. It was a most excellent holiday, and you can read about more about it -----> HERE!

Food-wise, the trip had it's ups and downs. Before I left, I set myself 2 goals for the week:

• to leave something on my plate at the Indian meal I went to with my Body Balance class the night before I left,
• and to write my journal whilst I was away.

Not so difficult, but I only managed a 50% pass rate! D'oh!! The meal was fine, but for various reasons the journal never made it past the first paragraph on the first day.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!

I went a lot like this -

Manic day rushing round on Sat, packing, running errands, tidying the flat, visiting my Dad, getting myself plus luggage to Jo's, then both of us to the hotel at Gatwick. Collapse in front of Strictly Come Dancing, eat dinner, sleep. No journal.

Up super-early, check out, car to airport parking, coach to airport, check in, 6 hour flight (?? Should have been 5, but they screwed up the take-off times a bit), 2 hours ahead in Egypt, transfer to hotel, eat exhausted dinner, sleep. No journal.

Hoof it to the beach, first morning sort out of teaching groups for the week, much windsurfing, exhausted dinner, welcome drinks in the evening, sleep, no journal.

Repeat on day 2, minus the first morning stuff, but plus one very messy night out in town. Throw up due to going completely bonkers on alcohol after time away from drinking. Pass out. No journal.

Wake up to find have developed bad stomach bug (locally known as Dahab Dash, since everyone gets it to some degree or another, spend next 36 hours throwing up, stomach cramps, "Dashing" and generally curled up in a small miserable ball on the bed, and gulping down the broad-spectrum anti-biotics I'd been prescribed by nice local pharmacist. Crawl out to the beach on the afternoon of the 4th day, lie in the sun (still no energy to windsurf), early night, no journal (and not a lot of food).

Days 5 and 6 - repeats of days 1 and 2, including very messy closing party, but minus the throwing up due to virtual alcohol poisoning this time. Still no journalling.

Final day - up early, hangover, lie on beach and chill for the morning, loooooooong trip home. No journal.

Whoops.

Food was generally up and down - breakfast and dinner were massive buffets, but eating a lot of good stuff in the evening like pitta, mezze and fish and rice. Breakfast was pancakes, lunch varied depending on what we got down on the beach - sometimes healthy like rice (and only half portions because appetite shot) and sometimes not so healthy like burgers. On 4 of the days, you can then add in at least several hours of windsurfing, falling in, manhandling kit and hauling myself out the water.

I did step on the scales yesterday morning when I got back, and they were ever so slightly up, but then I've been gulping down pills to try and settle my stomach for the last half of the week, so god knows what the true impact is. I'll weigh in properly on Friday and we'll see. Kind of hoping I'll have properly kicked this bug by then as it's still lurking!!

Anyway - I was straight back on plan yesterday morning, and did a shopping trip last night, with a list of meals for the week in mind. Had lucious venison burgers with roasted butternut squash with rosemary and broccoli and green beans last night - god, I missed veg while I was away!!!

Still storming along

Good morning, troopers, and welcome to another shiny new week!

I'm feeling pretty upbeat at the moment, because my healthy eating is really on a roll. I stormed the weekend and have even come out with a few little points saved! Virtuous on the food front? Oh yes indeedy!

The scales this morning have rolled on since WI on Friday, but I shan't talk actual numbers yet - that's a Friday thing. I'm happy anyway.

Exercise-wise the weekend was a bust, as I'm still resting my back. It's feeling quite a bit better though, but whilst there are still any minor niggles I'm going to continue to protect it and not risk another back-track (no pun intended). I'll tell you what though - ripping all that tape off on Sat night that the physio had put on? P.A.I.N.F.U.L. Basically removed 3 foot of very sticky plaster. I still have two wide red stripes down my back where it was. OUCH!!!

I'm having a bit of a hungry day today, but that's fine. I'll just have a light tea tonight, and hopefully I'm going to pop out for a 30 min walk round the block this evening to stretch my legs.

I feel good at the moment though. My size 14 trousers are fitting better, and I like what I see in the mirror more than ever. It's the little things away from the scales that are nice to achieve.

Can't believe that 3 weeks today I'm going to windsurfing on the Red Sea again - can't wait!!! Got most of my kit together now, and just need to get a new rash vest (my old ones I bit big, surprise, surprise) and I've got a line on a new harness on Ebay that I'm watching like a hawk. Excitement!!!

Struggling

I'm slipping this week. I haven't managed one day actually sticking to points - not one. Granted most days I've not been ridiculously over, but I've currently got a shortfall of 15 points for the week. I don't want to slide off plan, but my focus isn't there this week so far. I start each new day thinking I'll get it right, but it hasn't happened so far. Not having my usual plethora of activity points to run over into isn't helping either, nor is that fact that, frankly, I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I'm so frustrated with my body at the moment. I just want it to be healed already so I can get on with stuff, and it so fricking weak instead.

I went out shopping on Thursday night with Bec, and while it started out ok, after 90 minutes wandering round the shopping centre I was feeling pretty sore. I went to bed aching, and didn't get a great night's sleep, and then managed to oversleep yesterday as a result. It felt like such a setback, after it felt like it had all slowly been getting better. Of course, getting up late also put my schedule for the whole day out, as I got to work late, which meant working til later, plus I then had to do overtime to get something sorted - long story short, I didn't get home til nearly 4, and was starving since I hadn't eaten lunch by that point. I scrapped the leisurely bike ride I had originally planned - firstly because I had much less time than I'd anticipated, and secondly because I was still feeling sore.

Bright idea - I'll do some gentle yoga in the flat instead, and just try and loosen myself up a bit. I gave up after the first run through of Sun Salutation, as I'm not kidding, I couldn't get through any of the transitions, and could barely hold any of the positions. I am so not better. I tried just doing some of my physio stretches, but they either don't target the right area, or are so bloody painful it's hard to do them and continue breathing.

By the time I went down to Bec's for tea last night to watch Strictly Come Dancing (which incidentally, I am completely addicted t0), I was so totally sore that I just wanted to cry. I'll tell you how bad it was - it was cold at Bec's place as the heating isn't on yet, so she lent me some thick socks to keep my feet warm - I could barely lift my feet to put them on, and that was when I was sitting on a chair. Just great.

Is this why I ended up consuming about 8 points worth of chocolate before and after dinner last night?



I don't know. But I did. In fact, I almost sneaked the chocolate before dinner - I was cooking stew in the kitchen while Bec packed for a weekend away, and there was no one around to see. I was absolutely starving, so I raided 4 chocolates from an open box of Roses in the cupboard. I can't explain why, but my natural inclination was to hide that, especially when I heard Bec coming back down the stairs. I just totally felt like a guilty child, caught doing something I shouldn't be. I know I'm not the only one who does this - I was reading a post of Jen's a couple of days ago, talking about the same thing, and knowing I'm not the only one, I thought I should break the cycle, so I just yelled to Bec that I'd pinched some chocolates as I was hungry - kind of felt liberating actually.

So there was those chocolates, then Bec had put a Cadbury Twirl on one side for us to have for dessert after the stew - so I had half of that, and then she said help yourself to the chocolates in the box on the floor. I didn't initially, but I did have two before I left. What can I say about all that chocolate - I practically inhaled the ones in the kitchen. I was so hungry, that I barely tasted them - pretty much wasted. I savoured my Twirl, and the other two from the box. I'm still annoyed with myself though. For not stopping when I ran out of points.

It's been the story of this week. I get frustrated with my body, and I take it out on the food.

On a side note - pretty much all my friends have left for a long weekend in Munich this morning, to go to Oktoberfest - the humongous beer festival that happens every year. I can't go because of stupid, shitty working requirements that mean I can't take time off at a month end. Although it's a beer festival, and I don't actually like beer, I'm still sad not to be going, as it's going to be something fun that I'm missing out on, and I hate being left out.



I couldn't go in anycase, since I am currently stony broke, and have zero leave left, since I've already had about 6 million holidays this year. Did I mention that I booked my windsurfing in Egypt earlier this week? In just 6 short weeks, I shall be flying out for a week at the beach, with perfect windsurfing conditions every day. I'm telling you now - I have to be fixed by then!!!! No two ways about it! We're going in luxury this year - 4 star superior, baby! Whoop!

I'm digressing aren't I? Ok, positive thoughts. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl, which is why I'm struggling with this exercise situation at the moment. If I can't do it hardcore, there's no point doing it (in my mind anyway), and I know my body is nowhere near ready for that. Well, here's something to help me. For the next 4 weeks, we've been given a chart from the gym challenge. You know the stats you hear everywhere about 5 lots of 30 mins activity every week - well we've got to log it for the next 28 days. But the log is interesting, because it includes all sorts of things I wouldn't have thought of like housework and cleaning, gardening, and just plain old walking. So, I'm going to try and change my mind set - stop chafing at the bit about what I can't do, and just concentrate on getting 30 mins of something I can do in.

And I'm going to start yet another day and see if I can get the food right this time. Luckily, the scales aren't going against me yet for my indiscretions, but neither are they travelling downwards.

Croatia - day 4

Internet access, how I have missed thee!!!

Have spent the last couple of days absolutely roasting hot, here in Croatia -I feel likeI may never be cool again. Right now, I'm half here for the computer, and half for the AC - it's half 7 in the evening, and the temp has only just dropped back into the 20's.

We're currently staying in Dubrovnik, which is gorgeous, and have spent the past couple of days exploring. Walking the city walls yesterday in blistering 35 degree heat was an experience, so we keep jumping in the sea at every opportunity to cool off. We've been out to beautiful Lokrun island today - just alternately swimming and sun-bathing, and generally being lazy - well deserved after the amount of walking we did yesterday.

Tomorrow we pack camp and head to the next destination down the coast, which will be Split. We'll be stopping off at one of the National Parks on the way to explore the spectacular waterfalls at Krka.

I've been tracking my food and journalling, which seems to help me keep a bit of perspective. Food's been interesting as we have no way to keep anything cool, and until this afternoon we had no cooking gas either (and it's out fourth day now), but despite that it's not been so bad. I've been a bit over most days, as far as I can roughly calculate, but then I haven't added in any activity points to offset that. Mostly, I'm just following what Jo and Lissa eat, and let that be my guide.

Gotta jet off now - I'm getting a great tan, and loving the change of pace, scenery and climate. The only drama so far has been damn near missing the plane out - we had a puncture, and then got stuck in traffic and barely made it - arrived at Stanstead at 4.30, made check-in 1 min before it closed, and boarding was at 4.40 so we had to race across the whole airport to the furthest gate to make it - phew! Gives us a real appreciation of being here though, as we damn near weren't!

Life priorities and being grateful

I got my priorities back the right way round last night ... which is to say that I got to 5.15pm, said fuck work, and legged it out the office door before anyone could call me back in. Into the car at 5.20pm. It takes 40ish mins to drive home, Body Combat starts at 6.15 - can I make it? - you bet your pink panties I can!

Traffic's bad, so 45 mins to get home - park on the drive at 6.05pm, leg it up to the flat; 4 min turnaround to get changed into workout gear, fill my water bottle, grab a cereal bar and GO!!!! Half walk, half run down the road whilst gulping down the cereal bar, mow down some small children on my way through the security gates at the gym, belt up the stairs, sling stuff in a locker and skid to a halt in my usual spot in the studio. 1 min to spare before class starts! WHOOOP!

It was a good sweaty class, which I was in need of, although I kept getting slightly distracted by the greeness of my new work out top in the mirrors. It's really, so very green. It also shows up all the little (or *ahem* big) wobbly bits, that really need working on, which flattering black used to just hide. Still, I will not be ashamed of them. I might be the biggest person in that class, but I'm not the least fit, and I put in far more effort than some, so why should I be ashamed? Just look on it as extra motivation to keep your abs strong and everything sucked in while you're working out!! :o)

Back home, just getting undressed for the shower when the doorbell goes. It's Jon, and I nearly just flashed him, because I almost forgot to pull my top back on before going to get the door (think that would have surprised him a bit!). Would I like dinner next door - spaghetti bolognaise? Why thank you very much! (Yep, I was good and considered my points situation for the day before answering, like a good little Weight Watcher).

We wandered up to the pub for a late drink at 10pm after dinner (half an hour walk there and back) and met up with some friends, so all in all a nice chilled out evening. I'm still off the alcohol, so that makes the pub easy, but I might have had a minor misdemeanor whilst sitting on the sofa watching telly when we got back. I was honestly only going to have 1 biscuit. I only wanted 1 biscuit. So explain to me why I had 3???? Note to self - next time, don't ask someone to pass the biscuit box, unless you're sure you're stopping at 1. Idiot!

I had a little flounce around trying on a few different things, when I was getting dressed after my shower earlier in the evening - mostly short skirts and shorts for next week on holiday. I have to say, I think the combination of running and Body Combat has had a really good effect on my arms and legs over the last couple of weeks - I definitely feel like they look sleeker now. So that means I'll feel ok wearing short stuff next week in Croatia - yay!!

Scarily, it will also mark the re-introduction of the dare-to-bare nightmare that is always beachwear. I'm going to be brave. I'm a fairly trim UK 16 now (so that's what a 14 Stateside and Canada?) .... I'm taking the bikini. God help me (and possibly the other people on the beach who might be struck blind lol), but I'm easing myself into it - yes, the bikini's going, but I'm also taking a loose tunic cover-up, if I want to cover up my top half, and also small board shorts (as in the little bastards are ultra-short - something I'd never have contemplated before), if I want to cover the bottom half.

I'm taking bets now, on what the holiday damage will be this time round. What do you all reckon??

We're away for 10 days, and we're camping. In previous years this has usually meant fruit and bread and jam for breakfast, or occasionally eggs (we have no fridge while we're away, so we can't keep anything that needs to be kept cool). Usually something sandwich-y for lunch, more fruit, and possibly some chocolate, although not if it's too hot. Dinner is either eating out, or cooked on the camp-stove. Given that apparently Croatia has a lot of Italian-influenced cuisine and pasta is easy on a camp-stove, I'd reckon on lots of pasta being consumed. There's quite often wine round the camp "fire" in the evening (not an actual fire, but you get the gist of sitting round in camp and chatting). Snacks are usually cereal bars and fruit and occasional ice-creams. Past years have involved a lot of driving, a lot of walking, some lying round on the beach and pratting around in the sea, and some random miscellaneous activities such as canyoning or white-water rafting.

So what do we reckon? Weight on? Stay the same? Or even a loss?? Hmmmm - I can't work it out.

In the same vein as yesterday's postive thinking theme, and because I was reading someone's blog earlier and they were talking about perspective and being grateful for what you've got - here's my deep and meaningful thought for the day:

I'm grateful I've still got my dad, and that he's starting to emotionally heal after the loss of my mum two years ago.

And, because I'm shallow, I'm grateful I can wear white jeans and a close-fitting stripey jumper and feel good, because I know I look good.

So there.

Over and out.

Damage report

Big breath .....

4lbs on.

Well, it could have been worse I suppose. A bit depressing, but hey, holiday happens but once a .... well, 4 or 5 times a year.

I'm pointing again properly today, and in a weird way I'm looking forward to a quiet evening at home. No alcohol. Just as much food as I need and no more. No drinking games to tempt me. No staying up ridiculously late.

On the other hand, no friends, as they're pretty much all still in Scotlandio without me. Sob.

I want to do a gym workout this evening, but I'm also in desperate need of doing a food shop and running errands, so I might have to go for a ride or run later in the evening or something similar, as I'm going to run out of time otherwise.

The one awesome thing about last week was how active I was. Most days we were out - I went out on my bike 3 times, including an epic mountain bike ride with the boys, Andy and Tim, on Sunday. We tackled the Fire Tower Trail near Lochgilphead, and although 6 of us started out - 4 girls (my friends Hannah, Nia and Bridget) and 2 guys, the other 3 girls caved fairly quickly and headed back to the car. From an entirely selfish point view this was actually quite a relief as it meant we could really pick up the pace, stop waiting half-way up hills (and a quarter of the way up, and three-quarters of the way up ...) and really pelt down the downhill sections.

Far more technical than anything I'd done before (i.e. a damn-site steeper .... new trousers were required after a couple of sections ;o)) and challenging, and with just the three of us, I became tail-end Charlie, meaning I had to work my socks off to keep up with the boys. I freakin' loved it. It was the first time I've actually done downhill that was demanding enough that I had to drop my saddle down in order to hang off the back of the bike, and also my first go at a water-splash (it was only 20cm's deep, but we've all got to start somewhere!).

We did a 2 and a half hour walk across country on another afternoon, which was glorious, scrambling up and down hills, and hopping across bogs and streams. It's funny how much more challenging and interesting it is when you're walking on moorland that is a footpath-free zone - wading through waist-high bracken and having to pick your feet up extra high in the heather - you can practically feel the toning effect on your bum!

We rowed out to some of the islands in the loch in the old boat - it's about half an hour's solid rowing each way with a 8 or 9 foot oar - having to keep time with the other rowers and concentrating hard, but worth it when you moor up on a desserted heather-strewn island to eat your picnic and explore the ruined churches and bothies.

We spent a day down at the beach, shrimping in the shallows (i.e. running up and down with a net in front of you in the hope of catching something), dodging the monster red jellyfish (the bastards are a foot or so across) and then I tried my hand at a bit of windsurfing on Graeme's rig. Somewhat challenging as he uses a smaller board than I'm used to and a bigger sail, but I got up and going in the end. Minor problem when I came to tack and turn back though as I was wobbling all over the place and then promptly fell in and flipped the board upside down. You've never seen anyone get the board the right way up again and back up on it so quickly as me, when I looked down in the clear waters and realised there were about half a dozen big jellyfish floating in a ring around my feet!!!! Major fright! I did eventually manage to get back to shore without any stings, but I did fall off again and smack my head on the board on the way down, which is still a bit sore. Still, if it weren't for the jellyfish, it would have been a fun session of windsurfing.

I think I had one quiet day when I stayed at the cottage and crashed out, but I still pulled my running gear on in the afternoon and went out for a half hour jog up to the end of the lane and back.

So really, it was just the food that did me in. My meal time choices were generally fine, it was all the eating between meals that really did me in. That and the fact that I used the excuse of all the exercise as a get-out for snacking on returning to the cottage in the afternoons.

One thing that did make me feel really happy - one of the guys up there, Andy, was ridiculously fit - he climbs, mountain bikes (100 miles in a day!), walks, plays football, and it shows. So how chuffed did I feel when for some reason someone asked him what he weighed, and he said 14 st something - I know he's a guy, so it's a bit different, but it felt uber-good for me to weigh less than someone that fit and healthy for once.

And another good thing - I saw a picture that my friend Bec took of me in my wetsuit down at the beach - and it didn't look hideous. Good lord, I hear you say!

So there we go - holiday over, reparations began this morning, and hopefully I'll see the scales drop away again this week. For one thing, my metabolisms going to be a bit like Wil E Coyote running over the cliff this week - after all that food last week it's going to be scrabbling around wondering what the hell happened!

3 weeks tomorrow til I head to Croatia, and I'd like to have made a little bit more progress before I go!

40lbs!!

Guys!!! (Spot the fact I'm a little bit excited!)

See that tracker over on the left? See what it says? Just over 40lbs gone, and less than 30lbs to go!!! I am literally 1lb off losing 3 stone, and once I'm there then it's less than 2 stone to go, and to me saying oh, I've only got 1 stone something left to lose sounds soooooooo much better :o)

As you may have guessed, I managed to lose again this week. Despite my foody ups and downs and a small sprinkling of chaos thrown in I lost another 1.5lb on my short week from Monday to Saturday. I wanted to have lost 3 stone before I went to Scotland but I'm happy that this is totally close enough!

The next week's going to be a bit different to usual what with being on holiday and away from the computer but I'm going to try and make it an ok one anyway. I've got to start my packing in a sec, and then I'll be gone, gone, gone for about 10 days. Wish me luck! I'm going to miss my daily session of chit-chat and catching up on what you're all up to while I'm gone. Don't let me down - be good little troopers while I'm gone - I want to come back to read all about your fabulous losses and achievements!

Better go start the dreaded packing I guess - I've been putting it off for long enough! lol

The holiday season

I'm trying very hard to avoid a food focused melt-down this week. With holiday's now looming, I'm starting to feel the inclination to just say sod it - write it all off to the holiday - and that's really not what I want to do. Doesn't help that I'm still suffering crazy hormonal sugar cravings, and as we all know, that crap is addictive, so you just keep wanting it once you start.

So far this week, I'm trying to balance the sugar / eat crap urge with fruit, so I'm still in my points. Just about. I'm determined to keep my eating normal right up til I leave. New, healthy, normal that is.

But I'm thinking a change of strategy for next week might be in order. I wasn't going to point at all next week, just live a little and trust myself to make good choices. But Norway proves that I'm not terribly good at that yet, and I really don't want to come back with a humongous gain to deal with. I can't track properly while I'm away, as I'm an online WW's subscriber, and there is zero internet access in ol' Scotlandio, but I'm thinking that I could take a nice little notebook with me and at least food diary for the length of my trip. At least I'll have to be honest about my decisions then.

I need a plan, folks, as that's how I function best.

I'm intending on taking my own cereal and milk with me, so that breakfasts are sorted, as well as a selection of fruit and calorie-controlled snacks, and sugar-free squash. Lunchtimes we tend to forage for ourselves, so I'm sure I can keep that healthy, but dinners are a lost cause as we cook and eat together, so it's majority rule on what we get. On the upside, there's only so many things that you can make for 11 people in a pretty basic kitchen, so most evenings it's something like cottage pie, or pasta and sauce, or chilli - pretty basic home-cooked food. I reckon that if I apply my new portion-control eyes to my main serving, and then dose up on the usually plentiful veg that will help.

Alcohol-wise, it's going to be avoid the wine, and stick to the vodka and slim-line tonic. And much as I love Pimms, I'll need to limit that too.

So I'll take my Sue Survives Scotland provisions box with me. And, I know this sounds stupid, but I think I'm going to print this post out and clip it to the inside of suitcase, so I see it every morning. It might help remind me if I start to slip.

Scales-wise this week isn't going great so far - I've somehow gone back up 2lbs as at this morning, but I won't let it upset me - the scales are going back in the cupboard til Saturday now. I've got too much else to focus on this week. I've got shit-loads of washing, organising and packing to do, and literally zero money as I don't get paid til Monday (shit, fuck, bollocks - why is pay-day always such bad timing????). I've got Bridget coming over tonight for a catch-up, and I'm having lunch with my Dad on Friday. I've got pilates tonight and Body Combat tomorrow. I've got a pile of work you wouldn't believe that I have to deal with in the office, and severe decluttering that I have to do before Friday as they're moving my desk while I'm away. What I don't have is enough hours in the day.

Measurements

I took these again on Monday - a half-inch here or there off hips, arms and legs since June, but yet again, no movement on my waist. Seriously - when is that going to start to move again! Egg on legs is not a good look! The buddha belly must go!! Anyhoo, I'll put them up here when i get round to it.

I think that's most of my whinging done for today. It's just taken me half an hour to nibble my way through a Mr Kipling Bakewell Tart - there are yet more cakes in the office and it seemed like the least evil option. I'm debating whether I've got the time or money to order myself another hoodie from the internet and have it arrive in time for Scotland. And some luggage too. I hate being broke and disorganised. It sucks. I suck. Meh.

Having a heart to heart with myself

Ok - honestly, I'm now feeling a little bit disappointed with myself. I updated my tracker spreadsheet that I (geekily) keep to monitor my progress, and it's become quite clear to me that I'm slowly slipping in my goals.

When I started the tracker back in Feb or thereabouts, I looked to be well on the way to getting to goal by the time I go to Egypt in November. In fact, it looked like I would get there at the beginning of November, giving me a couple of weeks leeway. Now the projection is that I won't get there til pretty much the end of the year.

I know this doesn't sound much, but if that keeps sliding away it'll be well in to next year before I get there, or I just won't get there at all. Looking back through my posts on here, I can see a common theme emerging. And it sounds remarkably like this:

• Yeah!! I'm totally going to reach this goal, x, at by this week, y!!!! Yeah!!!!
• Oh, well, actually, this social event, z, got in the way, but never mind, because I can still totally make it. Yeah!!!
• Oh man - I'm totally going to have to pull my socks up to make that target. But I can do it. I can be that good. Honestly. Yeah.
• So I might have slipped up a little. I didn't quite make it. I know I promised I would, and I know I planned it all out, but it's ok, because I had a really good time doing whatever it was that seemed more important instead. And there's always next time.
• In fact I'm going to make another goal right now!!! And go back to step 1.

I know that I am making progress of a sorts - but I go through too many phases where my efforts are altogether too half-assed. And I am waaaay too good at making excuses for myself. After all - I've had 28 years to practice it.

Wouldn't it be good if there were easy ways to keep ourselves on track.

• An electronic shock from the scales if you don't get a loss of some sort.
• Speaking scales that not just announce your weight, but also any gains in an obnoxiously loud voice. That way it won't make any difference if you lock yourself away in the bathroom as your neighbours will be rooting for you to make the damn loss every week anyway!
• A treadmill that won't actually stop and let you off until you've done the required amount of exercise.
• TV that won't come on / stay on unless you're doing some form of exercise
• Curfew 5 nights a week - actually enforced by some independent third party, complete with prison-ankle-tracker-type arrangement.
• Your friends won't actually let you go on holiday until you've met the target you set!

This last one is the killer for me. I'm heading off to Scotland with friends in 5 and a half weeks. When I did my original tracker, I was supposed to be under 13 stone by then. I was so damn excited about that. And yet here I am - 5 weigh ins to go before I leave, and still struggling to get into the 13's, never mind back out of them.

How many times have I written in this blog about how amazed and grateful I am that I haven't given up yet? Answer: More than a few. But does 90% effort really count? How about 75% or 50%? Because that's what's happening most weeks. I can honestly say that I can't think of a single week where I've had a 100% perfect week. I'm not even sure there was one right at the very beginning, it's just that when you're starting out, your body is a lot more forgiving of your little slips, because it's still in shock that you're doing anything at all!!

So, yet again, I think I need to go back to basics. To taking every day one at a time. Trying to eat the right things, move my ass a bit, and not let the weekends sneak up behind me and smack me round the back of the head. Because apparently, that's all a bit harder than I make it sound!

This is now my 4th week stuck at this weight - hovering just about 14 stone. I'm so excited to get into the 13's and yet somehow I'm not getting there. I got to 14st 3lbs. Then I stayed there for a week. Then I dropped 2lbs. Then I put a lb back on. Enough of this namby-pamby watery version of WW's. The only way I'm going to get there is to do it properly. Because I do not want to fail at yet another thing. And, yes, by failing I am including do it in a completely half-assed kind of way and getting there later than everybody else. For once in my life, I WILL be successful at this. Damn it - I REFUSE to give in on this point!

I'm baaaack!

Evening troopers!! How's it going? Missed me much?? Even noticed that I wasn't here? Oh well, you've all got your own lives so I'll forgive you, but in any case, I have returned from my brief sojourn to Norway. And it were right lover-ly!!!

We have walked, and walked, and walked a bit more these last couple of days. So if that doesn't earn me some brownie points I don't know what will! But, on the flip side, I've also been off the points since Thursday, and there's been some cake, dinners out, McDonalds (I know - but we were starving and there was literally nowhere else open because we arrived in Oslo at 11pm and promptly got lost) and pizza at the airport, so it's hard to say which way things are going to go!

I should have weighed in yesterday for a normal week, but it's now going to be tomorrow morning - stay tuned to find out what happens! Running's going to be a bust for the rest of this week, due to injury (again!), so I'm going to have to get creative with my exercise for the rest of this week so I don't just sit on my ass. I'm doing one challenge that ends in 2 weeks time, with a mini-goal of getting to 13st 13lbs (my halfway point to goal), so let's just see if I can't make it anyway, never mind what gain I have tomorrow.

And if you want the full story on what went down in Norway come have a look over here ...

Oh - and one final thing ... I realised today, as I was stumbling along to the bus station to leave Oslo, with my massive pack on my back and grumbling how heavy it was - that it was actually lighter than the amount of weight I've lost so far. Now that REALLY puts things in perspective. This is my pack, which is a 65litre pack and was weighing at about 12kgs. I've lost nearly 15kgs to date.

Confession time

"Uh-oh " I hear you say. What did she do?

I'm a little embarrassed to say that I rather slipped up last night. Normally, if I over eat it's a conscious decision to do so, usually with a recovery plan already in place, or else it's completely out of my control (not so often) in that there's literally nothing else available. I can't claim any of that for last night though, and can only admit to a plain and simple lack of self-control and will power.

Somewhere in the middle of all the packing, I got persuaded to go along to girl's night at Becs' for a little while. I'd already eaten my healthy food for the day, and stayed just within my points, but the temptation of the goodies out on the coffee table proved too much, and I caved. I think I was aware at the time of what I was doing, but just adopted a "sod it, I'm virtually on holiday now" mentality. There were 2 tubs of those gorgeous little chocolatey nibbles from Marks & Spencer, nachos, and fresh raspberries. It started innocently enough with me thinking I'd just have one each of the M & S nibbles - a miniature rocky road and a miniature chocolate roll. Then I grabbed a few raspberries. That would have been fine, but for some reason I didn't stop there, and also had some nachos, and more of the nibbles. I'm not entirely sure how many of those little bits of chocolately goodness I had in the end - I suspect about 3 of the rocky roads and 4 of the chocolate rolls - if I assume that they're probably about 2 points each, and then add some points for the nachos, I would conservatively estimate that I consumed about 20 points at Becs' house for no apparent reason. I wasn't hungry and I wasn't particularly craving salt or chocolate.

This whole episode annoys the hell out of me. I knew exactly what I was doing and just shoved the thoughts aside. I'm not by nature a binger, or at least I never thought I was, but if my estimate of points is right, I just consumed nearly an entire days worth of extra calories and fat in the space of a couple of hours, and I wasn't even hungry. The most annoying thing is that if you actually put what I ate on one plate, it would easily fit and wouldn't even look like that much - how many people all over the world are doing this every day?? Not realising that those tiny little nibbles are so bloody deadly. It's an eye-watering insight into why we put weight on without even noticing where we went wrong.

This week is going to be hard enough with the trip away, without me making stupid mistakes like that. I went for a run last night which will be the last bit of proper intense exercise I do until I get back. I added an extra loop into my usual running route last night, which probably equates to just under an extra half a mile. Surprisingly, the whole run actually only took me about 5 mins longer than usual. My pace at the start felt a lot quicker than usual, but as a consequence of that I did need to take a couple of walking breaks to catch my breath (I think it was 3 in the end). Still, I'm pleased with my run, and it certainly knackered me out.

This will be my last blog until I get back from Norway, by which time I will have (belatedly) weighed in again. I fully expect to gain when I face the scales next Weds, since I'm still riding at a 2lb gain this week since weigh in on Monday; my challenge really is just to minimise that gain.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend, and I shall update when I return!

******

Edit - just checked the milage of the run yesterday on the Google Map Pedometer. This is seriously one of the best little tools I have found for checking out where and how far you've walked / biked on trips out! My normal run is 1.60 miles / 2.59 km. The additional section I did last night makes it 2.09 miles / 3.37 km, so it is indeed almost exactly half a mile extra. That's not too bad to do that in 25 mins.

Not enough time

I'm actually getting pre-emptive exercise withdrawal anxiety I think, about the fact that over the next 5 days my entire schedule is going to go out the window. How incredibly sad is that? Moreover, I briefly considered whether it would be worth me putting in some running clothes so I could do something while I'm away if I want to. And I'm feeling guilty that I haven't found the time to run yet this week, although I am desperate to try and make it to my spin class this evening.

I'm getting slightly annoyed with the scales this week - after 2 positively saintly days in which I have eaten just under my points and drunk plenty of water, they've quite determinedly gone up instead of down. Grrrrrr. Oh well, not a lot I can do about that other than just grit my teeth and keep doing what I do.

The Great Pack commences tonight for the trip - I have officially run out of time as I leave tomorrow morning. Whoops, although not entirely surprising because that is how it always is with me!

Sunshine moments

All this good weather is making me noticeably cranky about having to stay in the office, when outside is looking so damned inviting. What I'd love to be doing right now is getting my ass out the door to run, to bike, to windsurf or just to walk, basically anything other than sitting in an office doing nothing. I find that the more exercise and activity I do, the more I want to doing. Just to be moving around, pushing myself a bit, enjoying the adrenaline and the rush of the fast stuff, or simply the feeling of my muscles getting a little stretch.

Mind you - I don't feel like that all the time ;o) Last night I was decidedly grumpy about having to go to Body Pump - probably because it was inside a studio and I didn't much feel like being cooped up indoors, even with air-conditioning. I didn't have much excuse for not going though since I already had to go to the gym for my final physio session immediately beforehand, so I did go along, but that didn't mean I had to be happy about it. I'm glad I did go though, as it's the only weights workout I do during the week, so it's not as easy for me to catch up on it later in the week, like it is for cardio.

I was meant to be doing work that I'd bought home from the office last night too, but by the time I'd go back from physio and then Pump, and then had cooked and eaten something, there wasn't exactly a lot of time left. Still, I don't feel too guilty about that.

I'd like to be spending some more time out on my bike whilst the weather's so fantastic, but I've still got to fix it after it's last outing, so unfortunately that's off the cards at the moment. Hopefully, I'll get a chance once I'm back from Norway, and then I can do some more Friday afternoon singletrack / trail sessions when every other poor sod is still cooped up in work :o)

Food-wise I'm going ok at the moment, since I'm quite happy eating a wrap or jacket potato and salad for dinner in the hot weather. I'm just dreading the mad scramble over the next couple of days to get ready for our trip. All social stuff has been cancelled for the next couple of nights, so I can sequester myself away in the flat and try and sort through the bombsite that is my bedroom in search of the bits I want to pack.

On a side note - my positivity has gone through the roof recently. Not only do I feel like I can achieve all my weight loss goals at the moment, but really that the worst of the battle is done. In a strange tipping from glass half empty ("oh my god - I've still got so much more to lose") to glass half full; approaching the half-way point in my journey has had the weird psychological effect of making me feel like I've done all the slogging up the hill in the first half, and now it's a downward coast to goal. I don't know if this is just because I will very shortly be in the situation of having less to lose, than I've already lost, or if it's because I never really thought I'd even get to this point and now I'm so close to that magic halfway point, and I'm actually enjoying the benefits of my losses already, as well as not finding unfeasibly hard to stay on track. Whatever it is, I like it.

And just for the sake of listing them, so that I can look back when I'm not feeling so good, here are some of the benefits I've reaped so far:

• I can run for 20 mins continuously. I can complete a 5k distance in about 45 mins or thereabouts, and most of that is running.
• I can do a full plank, not a cheat-y kneeling one. I haven't tried full press-ups yet - I'll let you know the next time they turn up in Body Pump!
• I've dropped somewhere between a size to a size and a half in my clothes. This means that new shops and brands are opening up to me to choose from.
• I can see changes in the mirror that I like.
• Most photos don't automatically make me cringe now. Even when they're unflattering, I'm slowly coming to terms with myself.
• My confidence is soaring on the up. As a result I feel more able to put myself out there and risk things even if they might result in me looking stupid. And yes that does include potential rejection from guys - I haven't made a move and put myself out there yet, but I'm getting to the stage where I'm now feeling that I might be able to next time someone takes my eye. Lol (I'll be sure to relate that disaster to you when it happens!!)
• I actually can't wait for Egypt to roll round, because I'm now feeling confident that by then I'll have made plenty of progress and can't wait just to get out there on the beach and on waves and hammer it.
• I'm in love with my legs again - skirts are back on the agenda.
• My back is really smoothing out - somewhere along that path, somewhere in the future, lies backless tops - something that was on my goals for this year a couple of posts ago.
• I find my positivity affecting other parts of my life. My success and progress with this has made me feel like I can change other aspects of my life that I'm not happy with. I'm making a renewed attempt at sorting out my money woes (something I tend to talk about on my other blog rather than here), and I'm really considering what I want to do with my career; I'm even considering the frightening possibility that it might be a complete change of career path.
• I feel excited about the possibilities of life again - rather than mourn the things I've missed out on so far, I just want to put things right.

I shall stop there for the moment, because I need to get back to my work to meet my deadline for today, but if you haven't already got the general gist .... I feel pretty good at the moment.

Oh crikey!

Firstly, I'm feeling very happy this morning. Nay, I would even go so far as to say smug and self-satisfied.

"Why?" I hear you cry!

Because, as usual, I sneaked a look at the scales this morning (sorry - it's the one bad habit I've not been able to break myself out of) and they are about this close (holds fingers about half cm apart) from being dead on 14 stone, and therefore nearly under 14 stone, and therefore getting to 2 and a half stone gone, and therefore ......... (big breath) ........ being halfway along my journey to goal. Just 2lbs to get there in fact.

Awesome.

On the other hand, I've just realised that I'm eating out for lunch today, tomorrow and Saturday and I'm supposed to be drinking lots at a house party in London on Sat night.

Bugger.

So, on the one hand, eating shit-loads of really calorific food and shifting my ass like crazy over the last 2 weeks appears to have jumped my metabolism into overdrive (woohoooo), and on the other hand, I have a feeling the scales might show a small reversal on their current position by Monday.

Ah well - once I've seen it there on the little screen once, I know it's easy enough to get it back, so hopefully I'll be there soon enough.

I'm due to go out running on the hills tonight with my little running club. Luckily we're not actually running up the hills as we're driving up there to meet, but I'm sure it'll be pretty challenging anyway.

I've also just realised that I'm heading to Norway a week today, and I'm totally unprepared. I haven't got my currency yet, and I've not got much in the way of clothes to take, so I think I'd better spend what little spare time I've got over the weekend trying to get a bit of sorting done - make some lists, get all my stuff washed and get a handle on what I need to buy, etc. Yep - that's right! - I shall actually attempt to be organised about this and not leave everything until the last moment so I can tie myself in knots and have a huge stress about packing. See - I can change my spots :o)

*Contented sigh*.