Don't Give Up

I found this on a forum a minute ago - I don't know who posted it, but I like it.

When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down

And you feel like the biggest failure in town;

When you want to give up just because you gave in

And forget all about being healthy and thin;

So What! You went over your points a bit;

It's your next move that counts...So don't you quit!

It's a moment of truth, It's an attitude change;

It's learning the skills to get back in your range;

It's telling yourself "You've done great up till now;

You can take on this challenge and beat it somehow;

It's part of your journey toward reaching your goal;

You're still gonna make it, just stay in control.

To stumble and fall is not a disgrace

If you summon the will to get back in the race;

But, often the struggler's when losing their grip

Just throw in the towel and continues to slip

And learn too late when the damage is done

That the race wasn't over and they still could of won.

Life-style change can be awkward and slow

But facing each challenge will help you to grow;

Success is failure turned inside out

The silver tint in the cloud of doubt.

When you're pushing to the brink, just refuse to submit;

If you bite it you write it... But Don't you quit!

Just keep on keeping on

You know the phrase "banging your head against a brick wall"?

Well, I've felt rather like that's what I've been doing for the last 5 weeks or so. My weight's gone down a bit, then it's gone up, it's been down, it's stayed the same, but not a lot of progress has been made overall. My head wasn't strong enough to break the wall I'd run up against, but I just kept on headbutting it anyway, getting frustrated, but not getting anywhere much.

Persistence appears to be the key though. Every little time I made an effort, every time I hit that wall, made an impact. I might not have been able to see it, but weaknesses appeared, and then this morning it's like a little chunk finally fell out the wall - a visible sign of the impact I've made. The scales finally moved down again.

The point I'm trying to make - persistence pays off. Doesn't matter if you feel like you're trying to smash through a wall with your head, or cut down a tree with a nail file, or even just chipping away at all those unwanted stones of flesh on your body, one tiny pound at a time - it all adds up. You might not always see it, but one day you'll turn around and realise how far you've come.

Excuse the horribly mixed metaphors - I know they don't make a whole lot of sense - blame it on addled brains after all that proverbial head-banging!

What's more exciting than the glimmer of hope that the scales might start moving in the desired direction? That I think I've formed a new, good habit. One I can take away and use elsewhere in my life. Persistence. I haven't given up. Not even when things didn't look so good. When I've tripped up, I've picked myself up and started again. When the road took a detour, I kept on plodding. When the destination looked so bloody far away that I want to cry, I just looked at my feet and kept on walking, one little step at a time ... and if I keep doing that - mostly concentrating on what my feet are doing and the ground right in front of me, and just occasionally checking that I'm still heading in the right general direction, I'll get there.

More mixed metaphors - sorry.

The good thing with this persistence malarkey, is that it will carry me clean past goal if I let it. Into maintaining my new healthy lifestyle. Through whatever challenge I set myself next, because really, it's just the power to make the right decision every time something is put in your path. To weigh up the pros and cons, and decide which you want more at the end of the day. And it seems that most decisions come down to whether you want instant gratification or a long term return.

Talking of which - I've just been given a chocolate chip muffin. Because I'm a geek I got the nutritional information and just worked out that that bastard's 7.5 points. I don't want it but can't really give it back - any suggestions on what to do with it???? Seems a bit of a waste to just put it in the bin, but then I don't want to put it in my mouth either!!!! Bugger. It's sat on my desk giving me evils at the moment.

Not that it really matters - I've got my mojo back, and my self-belief, and my confidence in my ability to make the right decisions.

My back's also well on the way to being better. I can MOVE AGAIN!!!! YAAAAAAAY!

So I'm muchos looking forward to returning to spin class tonight. I'm just going to take it easy, but I can't wait for the easy camaraderie of class, and just doing something. After that I've got some of the girls coming over for a little catch up - good times ahead.

Having a heart to heart with myself

Ok - honestly, I'm now feeling a little bit disappointed with myself. I updated my tracker spreadsheet that I (geekily) keep to monitor my progress, and it's become quite clear to me that I'm slowly slipping in my goals.

When I started the tracker back in Feb or thereabouts, I looked to be well on the way to getting to goal by the time I go to Egypt in November. In fact, it looked like I would get there at the beginning of November, giving me a couple of weeks leeway. Now the projection is that I won't get there til pretty much the end of the year.

I know this doesn't sound much, but if that keeps sliding away it'll be well in to next year before I get there, or I just won't get there at all. Looking back through my posts on here, I can see a common theme emerging. And it sounds remarkably like this:

• Yeah!! I'm totally going to reach this goal, x, at by this week, y!!!! Yeah!!!!
• Oh, well, actually, this social event, z, got in the way, but never mind, because I can still totally make it. Yeah!!!
• Oh man - I'm totally going to have to pull my socks up to make that target. But I can do it. I can be that good. Honestly. Yeah.
• So I might have slipped up a little. I didn't quite make it. I know I promised I would, and I know I planned it all out, but it's ok, because I had a really good time doing whatever it was that seemed more important instead. And there's always next time.
• In fact I'm going to make another goal right now!!! And go back to step 1.

I know that I am making progress of a sorts - but I go through too many phases where my efforts are altogether too half-assed. And I am waaaay too good at making excuses for myself. After all - I've had 28 years to practice it.

Wouldn't it be good if there were easy ways to keep ourselves on track.

• An electronic shock from the scales if you don't get a loss of some sort.
• Speaking scales that not just announce your weight, but also any gains in an obnoxiously loud voice. That way it won't make any difference if you lock yourself away in the bathroom as your neighbours will be rooting for you to make the damn loss every week anyway!
• A treadmill that won't actually stop and let you off until you've done the required amount of exercise.
• TV that won't come on / stay on unless you're doing some form of exercise
• Curfew 5 nights a week - actually enforced by some independent third party, complete with prison-ankle-tracker-type arrangement.
• Your friends won't actually let you go on holiday until you've met the target you set!

This last one is the killer for me. I'm heading off to Scotland with friends in 5 and a half weeks. When I did my original tracker, I was supposed to be under 13 stone by then. I was so damn excited about that. And yet here I am - 5 weigh ins to go before I leave, and still struggling to get into the 13's, never mind back out of them.

How many times have I written in this blog about how amazed and grateful I am that I haven't given up yet? Answer: More than a few. But does 90% effort really count? How about 75% or 50%? Because that's what's happening most weeks. I can honestly say that I can't think of a single week where I've had a 100% perfect week. I'm not even sure there was one right at the very beginning, it's just that when you're starting out, your body is a lot more forgiving of your little slips, because it's still in shock that you're doing anything at all!!

So, yet again, I think I need to go back to basics. To taking every day one at a time. Trying to eat the right things, move my ass a bit, and not let the weekends sneak up behind me and smack me round the back of the head. Because apparently, that's all a bit harder than I make it sound!

This is now my 4th week stuck at this weight - hovering just about 14 stone. I'm so excited to get into the 13's and yet somehow I'm not getting there. I got to 14st 3lbs. Then I stayed there for a week. Then I dropped 2lbs. Then I put a lb back on. Enough of this namby-pamby watery version of WW's. The only way I'm going to get there is to do it properly. Because I do not want to fail at yet another thing. And, yes, by failing I am including do it in a completely half-assed kind of way and getting there later than everybody else. For once in my life, I WILL be successful at this. Damn it - I REFUSE to give in on this point!

Sunshine moments

All this good weather is making me noticeably cranky about having to stay in the office, when outside is looking so damned inviting. What I'd love to be doing right now is getting my ass out the door to run, to bike, to windsurf or just to walk, basically anything other than sitting in an office doing nothing. I find that the more exercise and activity I do, the more I want to doing. Just to be moving around, pushing myself a bit, enjoying the adrenaline and the rush of the fast stuff, or simply the feeling of my muscles getting a little stretch.

Mind you - I don't feel like that all the time ;o) Last night I was decidedly grumpy about having to go to Body Pump - probably because it was inside a studio and I didn't much feel like being cooped up indoors, even with air-conditioning. I didn't have much excuse for not going though since I already had to go to the gym for my final physio session immediately beforehand, so I did go along, but that didn't mean I had to be happy about it. I'm glad I did go though, as it's the only weights workout I do during the week, so it's not as easy for me to catch up on it later in the week, like it is for cardio.

I was meant to be doing work that I'd bought home from the office last night too, but by the time I'd go back from physio and then Pump, and then had cooked and eaten something, there wasn't exactly a lot of time left. Still, I don't feel too guilty about that.

I'd like to be spending some more time out on my bike whilst the weather's so fantastic, but I've still got to fix it after it's last outing, so unfortunately that's off the cards at the moment. Hopefully, I'll get a chance once I'm back from Norway, and then I can do some more Friday afternoon singletrack / trail sessions when every other poor sod is still cooped up in work :o)

Food-wise I'm going ok at the moment, since I'm quite happy eating a wrap or jacket potato and salad for dinner in the hot weather. I'm just dreading the mad scramble over the next couple of days to get ready for our trip. All social stuff has been cancelled for the next couple of nights, so I can sequester myself away in the flat and try and sort through the bombsite that is my bedroom in search of the bits I want to pack.

On a side note - my positivity has gone through the roof recently. Not only do I feel like I can achieve all my weight loss goals at the moment, but really that the worst of the battle is done. In a strange tipping from glass half empty ("oh my god - I've still got so much more to lose") to glass half full; approaching the half-way point in my journey has had the weird psychological effect of making me feel like I've done all the slogging up the hill in the first half, and now it's a downward coast to goal. I don't know if this is just because I will very shortly be in the situation of having less to lose, than I've already lost, or if it's because I never really thought I'd even get to this point and now I'm so close to that magic halfway point, and I'm actually enjoying the benefits of my losses already, as well as not finding unfeasibly hard to stay on track. Whatever it is, I like it.

And just for the sake of listing them, so that I can look back when I'm not feeling so good, here are some of the benefits I've reaped so far:

• I can run for 20 mins continuously. I can complete a 5k distance in about 45 mins or thereabouts, and most of that is running.
• I can do a full plank, not a cheat-y kneeling one. I haven't tried full press-ups yet - I'll let you know the next time they turn up in Body Pump!
• I've dropped somewhere between a size to a size and a half in my clothes. This means that new shops and brands are opening up to me to choose from.
• I can see changes in the mirror that I like.
• Most photos don't automatically make me cringe now. Even when they're unflattering, I'm slowly coming to terms with myself.
• My confidence is soaring on the up. As a result I feel more able to put myself out there and risk things even if they might result in me looking stupid. And yes that does include potential rejection from guys - I haven't made a move and put myself out there yet, but I'm getting to the stage where I'm now feeling that I might be able to next time someone takes my eye. Lol (I'll be sure to relate that disaster to you when it happens!!)
• I actually can't wait for Egypt to roll round, because I'm now feeling confident that by then I'll have made plenty of progress and can't wait just to get out there on the beach and on waves and hammer it.
• I'm in love with my legs again - skirts are back on the agenda.
• My back is really smoothing out - somewhere along that path, somewhere in the future, lies backless tops - something that was on my goals for this year a couple of posts ago.
• I find my positivity affecting other parts of my life. My success and progress with this has made me feel like I can change other aspects of my life that I'm not happy with. I'm making a renewed attempt at sorting out my money woes (something I tend to talk about on my other blog rather than here), and I'm really considering what I want to do with my career; I'm even considering the frightening possibility that it might be a complete change of career path.
• I feel excited about the possibilities of life again - rather than mourn the things I've missed out on so far, I just want to put things right.

I shall stop there for the moment, because I need to get back to my work to meet my deadline for today, but if you haven't already got the general gist .... I feel pretty good at the moment.