Struggling

I'm slipping this week. I haven't managed one day actually sticking to points - not one. Granted most days I've not been ridiculously over, but I've currently got a shortfall of 15 points for the week. I don't want to slide off plan, but my focus isn't there this week so far. I start each new day thinking I'll get it right, but it hasn't happened so far. Not having my usual plethora of activity points to run over into isn't helping either, nor is that fact that, frankly, I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I'm so frustrated with my body at the moment. I just want it to be healed already so I can get on with stuff, and it so fricking weak instead.

I went out shopping on Thursday night with Bec, and while it started out ok, after 90 minutes wandering round the shopping centre I was feeling pretty sore. I went to bed aching, and didn't get a great night's sleep, and then managed to oversleep yesterday as a result. It felt like such a setback, after it felt like it had all slowly been getting better. Of course, getting up late also put my schedule for the whole day out, as I got to work late, which meant working til later, plus I then had to do overtime to get something sorted - long story short, I didn't get home til nearly 4, and was starving since I hadn't eaten lunch by that point. I scrapped the leisurely bike ride I had originally planned - firstly because I had much less time than I'd anticipated, and secondly because I was still feeling sore.

Bright idea - I'll do some gentle yoga in the flat instead, and just try and loosen myself up a bit. I gave up after the first run through of Sun Salutation, as I'm not kidding, I couldn't get through any of the transitions, and could barely hold any of the positions. I am so not better. I tried just doing some of my physio stretches, but they either don't target the right area, or are so bloody painful it's hard to do them and continue breathing.

By the time I went down to Bec's for tea last night to watch Strictly Come Dancing (which incidentally, I am completely addicted t0), I was so totally sore that I just wanted to cry. I'll tell you how bad it was - it was cold at Bec's place as the heating isn't on yet, so she lent me some thick socks to keep my feet warm - I could barely lift my feet to put them on, and that was when I was sitting on a chair. Just great.

Is this why I ended up consuming about 8 points worth of chocolate before and after dinner last night?



I don't know. But I did. In fact, I almost sneaked the chocolate before dinner - I was cooking stew in the kitchen while Bec packed for a weekend away, and there was no one around to see. I was absolutely starving, so I raided 4 chocolates from an open box of Roses in the cupboard. I can't explain why, but my natural inclination was to hide that, especially when I heard Bec coming back down the stairs. I just totally felt like a guilty child, caught doing something I shouldn't be. I know I'm not the only one who does this - I was reading a post of Jen's a couple of days ago, talking about the same thing, and knowing I'm not the only one, I thought I should break the cycle, so I just yelled to Bec that I'd pinched some chocolates as I was hungry - kind of felt liberating actually.

So there was those chocolates, then Bec had put a Cadbury Twirl on one side for us to have for dessert after the stew - so I had half of that, and then she said help yourself to the chocolates in the box on the floor. I didn't initially, but I did have two before I left. What can I say about all that chocolate - I practically inhaled the ones in the kitchen. I was so hungry, that I barely tasted them - pretty much wasted. I savoured my Twirl, and the other two from the box. I'm still annoyed with myself though. For not stopping when I ran out of points.

It's been the story of this week. I get frustrated with my body, and I take it out on the food.

On a side note - pretty much all my friends have left for a long weekend in Munich this morning, to go to Oktoberfest - the humongous beer festival that happens every year. I can't go because of stupid, shitty working requirements that mean I can't take time off at a month end. Although it's a beer festival, and I don't actually like beer, I'm still sad not to be going, as it's going to be something fun that I'm missing out on, and I hate being left out.



I couldn't go in anycase, since I am currently stony broke, and have zero leave left, since I've already had about 6 million holidays this year. Did I mention that I booked my windsurfing in Egypt earlier this week? In just 6 short weeks, I shall be flying out for a week at the beach, with perfect windsurfing conditions every day. I'm telling you now - I have to be fixed by then!!!! No two ways about it! We're going in luxury this year - 4 star superior, baby! Whoop!

I'm digressing aren't I? Ok, positive thoughts. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl, which is why I'm struggling with this exercise situation at the moment. If I can't do it hardcore, there's no point doing it (in my mind anyway), and I know my body is nowhere near ready for that. Well, here's something to help me. For the next 4 weeks, we've been given a chart from the gym challenge. You know the stats you hear everywhere about 5 lots of 30 mins activity every week - well we've got to log it for the next 28 days. But the log is interesting, because it includes all sorts of things I wouldn't have thought of like housework and cleaning, gardening, and just plain old walking. So, I'm going to try and change my mind set - stop chafing at the bit about what I can't do, and just concentrate on getting 30 mins of something I can do in.

And I'm going to start yet another day and see if I can get the food right this time. Luckily, the scales aren't going against me yet for my indiscretions, but neither are they travelling downwards.

Boobies!!!

It's back to underwear talk today I'm afraid. This time we're moving due North of the last pants conversation - ladies - I'm talking bras. Specifically sports bras.

Now lets face it - with a few notable exceptions (Pamela Anderson and the other bootyful, but amazingly gravity defying beach babes of Baywatch) nobody wants to see breasts flying untethered during exercise. It's inexcusable.

For a start, it's a health hazard - flying objects that could result in concussion or eye-removal for either the owner or other unfortunate people in the vicinity. And it's distracting - when you're trying to concentrate on your own moves or technique in body combat or spinning - you don't want someone else's assets to continually be drawing your eye - jumping up and down (literally) and effectively screaming looooooook at me. Haha - you've tripped over now.

(And on a side note - I've said it before and I'll say it again - women of the world - if you're spinning - pleeeeeeeeease do not wear low cut tops - I do not want to see your cleavage wobbling and juddering around, and generally nearly falling out of your top across the spin circle from me for the duration a class - PUT IT AWAY!!!!)

Let's face it - as far as sports are concerned the firmer the containment the happier I am. If the ancient Chinese habit of breast-binding was still around I would probably happily advocate it for the gym!

I last got measured about 3 months ago, and was disgusted to be told that my chest size had gone up from a 38 to a 40. Now in all fairness, I hadn't previously been measured in a very, very long time so given the weight I'd put on over the years this wasn't unreasonable. Since then, I've noticed that lots of my bras are fitting better, and my sports bra isn't offering nearly as much support as it used to. The ladies have been running a little too free for my liking the last couple of weeks - I hadn't really noticed until I started Body Combat 3 weeks ago, but there's nothing like spending an hour each week punching, kicking and jumping around in front of mirror to bring the point home!

So - to maintain a status of non-hypocrisy I tootled along to M & S last night. Since I knew I'd changed size, but not really what to go for I asked the lady if she could measure me quickly. Her verdict? Chest size - about a 42. Cup-size - around an E cup!!!! I looked at her in total disbelief, and I think she caught that as she hastily said that it wasn't always right and what was I wearing as I stood there. A 38d, which quite clearly fitted perfectly. The sports bra that was too big was a 40c.

What, I ask you, is the point of a measuring system that is so wildly inaccurate??? Had I not been so flabbergasted, I'd have let her go and get that size so I could have had a really good giggle about ridiculous it would look.

Anyhoo - I've now got something in the right size, and I took it out for a run last night to try it out. Whilst the bra might have been ok, my legs felt like bloody lead - which I think is the effect of not running at all regularly over the last month. At least I still made it round my c. 20 min loop, but I felt bloody slow doing it.

After this morning's eat-everything-in-sight moment, I think my appetite has just about calmed back down to its normal level. However, I'm still fighting to not over-ride my appetite this afternoon. I'm always like this when I'm even vaguely bored, and there's food in my vicinity - doesn't matter that I can clearly answer the question about whether or not I'm still hungry (no) I still sit there eyeing up what's available. It doesn't help that I'm pissed off and frustrated today. Lots of stuff going on at work, and I put on a brand new skirt this morning that I've been waiting a couple of weeks to wear until it fit properly - did it and the zip promptly spontaneously combusted beyond repair, so I had to physically rip it apart to get the damn thing back off again.

At the moment I just can't wait to get safely to the end of tomorrow and finish for a week.

Warning - boredom levels reaching critical!

I'm not an emotional eater on the whole, but one thing above all others is liable to cause me to eat needlessly - boredom.

When I'm bored I do one of two things - I eat or I shop. It's like they're the easiest things to do to make me feel better, the quickest way to pick myself up.

And right now, I am really, really bored. This is why I eat at work too, but I digress, because all I can think about right now is eating something, anything, to while away the time. And I don't want to do that. I've already resorted to browsing all the internet sites I normally shop on, but since I don't want to spend money either, that's not really helping me much. I just want sugar right now. Biscuits would do. Or ice-cream. But I already had a measured portion of that for dessert after dinner.

I can't get the thought of food out of my head. I've been hungry all damn day. Except now I realise I haven't actually been hungry at all, I've just been damn bored. My stomach's not hungry, but my head is. Jeez - this is like being at work when all I can think about when I'm bored is what the next thing I will eat will be. Except at work, well, I have work to distract me, plus a limited amount of food available to me, and the scrutiny of my work colleagues to hold me in check. Here at home I have none of the above.

Wow - this sucks. I don't often get this much time to get bored, so I don't usually have this problem at home, but I've wandered in and out of the kitchen about a dozen times today already, eyeing up the cupboards, and I don't want to blow it now. And I've run out of telly to watch.

I'm not going to give into this. I'm going to go and clean out and sort through some more drawers - that should keep me occupied for a bit. And put some music on to dance around to too.

Give me bloody strength!!