I'm on FIRE!

Good news everybody - I'm still walking the path of good eating!! Hurrah, I hear you shout!

Put it this way - the more weight I can lose before my run, the easier it will be!

In case you missed it yesterday, I've entered myself for my first ever race in the second of the Scott Aztec Trail Series runs in the Forest of Dean on 10 Jan. I'm running the short course, which is 5.4km, and the race is all over trails in the woods, no roads. I'm slightly scared that this is an actual race, rather than a charity fun run, and they have a whole points scheme for places (mostly for people running the whole series of races), and the timings are done via fancy-Dan ankle chips that each runner wears, but it does say it's for everyone from complete novices to elite, so what the heck - in the words that I heard all windsurfing holiday - "go big or go home".

After yesterday's realisation that I've back-tracked to eating crappy food which isn't keeping me satisfied, I've been keeping an eye on what I've been eating, as well as how much. I was reading an article in Zest magazine about the energy density of foods (which is basically what the Weight Watchers filling foods principle is based on), and it just reminded me what I already knew - that foods with lots of water in are much lower in points, but sure keep you filled up for longer. Plus they tend to be much less full of artificial rubbish. So it's back to basics again! Poached eggs for breakfast, soup and a yoghurt for lunch, stir-frys and pasta for dinners, and I feel a lot better for it already.

I need to get my head into a healthier place in the long-run as I don't want to struggle when I hit maintenance, and when I can't be close to a computer to monitor my calories all day. I also want to fuel my body for maximum efficiency - I've got lots of stuff I want to do next year, which will need my fitness to be higher than it is now (as much as now is a vast improvement on a year ago).

You want a sneak peak of stuff I want to do next year?

1. Obviously skiing in Jan - I'm looking forward to this as I'll be lighter and fitter than I've ever been when I've hit the slopes before.
2. My 5km first race, and I'd like to work up to a 10km or so during the year.
3. Kite-surfing weekend - I'd love to give this a go, as we see the kite-surfers when we go to Egypt and it does look like fun, and Jo's up for heading somewhere like Cornwall and giving it a bash.
4. Hit the lake and make some proper improvements to my windsurfing. This went a bit under the radar this year, with hitting the gym and a 1000 holidays, plus back problems, but I want and need to get it moving again this year.
5. Career Break.

Yep - point 5 is the big change that I've been talking about. It's been a long time coming, but I'm at a point where I'm ready to take the bull by the horns and do stuff. I'm booting around a couple of ideas at the moment, so I can't really say exactly what I'm going to do yet, but at some point from the summer onwards next year I'm planning on jumping on a jet plane and disappearing for a bit to go and do something completely different. Without going in to too many details at the moment, general fitness and point 4 above potentially come into my plans.

I've been dreaming my dreams for ages now of a better lifestyle, but I totally lacked the confidence and self-belief to get up and make the moves I needed to. Now it's a different story, and whilst the uncertainty and enormity still scares me silly, I'm ready to face it head on and get stuck in.

Recovery

I'm feeling a bit more in control today, and the weekend looked a bit more normal. I was still a bit over on points, which I expected to be realistically, but I don't feel like I went completely nuts.

I feel like I'm a bit more settled back into my routines today. Something Lizzie said last week on one of my posts really struck home - I'm struggling because I've been eating more convenience foods recently, and less home-cooked and basics, and it's not as filling - no wonder I end up raiding the cupboards again and again!

So how did the weekend go, after Friday's epic session of food lunacy? Better. Saturday, after I'd posted about my disappointment in myself I went and made myself pasta with tomato and chilli sauce, lean chicken and veg. That kept me nicely filled up til I made it to the boys' flat in Clapham, and upon arrival I got fed tea, which actually turned out to be more pasta! Bolognaise sauce second time round, but a nice size portion and a healthy sauce again. I had a glass of wine with dinner, and then stuck my evening drinking to vodka and diet mixers ... I think there were quite a few of those but it was damage limitation. I did have 2 slices of toast when I got back at 3.30am, but considering the boys had kebabs on the way home, I'd say that was ok.

Yesterday, I got woken up to be handed a toasted bacon and egg sandwich, but all grilled and no butter - not too bad. I stopped on the way out of London to grab a sandwich for lunch - M & S Count on Us range, a small chocolate bar, and then on to home. I got cooked for in the evening - roast lamb (oh my god - absolutely heavenly!!!), but it worked out really well because it was lean leg, and LOTS of veg - celeriac, parsnip, carrots, 2 small roast potatoes, broccoli, onions and a little bit of bacon in with joint, and a bit of gravy and redcurrant and port sauce. I got given a small piece of cheesecake for dessert without being asked - nice but luxurious.

Today, I'm fully back on plan with a vengance. In accordance with Lizzie's thoughts, I've bought my lunch with me and had a jacket potato with plain tuna and a yoghurt for lunch. Tonight I'm going to have pasta with tomato sauce, chicken and veg, and I'm going to spin.

Going forward, I'm going to make much more of an effort to bring my lunches from home, and make them filling foods. Partly because I need to control my hunger during the day, but also for another reason.

I need to start saving money. Major saving over a short space of time, because I have plans. Yep - this is related to the mysterious life changing stuff I was talking about last week. My plans have changed slightly over the weekend, as things move along. One option has been taken away from me, but it ended up leading me down a slightly different path that I'm pretty damn excited about. I'm still exploring the options, but I need to start thinking about funding now, and get started on that. I'll say this for the options though - they're all things that sit very nicely in my ideal of healthier, fitter lifestyle and will give me plenty of ways to challenge myself over the next year in getting to that place.

On a completely separate note - I've just crazily entered myself for my first ever race!! No tame 5km on the road for me - nope!! Instead I've entered myself for the 2nd of the Scott Aztec Trail Runs in the Forest of Dean. So on 10th January, I shall be collecting my timing chip (gulp - this seems quite serious!) and setting out for 5.4km round the forest trails. There's 3 races running that day, so I'll be running with people doing the 10.4km and 15.4km races too - they go on to do extra laps of the course. I would allow myself to get scared as this is a race rather than a charity run, but it says it's open for people of all abilities, from complete novices upwards, so I'm going to concentrate on enjoying my experience and see what time I get. I've cautiously put myself down as an estimated 40 mins to complete, as I'm not the fastest runner on the planet, so we'll see how it goes! I'm going to see if any of my friends want to come do it (or one of the longer races) with me, but thought I'd better enter now, before I allow me to talk myself out of it!

That's everything for today!

Ta-rah!!

Disappointed

Yep, I'm disappointed with myself this morning. I seem to be stuck in a little self-sabotage loop at the moment, and every time I'll say I'll eat better today I seem to get a little worse instead.

Take yesterday - I ate well up to mid-afternoon. I left the office several hours later than intended on my Friday afternoon off, and rushed off to an optician's appointment in town with points still in hand for dinner out with Jo. I met up with Jo, and after a bit of hunting round (it seemed to be ridiculously busy in town last night), we settled on a very nice Italian restaurant.

I made a halfway good choice for dinner - tagliatelle with chicken, mushrooms, and a tomato-y sauce, but with a bit of cream in. Ok. Not the absolute best I could have picked, but ok. Then I ordered garlic bread. With cheese. Kinda going down hill, as I didn't have the points for it, but not an absolute deal breaker, and would have been fine if I'd stopped there.

After dinner, we wandered along to the Victorian Christmas market down the street. And bought fudge. Now, this should be a clue to me how far off the beaten path my mind has wandered, as fudge is like my own personal crack - I can't not eat it. Had a few chunks, left the rest alone.

Afterward we'd said our goodbyes, I meandered home, and popped round to see the boys who were having a bit of a geeky boardgames night with friends. Danger signs flashing in neon on the edge of my vision, as I decided to take the vodka and slimline tonic with me and have a drink or 2. No points for this .... again, not a deal breaker in terms of points, but just not needed. What was I thinking???

Suffice it to say that all control went right out the window at round about this point, and I then stuffed my face with about 4 slices of Pizza Express thin-crust pizza (prob about 3 or 4 points a slice?), Jelly Babies (god knows how many points) and 2 small slices of home-made apple cake (don't even want to think about it). Like the genius I am, I then proceeded to stay up til 6.30am this morning drinking vodka and watching films with Jon.

WHY??????

So this morning, I'm tired, but can't sleep, cranky, kicking myself, and wondering where the hell my head is at????

I'm due off to London at some point fairly shortly for a night out, and I'm pretty sure that my lack of sleep (about 2 hours??) is going to catch up and majorly kick me in the ass shortly.

And what's with the eating. Why on earth would I continue to stuff my face with junk yesterday, when I've just had to report a small gain that morning because I've already stuffed my face with junk? I just don't understand my logic, or lack there of.

Today, I'm now faced with the prospect of another night out, and a night away from home, where I've got to try and get my head back in the game. It's not there yet. How can I tell? The fact that the open packet of fudge is next to me and I've been nibbling from it this morning is probably an awesome clue.

*Closes packet and moves it away before I just say fuck it and finish it off*

I don't like where my head is. I want to get these last 18 lbs kicked, and this is not the way to do it. Here's my promise to you - today I will practice moderation, like I certainly didn't practice it yesterday. I'm not sure that I'll be able to do today under points, as I am out drinking with the boys, but I will think things through, and make conscious decisions. I ate all the crap yesterday, so it's not like I'm denying myself anything I haven't had in ages.

Time to go and have a shower, put some washing through, and find something sensible to have for lunch (I've missed breakfast now). Do half an hour or so on my "project", pack my stuff and go. I will make good choices for dinner tonight, and not go nuts with the drinking.

That's my plan. I'll report in tomorrow.

Ooooh - and thanks to Kate for the Ronhill recommendation for my winter kit - had a look on Wiggle yesterday, and the prices were much more sensible than what I'd been looking at before!

Preparing for the Winter

Nice try, Kate, but I'm not giving up my secrets just yet - they still remain firmly shrouded in mystery. Suffice it to say that I spent another hour or so on this little project last night, and I'm slowly gaining confidence in my decisions - sods law is I'll get turned down and it won't happen now .... hmmmmm, has that got you intrigued???

I'm nicely achey this morning after Body Combat last night, I blasted through it giving it my all (what can I say, I had a lot of pent-up aggression to get rid of!), but I felt a few little twinges in my hip and ankle towards the end, which tells me I still need to be careful with my kicks. Balance tonight which is nicely timed to unwind the tightness from the week's exercise.

I started looking at kit yesterday, knowing I wanted some long tights for running in the colder weather. I'm not a fan of the treadmill (DULL!!!!), so would rather be running outside, even in the winter. All the streets round me are pretty well street-lit, and I could take a head-torch if I want to run on the commons or the hills in the dark, so there's no excuse to not go out. I was reading BettyMountainGirl's most recent post, regarding kit, and it did make me laugh as I'm such a magpie for shiny stuff. So I've pared down my list of "wants" - I don't need a new jacket, as my current waterproof is short and well-cut, lightweight and well ventilated, I do want some long tights, but don't need anything extraordinarily expensive, I've survived so far with out specialist headphones and the Nike+ for my iPhone, I would quite like to just get some reflective bands for running in the dark so I don't get mown down, and I already own a fleece headband and lightweight fleece-lined gloves from skiing, so that'll keep me cozy. That's probably cut the cost in half! Plus I can use the tights for biking in the winter too - no excuses not to get out!

That's pretty much it for me, at the moment. I'm doing the photo diary thing again today - boring for you guys but useful for me - just trying to rein in the damage from the weekend - a half a lb loss this week would be fab after the over-eat of the weekend, but I'm somewhat dubious that will happen!

Back on the bike

Yesterday went pretty much to plan ... apart from the dratted birthday cake, of which 2 small slices somehow insinuated their way into my mouth. Ummmm .... not sure how to excuse that, apart from to say it's very NICE cake, and somewhat healthy because it's got butternut squashes in it (ok, so it's less unhealthy), and that I intend to exercise more self-restraint later this evening in the face of the cake.

I got to spin last night, and busted a good sweat on the bike, as well as booking myself back in for Combat on Wednesday, so that's that part of my goals for the week being adhered to! I'm heading to the cinema tonight to see Bright Star (about the poet Keats), and I've planned a nice healthy, veg heavy dinner beforehand, which can be in the oven roasting whilst I bolt out for a quick run after work. Tick another point off my goals!

I was also good last night in two ways: firstly, I got back from spin and had a text asking if I wanted to go for home-made pizza next door with the boys. I wavered for 5 mins, thinking it would taste soooooo much nicer than my healthier, already pointed thin crust one from Pizza Express that I was planning to have for dinner, but in the end I stayed to eat mine as it was less points - tick! I also made myself get up off their sofa at 10pm, as I started to feel tired and GO TO BED, so I could get my 8 hours kip. Another tick and a gold star. Especially as the show we were watching was only halfway through and I missed the end.

So that's my life at the moment. I've got quiet nights with exercise planned til Thursday this week, then Fri I'm going to meet up with Jo, and Sat I'm off down to London to see some friends for a "quiet" night out in Clapham. Hopefully, I'm going to catch one of my schoolfriends, Koks, for coffee on Sunday on t'other side of Clapham Common and then crawl home for some sleep.

There are other things afoot in my life at the moment, things that make my stomach crawl with nerves, but I can't really talk about them yet. They're not bad, but they could potentially turn my whole life upside down, at least for a short time. I'll talk about them if anything happens (in fact you'd be hard put to miss them, if anything comes of it), but I may still yet bottle it, if I don't have the courage to see it through.

Intrigued?

Suffice it to say, that a year ago, I felt the same way, but didn't have the courage to even think about it. I'm still not sure I do now - but they always say that you regret the things you didn't do, not the things you did do, right?

And I'll leave you on that cliffhanger.