Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Lightbulb moments

Before I started all of this, when losing all my weight was a Holy Grail - highly desirable, but ultimately a myth and about as achievable as winning the Lottery, I thought that when you lost weight you just woke up one day and thought wow - I'm thin! I also thought that achieving goal would automatically mean achieving the body I'd always wanted. And the life I'd always wanted. Basically everything would be better when I was thin.

Even when I started losing it, I still thought there would be a points along the way where I would suddenly find myself feeling thinner and that that would make me a different person. Hell, I even worried that it wouldn't necessarily be a better person.

Now I'm over half way there, and I realise that I'm going to be exactly the same person when I get to goal. I'll still have the same insecurities. I'll be smaller, no doubt about that, but still far from perfect. In some ways I'll just have replaced one set of imperfections with another. Admittedly, they'll probably be better, healthier imperfections, but I'm going to have to work like hell on each of them individually.

I thought getting smaller would automatically make me a more attractive person. Maybe. But probably not to the extent I'm thinking it will. It looks like my prolonged single status may not be all to blame on my fat.

I thought losing weight would automatically leave me with a great body. Not so much. Saggy bits will still be saggy. Skin imperfections will still be there. Some bits might be toned up with work, but other bits are likely to stay exactly the way they are now.

I thought getting to goal would make me self-confident. 100% love-myself-confident. Going to have to work on that one I think. I do feel a bit better about myself sometimes, but it doesn't take much to remind yourself how much better you could still be.

Not that any of these realisations are any reason why I shouldn't lose weight. More a step along the road to being realistic, and adjusting. I've been hiding behind my fat one way or another for far too long, and now I've got to face the fact, that being the person I want to be is far more than just fighting the flab. If I want the career, the opportunities and life experiences I crave, then I'm damn well going to have to work for them. They're not going to get handed to me on a platter because I'm thin. As for getting the man I want - not really something you can work on so guess I'd better get used to it and stop whinging lol.

I don't think there's an explicit enough warning for would-be dieters -

Warning - dieting might cause you to have face unpalatable truths about your life.


Lainey said...

This is something that I've struggled with. It's been so easy to place the blame on 'fat' if someone doesn't fancy you or if you don't feel as attractice as you should.

Keep your chin up. No-one is perfect!

Enigmanda said...

Ok...please climb out of my head!! LOL
I feel *exactly* the same!!

I am half-way aswell, and still trying to see some good in all of this.
This past week has been a rough one, where I feel just as crap about myself as I did when I first started!

You are unique, and from what I have read here, you are a smart intelligent, humorous, (and from pics) a very, very attractive lady. Don't let anyone tell you, or make you feel any less than the truly wonderful person that you are.


Linz M said...

I totally understand where you are coming from. As much as my life is pretty much as I'd like it, I always have this idea that it would be perfect if only I was thin.

I think the realisation that the weight loss is not the be all and end all - and we need to love ourselves despite any flaws is a difficult one to get used to.

You're funny and very pretty - you just need to believe it!

Rapunzel said...

How true that is! Weight loss will not cure all of what ails you, that's for sure, but in my case it became one less burden I had to carry (literally). When I gained it all back I felt like even more of a failure. Not going to do that this time!

Carlos said...

so true. so easy to blame stuff on the fat... sucks that the fat is more than likely a symptom of something much harder to face... thanks for posting this. i needed to hear this today.

skinnyminny8 said...

very very true.. I think thats one reason why people lose weight and put it all back on... they don't understand that thin or fat, you are really the same person.