Monday, 30 March 2009

2lbs On

So it happened - a week when I put on instead of taking it off. And I'm still breathing, it wasn't The End Of The World, and I'm still sticking to plan. I thought I'd feel worse about it, but I think I was semi-prepared as I could guess it was going to happen after the weekend.

What I do know is that I'm more motivated than ever to keep going and get this bit back off, and then to get on with the rest of it.

Now, it's not the greatest motivation in the world, but I'm really anxious to try and make a really good dent in what's left, over the next 2 months. At the end of May, I'm going to the wedding of this weekend's Hen, Kate. And not only do I want to not cringe at the wedding photo's this time, but there is going to be someone there who used to be a good friend, but is sadly now very much not. Whilst it's sad that a 16 year friendship has been completely destroyed by her choice, I bloody well want to turn up looking the best possible as she keeps making snide comments about how fantastic her life is these days.

Deeply shallow, but if it helps me power on through the next two weeks, I'm down with it!!

Sunday, 29 March 2009

What a weekend!

This weekend was the hen party of my friend Kate, who I've known since school. Friday afternoon, after an absolutely hectic day at work, I set off to collect friends and travel up to rural Lincolnshire - the venue of the weekend's festivities.

Up til Thursday I'd been diligently saving points this week to try and offset some of the damage at the party. I'm a bit disappointed that one way or another I didn't make it to the gym more often this week, but best laid plans and all that malarkey. Friday turned out to be one of those days when loads of little things conspire against you, so nothing runs as smoothly as it should. Work ended up running way over, so I was late home, then when I left, having just about had time to throw lunch down my neck at 4pm, and 10 mins to pack, I realised that my sat nav charger and mount were in my car down at the garage, and therefore I was going to have to wing it to my friend's house without. Later in the car, I realised I'd forgotten pyjama bottoms (d'oh) and the required bottle of bubbly and one of wine (bugger), because I'd been so wrapped up in the fact that I'd be drinking vodka and slimline tonic, which I had remembered.

Anyhoo, after about 4 hours we eventually got there and the mayham commenced. 20 girls in a massive cottage for the weekend with no neighbours to disturb and a hot-tub, indoor heated pool, karaoke and a games room at their disposal .... plus a very well-stocked drinks fridge - brilliant!!!

Needless to say, there's been a lot of food and drink pass my lips this weekend. Friday night was ok - I was a few points over for the day, but nothing disastrous, but despite the best intentions on Saturday and trying to make wise decisions, dinner caught me out (no choice in what we ate) and I gave up trying to point somewhere around 50 points. Yep - 50. Read it and weep. I certainly will when I step on the scales tomorrow! Today was back to my usual good behaviour, but I expect there may be a gain tomorrow - I'm putting my bet in at 2lbs but we'll see.

Don't regret a minute though - walks on the beach (nearly blown away), chilled wine in the hot-tub, hilarious fancy dress for a murder mystery dinner, bad, bad karaoke and lots of friends - it was worth it.

On the upside, I had several comments from friends I hadn't seen for a while asking if I'd lost a bit of weight, and I'd swear my confidence has bounced up a bit, as I didn't realise until after I'd stripped down to swimwear and jumped in the tub how much less self-conscious I was than before, even in front of slim, gorgeous, semi-strangers :O).

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Sanity restored

Oh dear - I was feeling grumpy earlier! Still - I have regained a bit of my equilibrium now. Having wasted a fair amount of the day being Grumpus Extremus, I felt a bit guilty and bought my laptop home to catch up on some work .... needless to say it's still sat on the bed from where I put it down when I arrived home.

Went to see the physio this evening, who's verdict is that there's no permanent damage causing the aches, but one way or another my hamstrings have got overly tight, and that's probably the root of a lot of the current discomfort. After 15 mins of her brutalising (sorry: working) on my hamstrings, they were a lot looser and I could actually touch the floor again, and I've got stretches to do for the rest of the week. Other than that, I can exercise as normal - yay.

Interestingly, she took one look at all my joints (far too double-jointed) and some of the bruises I'm currently (still) sporting and asked if I was often clumsy (I am). She thinks I might have something called Dyspraxia (sp?), which I should go and read up on, but apparently might have something to do with my constant, awe-inspiring ability to walk into anything in an even vaguely close proximity to myself. Whatever it is, she reckons that a lot of core work might help straighten it out. With that in mind, I've also got a strange whoopee-cushion looking device that will now be residing on my office chair under my arse - it's basically a disc-shaped cushion you sit on (like a really small, flat Swiss ball) that destabilises you and forces you to work to sit better. Guess we'll see how that goes.

Had a bash at making leek and potato soup for the first time this evening - mushed together a couple of different recipes off the WW's site, but the result was very nice and tasty, and I've got another couple of portions for lunches this week, at only 1 point each. Bargain - and I love it when I'm organised.

Well, I'm going to take my slightly saner brain off to bed now.

Grrrr ...

I had a bit of a freak out this morning. I was sat at my desk, looked down at my belly (no other word for it) and realised that it still looks huge. Which made me depressed. Which made me think that This Will Never Work, it's too easy, nothing good is ever easy, it wasn't easy before so why is easy now, it'll stop working soon, and the ultimate question - when will it suddenly stop magically working?

Which is a lot of negativity to fit into the space of about 60 seconds.

But in all honesty it's how I do feel a lot of the time, even if I do manage to supress it and get on with the plan anyway. We're programmed to think that dieting (I hate that word) is so damn hard, so then I end up thinking that this can't possibly keep working. that any success so far must be a trick - lulling me into a false sense of security.

Mind you - I suppose in a way it does - I can't count the number of people who say they do so well, and then start sliding back into their old habits one tiny bit at a time. I'm scared that'll be me. Or that I'll run out of this mysterious supply of will-power that I currently seem to have, and do what I usually do with everything else in life - get bored and give up.

And if 1 and a half stone doesn't seem to have made much of dent in how I look, will the other 3 and a half really make it all that much better?

Ugggh - how do we go from feeling so high to feeling so low in such a short space of time - it's like you can actually feel the positivity and motivation draining out of you into a pathetic little puddle on the floor.

I think this might all be the effect of me feeling grumpily hungry all morning. Oh, I've been good enough - had beans on toast for breakfast (no butter or spread), and stuck to fruit all morning, but I hate feeling hungry, and of course I'm desperately trying to save points for the weekend. Think I'm also feeling increasingly deserted by my flatmate, who's literally inseparable from the guy she started going out with at Xmas. I'd thought by now, they might have settled into a more relaxed routine, but no, either she's at his, or he's wandering round our place like it's home, and the whole thing is really starting to set my teeth on edge. I mean, he's an alright guy, but frankly I don't need to see that much of him. And the rest of the time I don't see my flatmate for dust. or they're sat in the living room being ultra-couply, and slink off to her room to watch tv behind closed doors from about 8.

There maybe toys flying out the pram before the end of the day.

Monday, 23 March 2009

Smug and satisfied

Hooray!!! I've lost again this week :o) And that's in spite of my ending the week 16.5 points over - whoops!!

Despite the scales being a little wooly this morning (they must be about as awake as me first thing on a Monday morning), the best guesstimate is I lost another 2.5lbs this week!! I say wooly because the first time I stepped on them, they gave me such an optimistic result (14st 13.5lb) that I though that couldn't possibly be right. The second go said 15st 2.5lb, and on the third go I got 15st 1lb. I don't know if the batteries going, or they were just being a bit stroppy, but I decided to run with the average and take 15st 1lb as my official WI.

So, with the hen party looming on Fri, I didn't quite manage my target of being 15st for then, but frankly I can't really bring myself to care that I'm 1lb off my target - big deal!!! Because I have still hit my target for 7lbs in March which was one of the challenges I was doing online.

This week will mostly be about scrimping and saving points for the weekend - god knows how that'll go, but I can but try.

Sunday, 22 March 2009

Progress report

I'm sat here looking at the blank page trying to work out what's new since I last scribbled my thoughts on here.

The answer appears to be not a huge amount.

Let's see ..... Friday afternoon it was such a nice afternoon that I decided to go for a stroll on the hills. Normally I cheat and drive to one of the car parks up on the hills and then walk to the top from there, but since my hills pass (that allows me to park for free) is still in my car, stranded at the dealership, I decided to walk up from the house for a change. Wanting to take it easy, I decided I would just walk up for half an hour, see where I got to, and then stroll back down.

I usually avoid walking from the house, because the first bit, through town to get to the hills, is pretty steep, and it always annoys me that it's 15 mins before you hit the hills proper. But actually it was pleasant to just stroll up at my own pace, taking it slowly and enjoying the afternoon. I also found that even when I left town and started walking up through the gardens that lead on to the hills (where it starts to get a lot steeper - it kicks off with a flight of about 50 steps), that actually I wasn't all out of breath and sweaty, and just kept steadily plodding on up the hill. At my designated half an hour point I had just arrived above the St Annes Well, which is some way up the Worcestershire Beacon, and where there is a rather convenient view point over the Worcestershire countryside.

Sometimes it's just so nice to stop and sit, listen to the silence on the hills, and the noises drifting up from below and feel the breeze floating past. It makes me realise that I should make more use of the gorgeous hills I live on, and I think maybe I should try and make more of a habit of going for a Friday afternoon walk. Maybe just stick to an hour at first, and I can always make it longer once I feel a bit fitter and the sunsets are later.

Saturday saw me off on a jaunt to Cribbs Causeway for shopping with the girls - Amanda (my flatmate) and Sheena. Spent way, way too much money, but came back very satisfied that I'd purchased another top from Animal in a 16 (and a structured top rather than a t-shirt this time), and a cute little double-breasted swing jacket from M & S in blue in a 16, after the 18 proved to be too baggy. There was also a lovely, long, nipped-waist shirt from H & M that looks great belted over leggings or jeans - it was an 18, but given how notoriously stingy H & M sizes can be on occasion, I'm happy with that. Other purchases included new flip-flops for the summer and some awesomely high canvas wedges to wear with my lovely new super-flares I bought the other week.

Ok, so I'm broke now, but also happy.

Saturday evening saw us attending the 50th birthday party of my friend Bridget's dad. Even though I had some points saved for drinks, it turned out that there was a massive and amazing buffet laid on. Rather than sit there being miserable and wanting stuff from it all night, I made the conscious decision to go off-plan for one night only as long as I was sensible. So I had one moderate plate from the savoury stuff, and two of the mini (and I mean mini!) desserts - the size of individual chocolates, they probably contained all the calories under the sun, but damn they tasted good. Add a slice of b'day cake (it would be rude not to really!) and some white wine spritzers, and it was a lovely evening.

This morning I've jumped straight back on plan, and I've pointed the damage from last night, which wasn't really any better or worse than expected. A SP this morning showed that I was still on course for a good loss this week, but either way I don't regret it. These situations will crop up from time to time and we've just got to learn to cope with them - either to be strong enough to slog it out with a night of denial (like my flatmate), or just to take it in your stride and say "hey, the losses might be slower this way, but oh boy, am I enjoying it!" (my preferred choice). Only the scales can reveal the truth tomorrow morning!

Had a nice chilled out day today, up late and then went to get some flowers for my grandma's 95th birthday tomorrow. Three dozen pink roses later, I met Sheena for (the now routine) afternoon coffee and gossip, and then mooched on over to my Dad's to see him and my grandma. Had a sandwich for tea, and but resisted most of the cakes as felt that I was already full.

And that brings me to my latest discovery this week. I think I'm finally getting back in touch with my appetite and my understanding of when I feel full. I've noticed a couple of times in the last couple of days that as I've neared the end of a meal I've realised I'm full and that I don't really need, or therefore want, the last little bit. A bit of a surprise when I even did it with the remains of the chips at Nando's yesterday lunchtime!

The first part of next week should be pretty quiet on a social front, so it's a good excuse for me to stockpile some points. I'm going to need them as I'm away the whole of next weekend on a hen party with a group of 20 girls. I haven't quite decided my strategy yet - whether to save as much as poss and then not point, but just try and be sensible, or to try and point it as I go along. A while ago I was thinking about what to do when I go away and don't have internet access, and I thought the best thing might be to buy myself a pretty little notebook and take it with me to scribble down what I've had and anything else of relevance while I'm away. This weekend will also be a test of self-esteem, as not only am I required to dress up as a footballer's wife for the murder mystery on the Sat night (complete with short, short skirt), but there's a private indoor pool at the cottage and I suspect there's going to be an impromptu pool party at some point - oh joy!!!

Check back in to see how preparations are going this week, and to give your thoughts and suggestions on the best way to tackle it!!!

Thursday, 19 March 2009

Still hanging in there

Haven't found a lot of time to write in the last couple of days, but I'm still hanging in there, doing the WW's thing. Went out for a b'day dinner last night, and ran over on points, but I'm on the way to recouping them now, so should finish the week on an even keel. Have finally got round to booking to see the physio at the gym next Tuesday - bit scared that she's going to say I have to lay off all exercise for a while, but guess I'll have to jump that hurdle when I get to it. I wanted to try Body Combat tonight and had booked in, especially as I missed spin class yesterday, but I'm just too damn achey to risk it at the moment - will try and do a gentle session tomorrow to make up for it.

Have realised today that I at least have more confidence than a lot of people my size - there were lots of people on the forum earlier talking about how they dread the summer because they hate their bodies so much they won't even wear a skirt or a sleeveless top, and there's me - galumphing round merrily in whatever I choose. I guess that's a bit of perspective for me - I may not love my body, but I've come to terms with most of it, and can at least identify one or two bits that are worth showing off (my cleavage usually lol).

The funny thing is, I genuinely think that that's one of the reasons I might actually have a bit of success with WW's - that I don't hate myself, and I can like myself enough to want to do something good for me, and that I do deserve that much.

Just can't figure out why I had to wait so long to get to that point, and waste the best part of goddamn 20's getting to that point!!!

Tuesday, 17 March 2009

..... and she's back in the game!

I just wanted to say thanks guys, for your absolutely spot on comments after my last post. You're absolutely right - I've really only been at this a short while so far, it will just slide away a bit at a time, and frankly as for my self-inflicted target of 15 st by the end of the month - weeell, I'm close enough now, that really what does it matter by a couple of lb's? It's not like I'd see that difference in my clothes / appearance.

So - the self-indulgent wallowing is packed up back in it's bag and put away where it belongs.

On the upside, I treated myself to a couple of new pairs of jeans yesterday - ones that will hopefully give me a bit of leeway to lose weight and have them still fit. I was particularly happy to be able to buy size 18 jeans from Next, as although I've always been in and out of 18's in pretty much every other shop - theirs have always defeated me.

I've also started to ruthlessly cull my wardrobe, one little bit at a time. If I put it on, look at it, and it doesn't make me comfortable because it's hanging a bit baggy - it's going. If it's got funny little marks on that I know aren't going to come out - it's going. If it's got those funny little holes in that just seem to magically appear in your favourite tops when you're not looking - it's going. There is absolutely no point in me keeping clothes that are worn out, or already starting to look too big - especially the last one as I have no intention of going back there to fit them again. The only ones I don't currently wear that get to stay are the one's that are still a bit too small. Bit by bit I'm going to slim this wardrobe down so it's actually all good stuff that I wear.

Woman on a mission - coming through!!!

Monday, 16 March 2009

Feeling frustrated

I'm feeling more than a little frustrated today. I weighed in this morning and lost 1.5lbs. Well, that's good I hear you say! And it is good, but I just think this is going to take forever!!! I mean I've got 70lbs to lose overall - and ok, I've kissed 16.5 of that good-bye already, but that still leaves over 50 to go!! 50 - that's such a massive number.


I think part of the problem is, when everything was going so well to start with, I set myself a little goal of being 15 st by the time I go to a friend's hen party at the end of the month - a target that seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. But now, with only one official weigh in to go before then, I realise I've set myself up for the first failure of my WW's career, as 3.5lbs left to lose in one week just doesn't seem feasible - stupid, stupid girl!!

Things haven't seemed so bad so far, I've had some steady losses, and I've seen some changes in myself and the way my clothes fit, but bloody hell, I've got such a flipping long way still to go. And I really don't want to fail this stupid little mini-goal I set myself - since I did set the damn thing now I feel like I've got to make it.

So, as I sit here eating my mid-morning snack of pineapple, I'm wondering how on earth I can drop 3.5 by next Monday .......oh god - I do make things complicated for myself sometimes!!!

Sunday, 15 March 2009

PWT (Pre Weigh-in Tension)

Eeeek - weigh in tomorrow, and I can't tell if I'm impatient to see the results from this week, or anxious in case they're not as good as I'd hoped. I really must stop peeking at the scales throughout the week - up til yesterday they were saying I'd already clocked a big 3lb loss this week, but they'd bounced back to only a 1lb loss this morning. Ah well, it's all in the averages I suppose so I need to stop getting so fixated on the individual weekly results, but it's hard not to when you've been particularly well behaved during the week - have been trying so hard to stick to my daily point allowances this week each day and not really eaten into my bonus points.

Since the bike ride this morning was cancelled due to me not being over with my friends after all, I made the most of the sun and walked down to retrieve my bike from the car which is now marooned at the garage. Had a nice sunny 20 min walk down the hill to garage, and then a fun (?) bike ride back up. I was quite pleased though actually because I'm not finding that hill as tough as I'm sure I used to. Going to have to walk back down again tomorrow to take the keys in and explain what's happened, and hopefully (fingers crossed) to pick up a courtesy car, otherwise I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to be getting to work this week since the office is 20 miles away!

Wandered in town after that to meet my friend Sheena for coffee and a belated lunch in my case. Grrr that the coffee shop has run out of skimmed milk for my chai latte, so had to have semi-skimmed instead - a whole extra point and a half!!!!! lol Weird how these things matter now. Sheena said that she really thought she could see a difference in me now though, which was very sweet of her - buoyed me up a little bit.

Actually I've just had a bit of a funny thought - I was musing on the way home from coffee about a guy I think I quite like, and then doing my usual routine of mentally slapping myself and thinking "oh but he won't fancy you - why would he? You're fat", and it's just occurred to me - what excuse am I going to use when I'm not any more? Hmmm - think I'd better start thinking about that! (Oh, and don't worry - it's not that I hate myself when I think these things - more a useful self-defence mechanism to avoid disappointment :o))

Saturday, 14 March 2009

An evening wasted

Gaaaaah - stupid car broke down on the way to J and L's; had to wait nearly 3 hours on a pitch black dual-carriageway for the RAC to come and get me, despite about 4 phone calls to find out what the hell was taking them so long. The long and the short of it is that the car is temporarily dead, and I had to be towed back to my local garage before being given a lift home. What an absolute waste of an evening, and now I won't get to see the girls for a couple of weeks. :o(

On the upside, I suppose it saved me from my second meal out of the day, and at least I managed to sort out the shopping first. The offfending expensive items have been taken back, and I've bought some useful (and inexpensive) tops from H & M in their place. I tried on a couple of pairs of jeans whilst I was out, and although I was very pleased to see that the 18's in both Dorothy Perkins and Next were starting to fit very nicely, I decided against buying anything yet. With any luck I might be able to cling on to my current pairs of jeans long enough that I can just skip to getting a couple of pairs of size 16's instead. Oh my god - I can't tell how excited I would be to be buying a 16 - don't think I've ever really properly been that size before!

Weekend again already?

The happy, upbeat feelings still persist this morning - where the hell have these come from? Not that I'm complaining, I'm just not used to feeling quite this optimistic about life!

I tootled off to the gym as I said I would last night, and decided to shake things up a little bit. Rather than just spending 30 mins on the x-trainer as I usually would I split the 30 mins in to 3 10 min sections instead. Did some on the x-trainer cranked up to a decent resistance to warm up, then hopped on to the rower for 10. Normally I find this pretty hard work, but last night the 10 mins and 2k seemed to go quickly and easily. Bizarre. Was going to then work a sweat on the x-runner for the remaining 10 mins (a bizarre cross between a x-trainer and a treadmill - it's an elliptical like the x-trainer, but free-swinging instead of on a defined track - so the more you work the more extreme the stride you take, going from a gentle walk up to a full-out run in an on-the-moon-zero-gravity kind of way - somehow you usually end up going full tilt which is pretty brutal). Sadly they were both currently in use so I settled for another 10 mins on the x-trainer on medium to high. Was chatting to my spin instructor Mark, who happened to be on duty in the gym, whilst I did some floor work. He's only recently started teaching, and it's nice how eager he is for feed-back on the class - last night he was showing me the new track-listing and what he'd got planned for each track - looks cracking (the track-list that is lol), so now really looking forward to Wednesday's class. The only downside is that my leg / back is still really achey and sore - couldn't do most variations of crunches because they caused twinges, so I settled for going back to basic straight up crunches -3 sets of as many as I could manage before the burn became disabling. God I hate injuries ... grrrrrrr.

Having a nice quiet morning today, just enjoying having a bit of time to myself. Most of friends have gone for a long walk up the hills, but I said I'd maybe meet them for lunch and give the walk a skip - it seems to be the walk 2 weeks ago that triggered the current twinges so figured I wouldn't risk this one. So will hopefully meet them for lunch (hoping the hotel we're meeting at will have nice fresh soup on the menu), then possibly meeting another friend who's down visiting her parents for the weekend for coffee. After that will wander into town to take back the clothes from last weekend and then going over to see 2 of my school-friends, Jo and Lissa who now live about 40 mins drive away. Will go out for dinner tonight and stay over with them tonight and then going to go for a bike ride with Jo in the morning - something nice and gentle along the canal I think.

Funny how my nice quiet weekend has somehow filled up with loads of stuff to do!

Friday, 13 March 2009

Win some, lose some

Wow - who said Friday the 13th was a bad day? The scales this morning said I might lose some weight this week after all, I'm wearing skinny black jeans that used to be really tight and now fit nicely, with a belt that I bought to use as a waist belt, but is now used for trousers instead and seems to have jumped in an extra notch. There was zero traffic on the way into work this morning, so I was in at 7.30 and out by 12.30, and even managed to polish off pretty much all the work including the last minute requests for info from the States. And we were told today finally that our jobs are safe and there's not going to be compulsory redundancies after all - don't think I realised how relieved I was going to feel about that.

So took my Dad out for a nice lunch in town - lush food, although now used up all my points for the day as I had a little blow out. I had the home-made soup (very sensible I hear you say) but also treated myself to a side bowl of their fries with garlic mayo as they are some of the best you will ever taste - piping hot, crisp, not to greasy, and just the right amount of salt on them, and the mayo is to die for. Also had a peach syllabub for dessert - very tasty but almost a bit too creamy for me. Felt ridiculously full afterwards, and yeah, I'll be eating zero point soup for dinner, and it was a lot of points to blow in one go (think it came to about 22 with my rough guesstimating of points), but I can't quite bring myself to regret it as it was a really nice chance to catch up with my dad and cheer him up as he's been so down recently. In any case, I've got some bonus points stacked up this week to use, and I'm quite tempted to shuffle off to the gym for half an hour in a bit as I'm feeling rather lazy today (weird - I like being lazy!).

Given how well the day seems to have gone, I thought maybe I was having a bit of a lucky day, so decided to have a little flutter on the Cheltenham Gold Cup - my whole office has got a bit caught up in it this week given that we can see the racecourse from our office and we've had to put up with the traffic chaos (hence the early starts to avoid it) and the constant stream of helicopters buzzing our office all week. Weeellllll - the luck had to run out somewhere .... changed my bets from Cauto Star and Neptune Collanges to Madison du Berlais and Neptune Collanges at the last minute - of course Cauto Star then went on to win and Neptune Collanges just got beaten into 4th. Hey ho - you win some, you lose some, and I'm not going to argue with the one's I've won today!

Thursday, 12 March 2009

Fat Face maybe, but not such a fat bottom anymore

There's a pair of trousers in my wardrobe - grey cords that I bought from Fat Face sometime last year. God only knows why I bought them, as they were blatantly too tight to wear at the time. I can only think that my ego was so chuffed that I could even do the damn things up that it was completely oblivious to the fact that the effect was rather like a pillow tied round with a piece of string, as the waist-band was way too tight.

So there they've languished at the back of the wardrobe since that day - occasionally pulled out, tried on, and put back with a statement of intent that one day I would get into them. Except that I'm wearing them as I type, and the muffin-top is no longer there (well, so nearly no longer there as to not count). A piece of incontrovertable proof that progress is being made. Either that or the wardrobe pixies have been going in and stretching them when I wasn't looking.

They're not an absolutely perfect fit .... yet. But they're close enough that I'd no longer need to wear a loose top to hide how tight the waistband is, and I figure that I'd best start wearing them now, so I get some wear out of them before they get too big.

Ooooh - look at my positivity!!! Beautiful - I shall try and hang on to this feeling.

Decisions, decisions

Feeling good today - I've got lovely healthy food with me at work, and I've just been anxiously counting down the minutes until lunch so that I could get on the internet at work and read my next installment of Dietgirl's blog. I wish I could tell her how fantastic her blog is, but I guess she gets so many similar comments these days she already knows that.

Anyhoo, I've been debating the question of cycling clothes today. I've had my eye on some really nice mtb shorts and a jacket for ages, but now I'm in a quandary and not sure what to do. As I am now biking fairly regularly, I'd really like some decent clothes to do it - I currently use my gym trousers (cropped, loose fit ones), but they don't really cut it when the weathers miserable and wet. Similarly, the waterproof I used this week is ok - it's just one of those pack-a-mac ones but it's a bit baggy and not really ventilated. Being the size I am (for now - only for now!!) it's a bit of a challenge trying to find decent biking clothes to fit. I've found some on a US website called Harlot which are lovely, but also pretty pricey by the time you include the shipping costs. Soooo .... do I go ahead and buy the ones I wanted, shorts and waterproof / windproof jacket and risk them being to big soon (in a couple of months??? Oh my God - how nice would that be??), or do I just pick up a pair of shorts in the sale section and make do with the rest of my kit for the time being? Decisions, decisions!!!

I wish all these sodding bruises on my legs would die down - I really want to go swimming or to aquafit this week, but look more like an abused housewife at the moment!!! Grrrrrrrr. Spin last night was excellent though - got really into and found the energy to push myself harder - felt really good!!! Although I have to question why I always see the one hot guy who's in the gym when I'm dripping buckets of sweat after my class, not before when the day's make-up is still vaguely in tact - tsk - life is mean! lol

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Is there such a thing as being too honest?

I've been thinking about this on and off during the day. Which is bad as I really should have been doing some work!!! I really must transfer some of my WW's enthusiasm over to my work-life. Anyway, I digress.

I've been mulling over how honest one should be in a blog, especially one that's visible to other people. I mean the whole point of keeping this diary is so that I can note down things I learn about myself as I go along, which would really point to being 100% honest, but what if the truth is so ugly it's embarrassing. Looking back at my post last night and my ridiculous feelings of resentment at my flatmate taking up WW's I cringe - I could well come out of this exercise not liking myself very much if I'm not careful! It's strange, it's kind of cathartic putting it all down on paper (well on theoretical cyber-paper ... you know what I mean) - all those things that are bottled up in your head and you can't or won't say to those around you. At the same time I worry that the few people who read this, and who have been so wonderfully sympathetic up til now, will start to get fed up with the real me - the neuroses, the trivial anxieties, the self-centred-world-revolves-around-me-ness of it all - and will deservedly tell me to get a life and stop rambling.

I just started reading the Dietgirl blog earlier - I've started from the beginning, as although I know what the outcome is (a staggering 12.5st loss for anyone who's not come across Dietgirl), I really want to read her journey from the beginning. It's heartbreaking reading her opening entry; she writes with such brutal honesty and so descriptively, that you can imagine yourself there in the WW's meeting on the first night looking at the scales in terror, thinking they're not going to be able to weigh you because you're too heavy for them. It brings back every moment when the same feelings of fear and humiliation have bubbled up in me - going climbing with friends in France and being terrified that they wouldn't have a harness big enough, and the well-meaning but unsubtle lady at the costumes department at the theatre - following my enquiry as to whether they might have any Marilyn Monroe style dresses in the wardrobe she just looked me up and down and said "Not in your size, my love". It's hard to keep your head held high in those moments, when the blush is burning your cheeks and you just want to hide in the corner.

I think the real reason that Dietgirl makes such an impact is it is warts and all. You see, I don't want to read a story of someone's effortless journey to goal, or be told how easy it is and how perfect they are - I want someone to put the blunt truth out there and force me to look at it and accept it - that it's not going to be easy, that there will be hard times, despair, disillusionment and upset along the way, but that ultimately it is achievable because other people have done it. Other people, not so very different from myself. I want to see how they coped, and read that I'm not the only one having these experiences. I want to celebrate their successes with them so I'll know what I've got to look forward to, and to learn their coping mechanisms for when the going's not so good. Most of all - when I'm feeling isolated because I don't think anyone else in the world can ever have gone through what I'm going through - it's nice to remind myself that I'm not alone.


Oh, and for anyone wondering - although I nearly turned round and went back to the car about 50 times before we even started, I did get to the cliff face and the harness did fit (that's me in the grey and red top) ....

.... and whilst they didn't have a Marilyn Monroe dress, I made a substitute with something I already had. The occasion was for a Children's TV themed party - I went as Miss Piggy ...

Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Oh sod it ....

.... I'm doing this for me, and nobody else. If I make it about other people then I'm going to fail. So best of luck to my flatmate and her boyfriend - if they do well, good on them. It's not a race, it's not a competition, it's a life change and I'm not flaming well messing it up now!

So there!


Oh deary me

I've decided to go back to basics this week. I've got a quiet week socially, so it's a good chance to have a week when I stick to the points day by day, eat sensibly and work on laying the new ground rules for eating more healthily in the future.

The first lesson has been portion control - I'm the first person to admit that my eyes are far bigger than my stomach and I've forgotten what a normal meal on a plate should look like. For example, I've been really looking at my dinners as I cook and thinking how filling everything will be as I cook and therefore how much of everything do I really want. Last night was pretty educational. Firstly, I was looking at the scampi I was measuring out - the instructions on the portion said half the pack (it was a little one) - I measured it on the scales to be sure I was splitting it equally, but caught myself thinking "maybe just another one". I didn't though. Then, as I was thinking I was pretty hungry, I debated added a sweet potato to the potato I was chopping for oven-baked wedges. Why??? I realised as soon as I'd cut the potato up that there was more than enough there for one, and put the sweet potato back. Then measuring out the frozen peas and sweetcorn I was thinking "well, doesn't look like much, and this is veg so better to fill up on this". I put them away at that point.

My concept of what will fill me up seems to have got completely warped - I think that for the rest of the week I shall try and concentrate on keeping portions small, and I can go back for something else if I'm genuinely still hungry - going to be the only way to break myself out of it.

I was very good and went to the gym this evening after work, despite feeling less than enthusiastic on the way home in the car. So to gain some enthusiasm, I put my motivations list to good use. I mentally went over all the reasons I want to succeed at this, and how well I've done already, and by the time I got onto the drive, I knew that it was worth going and found the enthusiasm to go. I feel good for that, although I have come to the conclusion that I need to book an appointment to see the resident physio at the gym. The twinges in my leg are still there, and were pretty painful while I was doing abs work after my cardio - I guess you tense more muscles than you know when you're doing floor work. Annoying, as I don't want it to get in the way of my exercising.

Finally, I'm trying very hard to work out my feelings, now that my flatmate has joined WW's too. I didn't really want her to as I'm feeling selfish about my losses - maybe I just don't want to share the glory, and I certainly don't want it to turn into some sort of competition. So I suppose I view it as both a good and bad thing that her boyfriend has decided to do it with her, albeit without actually joining himself. On the upside, this probably means that any competitiveness on her part will be directed towards him, as will her need to discuss it. The downside (brace yourself - this sounds terrible) - the two of them together are far more likely to stick to it and do well (ugh - ugly sentiment that one). Why can't I just wish them well? I think it's because they've only decided to do it "because you've done so well". I think I feel a little patronised (i.e. well it must be easy then) and that they're jumping on the bandwagon now they've seen it will work. I have to find a positive side to this .... I'm trying, really I am ....

Monday, 9 March 2009

The good, the bad and the ugly

The good first - I was really pleased to see that the scales had climbed down 3 lbs at this morning's weigh in, showing me 15st 5lbs. I've been waiting to see that for a couple of weeks now as that finally gives me my second shiny silver 7 star - although in fact it's pink on my WW's tracker! Whatever colour it is - I'm very pleased to see it there - that's one little mountain conquered and out the way.

The bad - now that I'm starting to see a difference in my size because all my clothes are sitting better, I'm back to shopaholic mode - damnit!!! My earlier sentiment of not wanting to buy too much because (hopefully) I won't be wearing it for too long, has now been replaced with the glee of trying things on and having them fit. I went to Oxford on Saturday to meet one of my ex-uni housemates and I ended up lightening my purse by about £120 - oooops!!! Now I've had time to come home and think about it, I'm going to take two of the tops back I think and get £70 of that back. On the upside, I was delighted to try a load of tops on in Freespirit that were all 16's and they all fitted. I know that it's mostly because they were all stretchy ones, but the point is that they all looked pretty good. I'm not really a 16 yet, but it's such a nice indication of what's to come. I settled on just purchasing one - a really cute red t-shirt from Animal - I figure that with it being a 16 I should get quite a bit of wear out of it as I lose weight. Also picked up a plain-ish white top from Next for work (an 18 that one, but it's for wearing straight away, and I tend to find their sizing a bit unforgiving on me). There was also a lovely light chiffon like top in grey with flamingo's printed all over and a tie-belt - it was really pretty and girly, but I figure £28 for a top I might not wear for that long is a bit pricey, so I'll take that one back and a jumper from Fat Face that I had second thoughts about when I got home. Going to have to remind myself that I need to be thinking short-term for the moment!

And finally the ugly - I have to laugh at this one really!! I met up with my new fitness buddy Ed yesterday for the first time to go mountain-biking (and no - I'm not saying he's ugly - that would just be rude!!! Stop jumping to conclusions you lot!). It looked nice enough when he picked me up at 10am - nice blue skies - but as we drove towards the Forest of Dean the weather started to look distinctly wet. Luckily, I'd packed a waterproof as a last minute thought, but I was wondering if we were actually going to set out in this torrential downpour ... and apparently the answer was yes! We were pretty much soaked in about 10 mins, but we bravely ventured out on to the singletrack course to give it a bash.

Now for those of you not sure what singletrack is, it's basically a set trail for mountain bikers - usually full of technical obstacles - steep, tricky inclines and descents, switchback corners, narrow stone or log "bridges" you have to ride over and natural obstacles like tree-roots criss-crossing the path. I've never done singletrack before, although it's something I've wanted to have a bash at since starting biking again last year. Luckily, I bought my current bike with this in mind, and it's up to the job .... the question is was I? The course at the Forest of Dean is graded as red (same system they use for ski pistes), which means whilst it isn't long (only just over 3 miles), it's designed with intermediate / experienced riders in mind.

And my god, it was fun!!! I thought my heart was going to give out on some of the climbs, and my legs on some of the descents - but there's a hell of a buzz in charging headlong down ridiculously steep slopes or navigating a series of drops and conquering the climbs. We finished splattered head to toe in mud, and decided that since this was my first time, rather than risk doing the whole thing again and making a mistake because I was tired, we'd cool down on some of the open trails in forest. Cue the ugly bit - as I was tearing down the last descent on the way home, I looked up to see a fallen tree blocking the trail. I hadn't looked up in time to see how Ed got round it, so I just slammed on the brakes and tried to skirt it - still pretty much going at full speed at this point. I nearly made it .... soooo close!!! Sadly, I managed to slip and plant my front wheel straight in the ditch at the side of the trail ... and sailed straight over the handlebars with the bike following me in a perfect somersault - beautiful!!! Consequently, I face-planted on the muddy trail with the bike on top - thank god it's not heavy.

I got off pretty lightly really - it didn't really hurt too much other than the indignity of being dumped in the mud at speed. Of course when I got back and went to change (having just sluiced off my legs and feet with the same jet-spray I'd used on the bike - wasn't going to make a lot of difference to how wet I was by then!) I discovered that I scraped a really nice set of patches off my elbow where I'd landed and now have a spectacular lump on it. Additionally, I've got another bruised lump on my hand, and a whole set of big bright blue bruises (oooh - look at that alliteration!) with angry red scrapes all over the fronts and sides of my legs - d'oh!! Still - amazingly for how bad it looks - it's still not that sore - only my elbows really a bit tender, but I'm going to have to get a new helmet after shattering the visor off mine. On the upside I wasn't the only one to fall - Ed went over on the singletrack so I didn't feel too embarrassed about it.

One hell of a bike ride, but actually I feel like I achieved something - I've been a bit scared to tackle singletrack because I kept worrying that there'd be loads of super-fit guys tearing round it yelling at me to get out of the way, but I really enjoyed, and now I know I can do it! I now also have that critical first fall out of the way and it hasn't put me off at all - yay!!

In other news, I went to a house-party on Friday night - and I could have hugged my flatmate when she saw me just as I was going out and exclaimed "oooh - you look so slim!!!". Quite an ego-boost!! And actually I just saw a photo taken during the evening, and it's not so bad.

I also feel a little selfish and guilty - my flatmate has just told me that, as I'm doing so well on WW's, she's thinking of giving it a go, and I half don't want her too - how awful is that? I think it's two things really - firstly, I feel like this is my sucess story for once and I don't want to share it - bad Sue!!! Stop that!!! Secondly, she can be very competitive and I don't want this to turn into a competition or a race. Oh well, if she does join up, I shall just have to make sure I'm supportive but maybe keep my progress to myself and hope that I can squash my own competitive feelings - sometimes I wish I could just grow up and act like an adult!!!!

And, one last thing, to end on a positive note - I just realised in the car on the way home, that in theory, if I can keep losing roughly 7lbs a month, I could be at or close to goal by the time I go away windsurfing in November. I cannot tell you how inspiring a thought that is for me!!!!

Sorry this turned into a bit of an epic!!

Friday, 6 March 2009

Lazy days

Mmmm - having a lovely day off today, and I can't quite decide what to do with myself. I know that it should involve some low points and exercise as I was a little bit naughtly last night at the quiz and a plate from the buffet that I didn't really have the points for. It's funny - I think that's probably the first time I've really slid back into old habits since I started the WW's - just took one unconsciously without really thinking about whether I was actually hungry or wondering about how many points it would cost - I must knock that habit on the head as it's pretty self-destructive when you think about it. Note to self - please stop acting like a sheep and following the herd to the buffet table!!!

I've got a couple of hours before I'm due at the hairdressers this afternoon, and I need to take some shoes back to the shop and see if the smaller size will fit, so I think I'll get my bike out and cycle down there as it's only a couple of miles. I might have to walk back up the rather large hill on the way back though! That way I can fit in some exercise and feel like I'm being good for the environment - and it's more interesting than just going to the gym on my own!

I was reading a thread on the forums yesterday where some people were discussing why then tend to unconsciously sabotage their own diet efforts. One lady's post caught my eye because she said that she thought she was afraid to get thin again because people treated her differently the last time she lost a lot of weight. It's got me thinking, wondering if people will treat me differently as I lose more weight. I wonder if my friends will treat me any differently (I hope not as I like my relationships with my friends the way they are and would hate to see anything get in the way of that), and then I wonder if strangers will treat me differently.

I have always assumed that if people's reactions to me do change it would be in a good way, but now I wonder - this lady had clearly had some kind of bad experience. It's not good is it, that we seem to be so hung up on appearance that we really do take into account a person's looks in the way we treat them. Am I suddenly expecting that people who have never noticed me before will do so? Do I even really want them to? Do we half think that if we get slimmer we really will emerge like a butterfly from a chrysalis - that it will magically make us pretty and more attractive like some character in a fairytale? And if it doesn't how do we deal with the disappointment of that? I for one have not a clue how my face will look when I lose weight - I can't imagine it as very different - maybe just a slightly more defined jaw - so really what reason would anyone have to see me as someone different? I wish sometimes that we could look into the future and see how things will be, and know if they will really make us any happier. Looking back at my list of motivations, I can see that appearance really doesn't rate that highly on the list of benefits I thought of, and yet I have to admit it is something that occupies me - can losing weight really make you happier? Or does it just make life easier? Or does it really make no difference at all (apart from the obvious health benefits)?

Arrrggghhh - too introspective!!! Time to go out and enjoy the sunshine I think!

Thursday, 5 March 2009

Aaaaah - much better

Much better day today - possibly because my SP at the scales this morning said I had already lost 2lbs this week. I won't hold my breath, but it's nice to see anyway.

I tripped up slightly at the pub last night as someone had bought along a big bag of toffees from a trip to Sweden - no matter how many times I said to myself "that's the last one", some how another one sneaked in. Still - I don't think I ate too many (10 ish? May be not even that), and I walked back from the pub which is about 20 mins and then conscientiously tried to point them up.

I'm kicking off the weekend's round of social stuff tonight with a quiz night with work - should be ok as I've got 14 points left after dinner, and although I'm eating dinner at a friend's house first, I'm driving so can avoid the dreaded wine tonight. It's amazing how much more in control I feel after just a couple of weeks on WW's - a couple of weeks ago I swear I would have been panicking at the thought of so many social situations and mentally going over the points - I think I've fallen into new habits quite quickly though so don't need to think so much about it anymore.

After mentioning my award at work yesterday, I got confirmation of it through this morning - and £310 worth of vouchers to spend!!! Unfortunately, I had two items in mind that I really wanted to get with the vouchers - a new pair of UGG boots (since I passed my 8lb loss marker on my 09 Fit and Healthy Challenge, I'm now allowed to buy them!) and a gorgeous handbag I saw in M & S that was over a £100 - and of all the places you can spend the vouchers - I can't get either - gutted!!! Might just hang on to them for a while - there's loads of really nice shops like Whistles on the list, as well as staples like Topshop, so maybe I'll reward myself when I lose a bit more weight!

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

A funny old day

I think I'm having a kind of upside-down day. It started off with everything possible going wrong - I overslept, found that TOTM had crept up on me when I wasn't looking and I'd run out of painkillers, my hip was still aching from the weekend (god knows what I've done to it - suspect it's related to the whole back thing), couldn't find my watch, got stuck behind the slowest car in the world crawling along an empty road at 10mph (cue dodgy overtaking manouver and much swearing) and then managed to leave my ipod on the dashboard of my car once I got to work so had to run back out to the carpark and get it - normally not a problem, but having arrived late I was in one of the further carparks. I didn't even have the consolation of my usual mini pack of Buttons to cheer me up as the kitchen cupboards seem to have magically emptied themselves.

And then out of nowhere, my boss confided to me that I'd been nominated for some award at work. I find this incredibly odd as I would have told you that I was absolutely rubbish at my job - I've been there more than 6 months now, and most of the time I haven't a clue what's going on when someone asks me a question. There's a massive redundancy situation being sorted at the moment and as one of the youngest and least experienced on my team I've got quite a high chance of it being me - can't say I'd be massively disappointed if it is, as the internal politics drive me nuts and I can't say I'm overly happy there (although the people are lovely (mostly) and the perks are great) - so being nominated for some award is something of a surprise to say the least!

On a food front, it's been a fairly good day - I've eaten loads, but I must have made some pretty good choices as I've still got 11.5 points for tea - not that I've got much food in to eat! I've been to the gym for a spinning class, so have rescued a few more of the points I inadvertantly used on Monday. I'm hoping for quite a good week this week, as although I'm going to be out and about a lot, it's all in environments where I can control what I'm eating /drinking, so I'm wondering if that, combined with the fact that clearly I was coming up on TOTM on Monday on my WI, means that I might actually have quite a good loss on Monday. We'll see I suppose - usually when I expect the good loss I get a STS, and when I'm expecting the worst I get a surprise!

Hope you're all having a good week so far.

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Yay - new belt required!

I am very happy to report that I had to buy a new belt for my jeans last night - the old one was on the tightest hole and starting to get a bit loose - not an ideal situation when you can already take the jeans off without undoing them!! So I went an bought a replacement - I am officially now a L in Next rather than an XL - happy days!!

Also bought some lovely new work trousers which were rather flattering (although will require sky-scraper heels to get them off the ground!) and a lovely bright cherry-red belted trench coat - it makes me smile just looking at it because it's such a cheerful colour!

Bumped into a friend whilst I was out shopping and we ended up having dinner together at hers - went to M & S to get some food for dinner, and like all my other friends, she asked "What can you have that's ok for your points". I told her not to worry too much, and get what she wanted, but she was adamant that we'd get "good" stuff - I swear if I ever tried to give up on WW's my friend's wouldn't let me!!! Which is probably a good thing :o)

Had a lovely compliment this morning when I decided to treat myself to a small hot chocolate from the coffee shop on site - the girls behind the counter are always very friendly, and since I haven't been in for a few weeks (since starting WW's in fact, and realising how many points my daily hot chocolates were taking up - even with skimmed milk), they asked if I'd been away on holiday, because I looked like I was "glowing with health" - I think I'll attribute that to WW's if nobody else has any objections!

Be glad to have today finished with - it's the busiest day of the month for me at work, which is irritating as it means I will most likely miss my regular Tuesday night trip to the gym and then girls night with my friend Bridget - shall have to make doubly sure that I try and get to the gym another night - maybe Thursday, as I've been enjoying the sessions.

Will be meeting up with my new fitness buddy Ed for a bike ride on Sunday - bit nervous as we've never met before, although he seems very sane, and also that he might be light years fitter than me and I'll be embarrassingly far behind!! Oh well - I've tried to warn him, so we'll just have to see - might have to raise my game a bit!

Monday, 2 March 2009


That one tiny little half a pound on the scales (or even off the scales!) this morning has cheered me right up - I can eat all the nice stuff and still lose weight. Ok - so I've still got a ridiculously long way to go, but that is so encouraging!

I also have to say that I love my best friend, Jo, dearly. When we met up for our walk yesterday, she just looked at me and said "ooooh - you look so slim!". Liar - but the sentiment's good and makes me feel like it's working on the outside too!

I've decided to shake things up a bit this week. Rather than getting into a routine of eating the same old things all the time, which I think would be bad for both my sanity and my diet, I'm going to move things around between meals a bit and see what happens. So rather than my normal cereal with skimmed milk for breakfast, I had beans on toast - which was actually really filling and kept me going right through to lunch time. Normally, I'd have been starving by about half 10 and reaching for the cereal bars in the desk. Just had lovely stir-fry leftovers from last night lunch - slightly higher points than I would normally have for lunch, so I'll have a light tea this evening for a change.

The only thing that has made me slightly grumpy this morning is that I caved in last night, after my nice healthy tea, and had a slice of home-made pizza round at the boys. Why??? Such a silly thing to do. Ok, so it smelt amazing, but it's not like I haven't had it before, and afterwards I just thought "I so didn't need that". Very annoyed for my lack of self-control. I shall remember that feeling for the next time I'm tempted to do something similarly daft!

Sunday, 1 March 2009


OK - I've bit the bullet - please don't laugh at the following, but I figured since I'm blogging everything else on here, I might as well track my measurements on here as well!

So, as at today this is where I am:

Hips - 48"
Waist - I have a weird figure as my waist is really high and then my hips really flare out so two waist measurements - Upper Waist (at the narrowest bit) - 40.5", Lower Waist (at belly button) - 46.5"
Chest - 46"
Upper Arm - 13"
Upper Leg - 27.5"

Let's see if I can improve on some of these! I don't know how often I should remeasure - weekly seems too often so I'll either have another look in 2 or 4 weeks time. Kind of wish I'd started this at the beginning so I'd know what progress I'd already made!

Eeeek - the moment of truth tomorrow!

Tomorrow's WI has taken on a new significance for me after this week - I'm thinking now that if I can register even a tiny loss tomorrow after the amount of amazing food this week, then my faith in WW's will be well and truly confirmed! Can't help thinking that I have no right to lose weight after the luxuries of the week, even though they were all pointed as best I could and I'm within my limit.

Tried to help it along a bit today, by going out for a walk with a friend - our stroll took us through the country lanes and footpaths near her parents place a couple of miles from where I live - neither of us thought we could face clambering around on the hills, so we opted for something a bit gentler and flatter. Beautiful walk though - lovely and sunny and the scenery was pretty - saw horses, llamas, some very cute piglets, lots of fancy chickens and a pea-hen whilst we were out and about! Who'd have thought all that was so close to home? We stopped at a nearby fruit farm with a lovely farm shop and treated ourselves to an ice-cream before starting the return trip ... which probably undid all the good work of the walk, but hell, it was nice so who cares!

Whilst chatting to my friend (whose actually doing my fit and healthy for '09 challenge with me), we decided that it would be a good idea for us both to get the tape measure out and make a record for ourselves of where we are now. Hopefully, that'll give us something else to celebrate when the lb's aren't always shifting. Supposed I'd better bite the bullet and do it!

Going to go and eat some nice healthy stir-fry now before crossing all available fingers and toes for a good WI result tomorrow!