Friday, 31 July 2009
Thursday, 30 July 2009
My eating was pretty on par yesterday, so I've pulled back some of my cock-up from Monday night. Honestly, my eating wasn't quite as good today, but not altogether bad, and with the judicious application of a truly ferocious Body Combat class this evening, I've banked another little bit against the points overspend.
In fact it turns out that I had a lot of pent-up aggression to vent in tonight's class, and it felt goooooooood. I've had a crappy, stressful day at work, but it went hand-in-hand with a bit of self-discovery, so not an entirely wasted day. We had a working lunch buffet today, because my boss is heading off on maternity leave tomorrow (and yes, I was good - one plate from the buffet, including a healthy sandwich, and then leave it alone), and since there were loads of goodies left, the platters got bought through to the office during the afternoon.
With all the stressiness going on, I found myself pinching another cocktail sausage from the platter as I wandered past without really thinking about it. Then I found myself sitting at my desk thinking well, if I'm just going past anyway on the way to get a drink, what do I fancy? Then I found myself wondering why I wanted food when I wasn't hungry and had been pretty well-behaved at lunch - why cock it up now? I've realised that I am in fact a stress-eater. The anticipation of food felt like it would numb the stress - which of course it wouldn't, well not permanently, it would just distract me temporarily with feelings of instant gratification (shortly to be followed by feelings of remorse I should imagine).
The good thing with making a realisation like that is that every subsequent time you walk past the platter, you're more determined not to give in. I just had a lot of shitty stressiness to get rid of at Combat instead, but I reckon that just means I burned a few extra calories off.
I've also spent that last couple of days with some words floating round my head in a loop:
FASTER FITTER LIGHTER STRONGER
They just seem to totally sum up where I want to be at the end of this. I find as I go along this journey, that some of my focus seems to more and more end up on the physical abilities side of things. This is ever clearer to me when I do things like mountain-biking with the boys, or think about the snow-boarding I'll do come the winter, and I want to be able to keep up and push myself like they do, and to be more agile and sure of my movements. I find the more little break-throughs I make with my fitness, the more I want to make.
I'm especially fascinated by blogs and videos of extreme sports on the internet. I look at the bike stunts and the wind-surfing tricks and I want to be able to do that kind of thing should I choose to. Last night I stumbled across Summer Gravity Camp, and I want to go and do it more than you could believe. It's an intense week of downhill mountain-biking that takes place at Whistler in Canada every year - coaching provided by some of the best bikers in the world for people of all standards from novice to expert - all you need is the biking bug and the balls to get out there and try it. Most of the weeks are aimed at kids and young people, but the last week of every season is an adults-only camp, and the more I read about it, the more I wanted to go - getting to goal would be a major step along the way to realising little dreams like that.
And one final thing I shall leave you with - a little trite perhaps but it works for me. While I was thinking about the whole stress-eating thing in the car on the way home, it struck me that that little saying about work, applies just as much to eating - so here's my thought for the day:
Eat to live, NOT live to eat.
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Tonight's entertainment is due to consist of putting washing in the machine, most likely straight from my rucksack as I have done absolutely zero unpacking as yet, and being dragged out the door on a 5k run with Sid. I think this is my penance for last night.
I've not been running regularly the last couple of weeks, and I have a sneaking suspicion that that will make tonight's run alarmingly hard work. Sid maintains that it's a "nice" 5k route - I don't trust him. And to be fair I don't think there is actually such a thing as a "nice" 5k - so I'll just settle for death not being the outcome. I think it might be a close run thing though. (Ok - here's where my twisted imagination runs riot - in my head I've now got an image of me, Sid, and a cartoon style Death in all his very tall, black-robed, boney glory running along together.)
Not so much else I have to say today - I'm kind of feeling bloated and gross from everything I've eaten over the last week at the moment, although I don't know how much of it is psychological vs physical, so can't wait to get a few days proper clean eating and exercising under my belt so I can start to feel normal again.
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
I emailed Sid this afternoon to ask if he'd like to come round for dinner this evening, since I haven't seen him since before I went away. The reply came back saying that he was meeting a friend for dinner at the pub and I should join them. I checked my points, thought what the hell, I've got enough for that, and after a quick and very leafy sprint round the supermarket (lots and lots of lovely veggies gracing the inside of my fridge now!), I joined them up there.
Now, let me be clear on this point - I thought this all through, down to the potential food choices before I even got to the pub. I was either going to have the soup of the day or pasta with a tomato sauce - both well within my points.
The boys wanted a starter and main, so with that in mind, I did a slight re-jig and opted for the pasta, but garlic prawns instead as the soup of the day was tomato as well. Garlic prawns thought I - how bad can it be - a small dish with some prawns, garlic, onion and probably a bit of butter. A couple of points at worst
Fuck me, but they were literally swimming in a cream sauce when they arrived. With bread on the side. Ok, fine, I can deal with that - they tasted good and I left some of the sauce. Besides, I thought smugly, I've got a healthy main.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but when I order something that is listed as a "delicious tomato and basil sauce on fresh tagliatelle", I expect there to actually be a tomato sauce. As in - a tomato base, with visible herbs, and possibly some other chunky veg thrown in.
Fucking cream sauce, with random chunks of raw tomato stirred in. I'm not kidding - there was no tomato in the sauce base whatsoever - it was cream and possibly white wine. And the tomato chunks were pretty much just about warmed through, but that was it - definitely, in no way, shape or form cooked. And basil? Not that I could see.
I was gutted - I was so looking forward to my plate of lovely tangy sauce, and I was faced with a bowl of cream with some pasta swimming in it. Worse still, I don't even like raw tomato. Adore it when it's cooked; not so much when it's raw.
Sid took pity on my distressed expression and swapped dinners with me, but since he had pasta with chicken and bacon (also in a, you guessed it, cream sauce), it wasn't any better points-wise, just tastier from my point of view. And all with more freaking bread on the side.
I am sooooooo unamused.
So my points are screwed for today - I reckon I'm about 10 over for the day. I didn't eat all the cream sauce with the prawns, and to be honest, I only ate just over half the pasta as it was just too rich, but I've estimated the points on the cautious side.
Restaurants should be far more careful with their descriptions - a "tomato and basil sauce" is not the same as a "creamy sauce with fresh tomato" which is what the menu should have said.
I'm not the happiest bunny right now. :o(
Well, it could have been worse I suppose. A bit depressing, but hey, holiday happens but once a .... well, 4 or 5 times a year.
I'm pointing again properly today, and in a weird way I'm looking forward to a quiet evening at home. No alcohol. Just as much food as I need and no more. No drinking games to tempt me. No staying up ridiculously late.
On the other hand, no friends, as they're pretty much all still in Scotlandio without me. Sob.
I want to do a gym workout this evening, but I'm also in desperate need of doing a food shop and running errands, so I might have to go for a ride or run later in the evening or something similar, as I'm going to run out of time otherwise.
The one awesome thing about last week was how active I was. Most days we were out - I went out on my bike 3 times, including an epic mountain bike ride with the boys, Andy and Tim, on Sunday. We tackled the Fire Tower Trail near Lochgilphead, and although 6 of us started out - 4 girls (my friends Hannah, Nia and Bridget) and 2 guys, the other 3 girls caved fairly quickly and headed back to the car. From an entirely selfish point view this was actually quite a relief as it meant we could really pick up the pace, stop waiting half-way up hills (and a quarter of the way up, and three-quarters of the way up ...) and really pelt down the downhill sections.
Far more technical than anything I'd done before (i.e. a damn-site steeper .... new trousers were required after a couple of sections ;o)) and challenging, and with just the three of us, I became tail-end Charlie, meaning I had to work my socks off to keep up with the boys. I freakin' loved it. It was the first time I've actually done downhill that was demanding enough that I had to drop my saddle down in order to hang off the back of the bike, and also my first go at a water-splash (it was only 20cm's deep, but we've all got to start somewhere!).
We did a 2 and a half hour walk across country on another afternoon, which was glorious, scrambling up and down hills, and hopping across bogs and streams. It's funny how much more challenging and interesting it is when you're walking on moorland that is a footpath-free zone - wading through waist-high bracken and having to pick your feet up extra high in the heather - you can practically feel the toning effect on your bum!
We rowed out to some of the islands in the loch in the old boat - it's about half an hour's solid rowing each way with a 8 or 9 foot oar - having to keep time with the other rowers and concentrating hard, but worth it when you moor up on a desserted heather-strewn island to eat your picnic and explore the ruined churches and bothies.
We spent a day down at the beach, shrimping in the shallows (i.e. running up and down with a net in front of you in the hope of catching something), dodging the monster red jellyfish (the bastards are a foot or so across) and then I tried my hand at a bit of windsurfing on Graeme's rig. Somewhat challenging as he uses a smaller board than I'm used to and a bigger sail, but I got up and going in the end. Minor problem when I came to tack and turn back though as I was wobbling all over the place and then promptly fell in and flipped the board upside down. You've never seen anyone get the board the right way up again and back up on it so quickly as me, when I looked down in the clear waters and realised there were about half a dozen big jellyfish floating in a ring around my feet!!!! Major fright! I did eventually manage to get back to shore without any stings, but I did fall off again and smack my head on the board on the way down, which is still a bit sore. Still, if it weren't for the jellyfish, it would have been a fun session of windsurfing.
I think I had one quiet day when I stayed at the cottage and crashed out, but I still pulled my running gear on in the afternoon and went out for a half hour jog up to the end of the lane and back.
So really, it was just the food that did me in. My meal time choices were generally fine, it was all the eating between meals that really did me in. That and the fact that I used the excuse of all the exercise as a get-out for snacking on returning to the cottage in the afternoons.
One thing that did make me feel really happy - one of the guys up there, Andy, was ridiculously fit - he climbs, mountain bikes (100 miles in a day!), walks, plays football, and it shows. So how chuffed did I feel when for some reason someone asked him what he weighed, and he said 14 st something - I know he's a guy, so it's a bit different, but it felt uber-good for me to weigh less than someone that fit and healthy for once.
And another good thing - I saw a picture that my friend Bec took of me in my wetsuit down at the beach - and it didn't look hideous. Good lord, I hear you say!
So there we go - holiday over, reparations began this morning, and hopefully I'll see the scales drop away again this week. For one thing, my metabolisms going to be a bit like Wil E Coyote running over the cliff this week - after all that food last week it's going to be scrabbling around wondering what the hell happened!
3 weeks tomorrow til I head to Croatia, and I'd like to have made a little bit more progress before I go!
Monday, 27 July 2009
The plan just didn't really happen in the end. Well, the food side of it didn't anyway. I've been pretty active this week - I've rowed, walked, run, biked, fished and windsurfed, but I've also eaten like a big, fat piggie. It could have been worse I suppose - at least I made small changes like consciously picking slimline G & T instead of wine, but there has been sooooo much food, and no food diarying at all - it just went out the window.
It's been a whirlwind week of fun, and now it's back to the grind of ordinary life. In a way, I'm quite relieved to be pointing normally again as of tomorrow morning - I'll take the damage on the chin and get it straightened out, then see if I can lose a bit more before I ship out to Croatia in a couple of weeks.
On the upside - I've got a great tan now lol. And the usual collection of bumps and bruises!
Saturday, 18 July 2009
See that tracker over on the left? See what it says? Just over 40lbs gone, and less than 30lbs to go!!! I am literally 1lb off losing 3 stone, and once I'm there then it's less than 2 stone to go, and to me saying oh, I've only got 1 stone something left to lose sounds soooooooo much better :o)
As you may have guessed, I managed to lose again this week. Despite my foody ups and downs and a small sprinkling of chaos thrown in I lost another 1.5lb on my short week from Monday to Saturday. I wanted to have lost 3 stone before I went to Scotland but I'm happy that this is totally close enough!
The next week's going to be a bit different to usual what with being on holiday and away from the computer but I'm going to try and make it an ok one anyway. I've got to start my packing in a sec, and then I'll be gone, gone, gone for about 10 days. Wish me luck! I'm going to miss my daily session of chit-chat and catching up on what you're all up to while I'm gone. Don't let me down - be good little troopers while I'm gone - I want to come back to read all about your fabulous losses and achievements!
Better go start the dreaded packing I guess - I've been putting it off for long enough! lol
Friday, 17 July 2009
I had a late lunch with Dad and then went to the early evening showing of Harry Potter. Since I hadn't had a dinner per se, I allowed myself a mid-size portion of pick'n'mix. Bastard stuff has just made me feel really ill - think that's put me off having it again. :o(
Food's been a bit up and down this week, but I'm still just about good for the moment. The scales have relented and climbed back down, so with any luck I'm on for a small loss at my early weigh in tomorrow - fingers crossed, and more importantly, just keep on with the good behaviour.
I sweated my little socks off last night at Body Combat - literally - I could have rung them out when I got home - gross!!! I had tasty salmon and couscous with veg for tea, and although I've had a toasted teacake this morning and Dad's cooking me lunch, I prob won't have dinner this evening since I'm going to the cinema, so that's fine.
I'm feeling fairly mellow this morning - I've got lots of running around to do in the next 48 hours, which means no exercise, and chaotic eating, but I'm sure I'll survive. Got one or two things left to finish at work before I'm ready to go, but think I'm more or less ready. Which probably means something with catastrophically wrong in the next 5 mins, but c'est la vie!
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Let's face it - as far as sports are concerned the firmer the containment the happier I am. If the ancient Chinese habit of breast-binding was still around I would probably happily advocate it for the gym!
I last got measured about 3 months ago, and was disgusted to be told that my chest size had gone up from a 38 to a 40. Now in all fairness, I hadn't previously been measured in a very, very long time so given the weight I'd put on over the years this wasn't unreasonable. Since then, I've noticed that lots of my bras are fitting better, and my sports bra isn't offering nearly as much support as it used to. The ladies have been running a little too free for my liking the last couple of weeks - I hadn't really noticed until I started Body Combat 3 weeks ago, but there's nothing like spending an hour each week punching, kicking and jumping around in front of mirror to bring the point home!
So - to maintain a status of non-hypocrisy I tootled along to M & S last night. Since I knew I'd changed size, but not really what to go for I asked the lady if she could measure me quickly. Her verdict? Chest size - about a 42. Cup-size - around an E cup!!!! I looked at her in total disbelief, and I think she caught that as she hastily said that it wasn't always right and what was I wearing as I stood there. A 38d, which quite clearly fitted perfectly. The sports bra that was too big was a 40c.
What, I ask you, is the point of a measuring system that is so wildly inaccurate??? Had I not been so flabbergasted, I'd have let her go and get that size so I could have had a really good giggle about ridiculous it would look.
Anyhoo - I've now got something in the right size, and I took it out for a run last night to try it out. Whilst the bra might have been ok, my legs felt like bloody lead - which I think is the effect of not running at all regularly over the last month. At least I still made it round my c. 20 min loop, but I felt bloody slow doing it.
After this morning's eat-everything-in-sight moment, I think my appetite has just about calmed back down to its normal level. However, I'm still fighting to not over-ride my appetite this afternoon. I'm always like this when I'm even vaguely bored, and there's food in my vicinity - doesn't matter that I can clearly answer the question about whether or not I'm still hungry (no) I still sit there eyeing up what's available. It doesn't help that I'm pissed off and frustrated today. Lots of stuff going on at work, and I put on a brand new skirt this morning that I've been waiting a couple of weeks to wear until it fit properly - did it and the zip promptly spontaneously combusted beyond repair, so I had to physically rip it apart to get the damn thing back off again.
At the moment I just can't wait to get safely to the end of tomorrow and finish for a week.
Wednesday, 15 July 2009
Due to the way the online points tracker works and a complete cock-up on my behalf, I've just realised that I completely miscalculated how many points I had left for dinner. So I've just got back from a spontaneous pub dinner, and smugly filled in the tracker, only to be told that I'm now 4 points over for the week.
Note to self - pay more attention in future!!!
So far this week, I'm trying to balance the sugar / eat crap urge with fruit, so I'm still in my points. Just about. I'm determined to keep my eating normal right up til I leave. New, healthy, normal that is.
But I'm thinking a change of strategy for next week might be in order. I wasn't going to point at all next week, just live a little and trust myself to make good choices. But Norway proves that I'm not terribly good at that yet, and I really don't want to come back with a humongous gain to deal with. I can't track properly while I'm away, as I'm an online WW's subscriber, and there is zero internet access in ol' Scotlandio, but I'm thinking that I could take a nice little notebook with me and at least food diary for the length of my trip. At least I'll have to be honest about my decisions then.
I need a plan, folks, as that's how I function best.
I'm intending on taking my own cereal and milk with me, so that breakfasts are sorted, as well as a selection of fruit and calorie-controlled snacks, and sugar-free squash. Lunchtimes we tend to forage for ourselves, so I'm sure I can keep that healthy, but dinners are a lost cause as we cook and eat together, so it's majority rule on what we get. On the upside, there's only so many things that you can make for 11 people in a pretty basic kitchen, so most evenings it's something like cottage pie, or pasta and sauce, or chilli - pretty basic home-cooked food. I reckon that if I apply my new portion-control eyes to my main serving, and then dose up on the usually plentiful veg that will help.
Alcohol-wise, it's going to be avoid the wine, and stick to the vodka and slim-line tonic. And much as I love Pimms, I'll need to limit that too.
So I'll take my Sue Survives Scotland provisions box with me. And, I know this sounds stupid, but I think I'm going to print this post out and clip it to the inside of suitcase, so I see it every morning. It might help remind me if I start to slip.
Scales-wise this week isn't going great so far - I've somehow gone back up 2lbs as at this morning, but I won't let it upset me - the scales are going back in the cupboard til Saturday now. I've got too much else to focus on this week. I've got shit-loads of washing, organising and packing to do, and literally zero money as I don't get paid til Monday (shit, fuck, bollocks - why is pay-day always such bad timing????). I've got Bridget coming over tonight for a catch-up, and I'm having lunch with my Dad on Friday. I've got pilates tonight and Body Combat tomorrow. I've got a pile of work you wouldn't believe that I have to deal with in the office, and severe decluttering that I have to do before Friday as they're moving my desk while I'm away. What I don't have is enough hours in the day.
I took these again on Monday - a half-inch here or there off hips, arms and legs since June, but yet again, no movement on my waist. Seriously - when is that going to start to move again! Egg on legs is not a good look! The buddha belly must go!! Anyhoo, I'll put them up here when i get round to it.
I think that's most of my whinging done for today. It's just taken me half an hour to nibble my way through a Mr Kipling Bakewell Tart - there are yet more cakes in the office and it seemed like the least evil option. I'm debating whether I've got the time or money to order myself another hoodie from the internet and have it arrive in time for Scotland. And some luggage too. I hate being broke and disorganised. It sucks. I suck. Meh.
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
Still, I made it to spin, sweated out about 2l of water, and then went home and collapsed. Not literally, just in as much as I had a complete energy melt-down.
I couldn't decide whether I wanted to eat, or still felt off, and if I wanted hot or cold, or sweet or savoury, so in the end I stopped over-analysing and just finished off the soup - figured I could use the vegetables.
So after a horrible day's eating yesterday, I'm back on track and feeling a bit more human. Luckily, yesterday's bad decisions were just about covered by my daily points plus exercise, but it left me feeling so gross, that I'm grateful to be planning and eating fresh food and fruit today.
For my next trick - I'm going to talk underwear. Why is it, that when you get smaller you think about buying smaller sizes in everything except your undies?? They are totally the one section of my wardrobe, that I have thus far paid no attention to, accept to intermittently acknowledge that my bras are fitting more comfortably.
I think it's because everything in there is stretch fabrics and close-fitting, so it takes a much longer time for it to become obvious that things are getting to big. However, I spent a large chunk of Sunday trying to figure out why my clothes were doing odd things and my knickers were continually shifting to undesirable destinations, and finally sussed that the problem was simple - they've got too big. Or I've got too small. Whatever. Take it from me - close (oh alright - snug) fitting skinny jeans and knickers that are too big do not a good combination make.
So that's another pile of expense that I'm looking at. And extra upsetting because pretty much all of my underwear is in nicely matched sets (sorry if this all too much information but I'm feeling the need to unburden myself of my latest gripe), and I clearly can't afford to go buying all new sets of matching undies every time stuff gets too big. Not that I actually ever manage to co-ordinate myself into wearing said matching articles at the same time, but it's nice to no I could if I wanted too. Kind of like socks. Suppose I should be grateful that they're not getting too big too.
Monday, 13 July 2009
Last night I did it with soup. I got back in at about 5pm from Bristol, with my sum total of food for the day being 2 sausages in a roll that I'd had off the BBQ for breakfast at about 11am (errr - yes, I realise this sounds weird, but it was our hosts creative thinking for dealing with 16 hungover guests at breakfasts). I was so hungry that rather than cook anything when I got in, I grabbed a biggish bowl of soup out of the saucepan in the fridge, and had it with 2 slices of toast - no butter, and a 30g serving of Doritos. Since I'd already got my little WW's pannacotta out of the freezer to defrost for dessert, I scarfed that down too.
It doesn't sound particularly excessive, but on my empty stomach, it felt like I'd sat and steadily munched through a 5 course dinner. It was just too much. The soup, and maybe the toast, would have been plenty.
But I've just done it again. Since I wasn't feeling so fab today (TOTM has struck again - although on the upside that makes me even prouder of my 1lb loss this morning), I had a skinny muffin from Starbucks mid-morning to perk me up while I waited for the painkillers to do their thang.
Then an hour and a half later, I had lunch - a salmon sandwich, a pack of Walkers Squares, and a WW yogurt. And I kid you not, I feel like someones stuck a knife in under my ribs. It blinking hurts.
Am I delusional? I look at that list, and don't think it sounds particularly unreasonable. But I feel like I've binged for Britain right now. Admittedly, mid-morning muffins aren't the norm for me, although I usually have calorie-controlled snack bar and some fruit throughout the morning.
So has my appetite gone bonkers, or have I completely lost my sense of scale on what I'm eating and thinking is normal? Help!
I've had a most excellent weekend, and now I'm knackered. But I'm proud of the choices I made, and I managed to lose a lb this week, so all is good.
After Friday's model choices, I was up early on Sat (7am - far, far too early for a weekend) to drive the boys down to Bristol, pick up Hannah and then head over to join the birthday party at Ascot. A slight error in dress code, based on my judgement of the weather first thing in the morning, meant that I was feeling pretty underdressed compared to the rest of the party who had rocked up in little cocktail dresses and heels, but I got the last laugh when the rain caught up to us, and we had a loooong walk to the restaurant in the evening, when my long flat boots trumped everyone else's heels lol.
We had a fabulous day. There were 40 of us in our party, so we claimed a whole little section of the grandstand for ourselves, which was mostly sheltered from the rain, and from there it was easy to make our forays out to the bookies, and we had a great view of the whole finishing straight.
I am very pleased to report that I did not eat an Ascot burger in any way, shape or form. Success!! In actual fact, we'd stopped at the supermarket on the way out of Bristol in the morning, and I bought a Weightwatchers chicken wrap and some fresh mango, and I had that for my lunch whilst everyone else chomped their way through their picnics or the burgers. I also showed restraint in the presence of big bags of sweets in the car on the way there and back, and I limited my alcohol intake to a moderate level - enough to enjoy without feeling deprived, not enough to kill off my common sense.
I'm telling you - if you looked up self-restraint in the dictionary this morning - there'd just be a picture of me in place of the definition.
To add to an already lovely day, I had a really good day gambling-wise, and won on 5 of the 7 races, meaning I walked away with my modest £20 stake in tact (I worked out what I could afford at the beginning of the day, and that was what I gave myself to play with - mostly it was £2 or £5 bets though - last of the big spenders, huh?), plus an extra £30 in my pocket, which rather conveniently paid for the post-races dinner! How nice is that?!
I was also really proud of myself at dinner. Apart from the drink that someone bought for me without asking (but it was a vodka and slimline tonic - how well do my friends know me?), I stuck to water with the meal. We had massive platters to share for starters, so I just took one of each little thing and stopped at that (which was about 5 mini tid-bits I think), and of course I had already pre-booked my healthy main, but I also kept to plain rice.
And the birthday cake? One piece, which I shared with my two neighbours at the table. Incidentally, it was freakin' amazing! Chocolate, with raspberry filling and blueberry icing - heaven!
So, I stumbled home yesterday, just a few points over for the whole week, but not having counted all the walking from Sat, as I couldn't even begin to work it out. I got home absolutely starving, and then promptly committed the cardinal sin of eating too much as a result. Once I'd digested a bit, I thought I'd go for a run to feel a bit better, and then remembered I'd put all my kit in the washing machine. Rather than admit defeat, I used it as a reason to finally take my newly fixed bike out for a spin, and I'm glad I did - it blew away the cobwebs and was just what I needed. I did just over 5.5 miles in 40 mins, and my loop took in both commons in town (they're at opposite ends of town), so I got to go off-road down across one, and enjoyed the slow climb back up across the other.
As it was late evening, I virtually had them to myself and as it was so quite all the rabbits were out on the second one. As I slowly climbed, I ended up almost herding the rabbits with me up the hill as they all just slowly hopped along for a bit in front of me, had a little nibble and then hopped a bit further - I had a bow-wave of bunnies!
I also picked up a cat at the bottom of the hill, who seemed to want a fuss, and weaved in and out around me for about half the length of the common - I felt like I was walking a dog, except for her being small, black and feline!
All in all, a lovely way to finish the weekend! Well, except for losing a lb - that was a good way to finish the weekend.
Going to be having an early weigh in on Sat this weekend before I head off to Scotland for holiday, so let's see if I can improve it just a tiny bit more!
Saturday, 11 July 2009
Dinner last night was good. I picked a duck stir-fry in teriyaki sauce, and there was no dessert (partly because they forgot to come and ask us, but I had a plan anyway - just didn't need to implement it). I did have a small glass and a half of good red wine, but I still finished yesterday under my daily points (just).
Even so the scales are back up again this morning to 13st 10. Grrrrrrr - this is why I should look at the damn things.
Och well - it's a new day - I've had a decent breakfast and now I've just got to get through today.
Friday, 10 July 2009
One thing I didn't manage though was to find time to call ahead for the menu, so I'm just praying there's something on there that'll be safe. And I'm not even looking at the dessert menu - that's a disaster just waiting to happen!
I'm feeling a bit sore today after the second Body Combat session last night. I really enjoyed it at the time, but my whole back feels pretty tight today. Although luckily it's in an mmmmm, I really went for it last night, feel the BURN, baby!! kind of way, rather than a oh shit, there goes my back again, I might as well be 80 kind of way. Progress is being made.
I've spent this afternoon running round to my dad's house to spend a bit of time with him, and then scampering into town for a spot of belated present shopping for tomorrow's birthday girl. Which is more than the boys did - Sue to the rescue again. I also picked up a top to wear to the races tomorrow, given that my wardrobe is looking sorely depleted at the moment. I still find it so strange picking up 16's and actually having them fit. I also caught myself earlier as I filled in my weight on an online questionnaire, when I automatically went to 15 stone-something on the drop down list, even though I'm now 13 st 9. Weird. Brain - catch up, won't you!!
And then at 8am tomorrow we're heading off down South for the weekend. Why does it have to be bloody 8 o'clock in the morning?????? I get few enough lie-ins as it is!! Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Hey ho - only a week til holidays now - I'll make it.
Right - going to get changed now - laters.
Thursday, 9 July 2009
I ate well yesterday, if in large quantities - but I've still got some points saved for the week.
I had a mid-week weigh in this morning, just to comfort myself that nothing insane was going on with the scales - half a lb down from Monday.
Oh, and my friend's mum barely recognised me at Combat - apparently because I've lost lots of weight. *Grin*
It really helps me to be able to put a name to what I've been feeling - Phantom Fat, because I'm the sort of person that hates uncertainty, and likes to deal in cold, hard fact. Information and knowledge are my weapons of choice, and naming my enemy means I can go learn about him and do something constructive.
It's also really good to know that I'm not alone in these feelings. I knew that straight away from the comments I received, but reading KK's follow up post, containing her own thoughts and feelings on the article, bought that home. It was further illustrated when I wandered off to Google "phantom fat" and ended up on an eating disorders blog and saw that this is something that affects people of all weights, shapes and sizes. In fact, as far as I can make out, it's body dysmorphia by another name - that beasts that drives so many people to anorexia and bulimia and other obsessive compulsive problems.
But the good thing is, that knowing what we face and understanding it is half the battle to triumphing over it. There are loads of exercises and routines you can use to help reset your perception of yourself to your current body size - keeping your fat pants so you can prove to yourself how far you've come, comparing before and after photos - both things that force your mind to accept the truth of change. And for those who struggle even after that - I now know that there is counselling and help available, should I ever need it. I don't want to be like one of the ladies in the article - not able to fully appreciate what I've managed to achieve.
So, with just over 30lbs left to get to goal, I reckon I've got time to adjust. As I sit here this morning, munching on my fresh pineapple, I know that the biggest challenge for me personally will be to have realistic expectations of what I can achieve through weight loss and exercise, so that I can finally reach a point where I'm happy, and know when to stop at a sustainable and healthy weight.
What's your biggest challenge going to be?
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
I find it hard not to get paranoid that nothing's happening, or worse, that something is happening and it's a gain. I don't know where this paranoia comes from - whether it's still a sense of disbelief that Weight Watchers not only works, but that I'm managing to stick to it, or if it's a lack of confidence in my own continuing abilities to keep going like this - but I wish it would fade and go away.
I'm not going to let my sense of unease put me off though. I've been good so far this week, and although there's a few challenges coming up over the weekend, I see no reason why I can't see this week out successfully.
I'm now going out for dinner on Friday night - think I shall ring the restaurant either tonight or tomorrow and get the menu so I can mull my choices over and do a bit of planning. It's hard to point their food as everything is homecooked, and generally quite luxurious, but on the upside everything's homecooked (lol) from good, fresh ingredients, lots of veg (and tasty veg, not anaemic, floppy things resembling carrots), and if you ask nicely they're willing to be flexible over stuff. I'm also thinking walk to and from the restaurant (20 mins each way) and stay off the booze - there's going to be enough of that over the rest of the weekend!
I'm then heading down to Ascot overnight on Saturday. We're going to the horse races during the day (DANGER!!!! The legendary Ascot burgers ahoy - VERY bad idea - need to steer clear of that!) whoop - can't wait, that's going to be so much fun! And then in the evening we're going straight out for dinner. Luckily, I've been let off the hook a bit here as the restaurant for the evening is Asian cuisine, and we've been asked to pre-order - I've asked for a sizzling prawn dish with ginger and lime, which should be pretty healthy. As long as I stick to a small portion of plain rice, avoid the prawn crackers, and maybe get some thin soup to fill me up, I should be ok.
Oh, and STAY AWAY FROM THE WINE. AND THE PIMMS.
Okaaaaay - there's my plan. I feel a bit calmer knowing what I'm doing.
Minor problem - I've left without my gym kit. D'oh!!!
Back to the drawing board - mirror, mirror on the wall, which class shall I do tonight instead???
Note to self - next time - more haste, less speed, and a tad more organisation.
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
Another thing nobody warns you about when you start losing large amounts of weight ..... that you're bloody feet might shrink too!
There you are, merrily tootling along, thinking well, I might not be able to spend much on clothes that won't last, but at least the shoes are safe!
Are they heck!
I put a pair on last night, and nearly broke my neck when I took a step and nearly left the shoe behind. I looked puzzled for a moment, put my foot back in and had a good wiggle around. Then I took out another pair. Same deal. Took out a pair of boots that have notoriously been too narrow for me - strangely comfortable.
And you're not telling me that my feet shrank last night after 45 mins being hot and sweaty in bike shoes.
I have a rather extensive and very nice (read - expensive) shoe collection - if I have to R.I.P it, there's going to be some serious grumpyness issues.
Just saying like.
Even when I started losing it, I still thought there would be a points along the way where I would suddenly find myself feeling thinner and that that would make me a different person. Hell, I even worried that it wouldn't necessarily be a better person.
Now I'm over half way there, and I realise that I'm going to be exactly the same person when I get to goal. I'll still have the same insecurities. I'll be smaller, no doubt about that, but still far from perfect. In some ways I'll just have replaced one set of imperfections with another. Admittedly, they'll probably be better, healthier imperfections, but I'm going to have to work like hell on each of them individually.
I thought getting smaller would automatically make me a more attractive person. Maybe. But probably not to the extent I'm thinking it will. It looks like my prolonged single status may not be all to blame on my fat.
I thought losing weight would automatically leave me with a great body. Not so much. Saggy bits will still be saggy. Skin imperfections will still be there. Some bits might be toned up with work, but other bits are likely to stay exactly the way they are now.
I thought getting to goal would make me self-confident. 100% love-myself-confident. Going to have to work on that one I think. I do feel a bit better about myself sometimes, but it doesn't take much to remind yourself how much better you could still be.
Not that any of these realisations are any reason why I shouldn't lose weight. More a step along the road to being realistic, and adjusting. I've been hiding behind my fat one way or another for far too long, and now I've got to face the fact, that being the person I want to be is far more than just fighting the flab. If I want the career, the opportunities and life experiences I crave, then I'm damn well going to have to work for them. They're not going to get handed to me on a platter because I'm thin. As for getting the man I want - not really something you can work on so guess I'd better get used to it and stop whinging lol.
I don't think there's an explicit enough warning for would-be dieters -
Warning - dieting might cause you to have face unpalatable truths about your life.
Monday, 6 July 2009
Forgive me, my dear beloved body, for I have sinned mightily against you this weekend. And I'm sorry. I truly am. Especially when you so kindly rewarded me with a loss this morning! I mean seriously - dude, you're too nice to me! I promise to be better to you this week.
So, I wasn't the greatest this weekend. It started out as a very minor transgression on Friday evening, and pretty much got progressively worse as the weekend progressed.
Friday night, I went to dinner and then the cinema with Jo. Dinner was all planned out in advance - job done, and I didn't have dessert as we were just too damn full, but I did have a small portion of pic'n'mix at the cinema. And I don't even know how to point that, so I put it down as 4. And I finished the day about 1 point over.
Saturday, I was incredibly lazy. I slept til 11am and eventually dragged my lazy ass into town to go shopping. I bought a motivational tool for the summer - the dreaded bikini. My currently lardy arse is nowhere near ready to be inflicted on the general populace as yet, and sadly I'm not convinced it will be by the time we head to Croatia at the end of next month, but maybe for Egypt in November ... who knows! I also bought a going out top from Warehouse (Warehouse!! I actually fitted into a fitted top from Warehouse!!! Will wonders never cease??), and some Bio-oil.
I keep hearing about this stuff as it's meant to be amazing at helping old scars and stretch-marks fade, preventing new ones, and also seriously rehydrating skin and maintaining elasticity. Without getting too much into the nitty gritty, I'm very conscious that being an Apple body type, a lot of my excess weight is carried around my stomach. I obviously want to get rid of this as I head to goal, not least because of the health pitfalls of excess fat carried around the internal organs, but I'm also really conscious that I don't want loose skin left behind. So the Bio-oil is to help boost the skins ability to recover as I lose weight - it might not work, but at least I'll have beautifully moisturised skin!
Anyway, I digress - back to the confessional. On Saturday night, I got domestic. It was red pepper and parsnip soup this time. Messily executed and nearly messed up several times, but a really delicious result. Then after a bowl of that, I had my dinner - scampi and sweet potato wedges. Then I went to watch a film next door with the boys. And then, at midnight, I joined them for dessert. Treacle tart and double cream. I shared one of thos little individual tarts with Sid. And I didn't have enough points. So probably about 3-4 points over for the day. Stupid.
Which brings me to yesterday. Oh dear. Yesterday I went to Wembley with Jo to see Take That. As it's a 3 hour drive in each direction, this entailed much eating out. First there was a pub lunch - roast beef. Not a massive plate, and all freshly cooked and not too greasy at all, but roast potatos and Yorkishire puddings don't taste that good without at least a little oil involved. Then we stopped at the service station just outside London, and had cake (or Sunday lunch dessert as we like to call it) from Starbucks. Then there was the concert, and much avoidance of fast food (yay), until we left, traipsed about half an hour back to the car, got ourselves out of London, and realised we were starving, so stopped at the same services on the way back and succumbed to McDonalds. It could have been worse - I deliberately just had the burger and no chips. It could also have been infinitely better.
Here's the alternative menu I could have had - I thought about this last night, and thought damn my feeble choices. Salmon insteead of roast beef for lunch. Which wouldn't have had Yorkshire pudding, and probably no roast potatoes either. Probably about 8 points instead of about 12. A skinny muffin instead of carrot cake - 5 points instead of 9. And if I had to have McDonalds - chicken nuggets instead of a Chicken Legend - 4.5 points instead of 9. Instant saving of about 12 points. Foolish, foolish child. Learn from this!!!
So what positive points from this week? Here's the highlights:
- I tried two new classes and enjoyed them both, and I'm looking forward, like properly looking forward, to doing them again this week.
- I managed to pack the scales away for a few days. Being honest - by yesterday morning I was so paranoid because of my bad eating that I got them out to check, and they'd actually gone down. So I think I should trust my body a bit more, and the scales a bit less, and I'm going to try and keep them put away a bit more this week.
- I'm out of my 10 day rut - I lost 1.5lbs this week - I'm happy with that.
- I tried a new recipe for a healthy soup, and it was really, really nice. Next time I might even make less mess making it!
I'm back eating sensibly again today. I woke up this morning, absolutely raging starving, which is something I hate about the day after eating really shittily. That's subsided now though, and in fact I'm still feeling super, super full from my lunch. It might have been healthy, but I think there was just tooooooo much of it, and I felt really uncomfortable for about an hour afterwards. Still, it should keep me going happily til after spin tonight. I've swapped classes again, so this will probably be a super-quick class tonight full of races, sprints and penalities for the losers - eeeeeeek!
Saturday, 4 July 2009
So - why have I made this move to stop stepping on the scales every morning? I'm getting obsessed with them. Not in a the scales didn't say what I wanted this morning and it's ruined my whole day kind of way, just in a getting a bit stressed when the don't move kind of way, which ends up making me start second-guessing all my food and exercise habits. I over-analyse, and then I complicate things. I tweak something here. I tweak something there. And then I get annoyed when the scales still don't move the way I want them to. I'm just making the whole thing way to complicated.
It's simple. If I average sensible eating over a period of time, and consistently throw some exercise in to the mix - then eventually my body will respond. Inches will disappear, pounds will melt away, choirs of angels will sing and all will be right with the world.
However, it ain't going to be quick, it won't conform to whatever timetable I've got in my head, and it probably won't come off the bits I specifically want it to first, because that's how life works. Patience, my young paduin learner. I need to learn some patience. And standing on the scales every morning, focussing intently on some fluctuating number, is not going to help that. At all.
Friday, 3 July 2009
I resolutely put the scales away in the cupboard this morning, so I don't know which way they went this morning. For the moment I'm going to try and avoid them til Monday's weigh in, basically just because I've been having a bit of a think about stuff, and my attitude to this whole thing, and think I need to have a bit of a re-adjust. I'm still thinking it all out, so more on that when I've got it straight in my head.
I've not got too much on this weekend. I'm meeting Jo in a couple of hours time for dinner and the cinema - I'm pretty sure we're going to Ask, so I've taken the liberty of sitting down with the menu this morning and working out what I'm going to eat, so I don't have to think about it and make bad decisions when I get there.
I have no fixed plans for tomorrow at the moment, beyond trying to remember to get my bike fixed, and then Sunday I'm off to Wembley Stadium to see Take That with Jo - yaaaay - cheesey, girly, good times ahead! :o)
Thursday, 2 July 2009
I loved it. Scratch that - I super loved it. It was still hard, but only in that phew - I'm really on fire here kind of way. When I wasn't concentrating intensely to make sure that I didn't kick when everyone else punched, I caught myself grinning.
The instructor's a gem - really enthusiastic, and able to get the class whooping along and giving it 100%. Definitely one for next week, even though I was uber-sweaty after about 15 mins. Soooooo glad that I chose to wear both my sports bra and my support top though - there is a lot of bouncing around in that class, and I'm glad to say I wasn't - well not in ways I should be anyway.
Right - I'm off t'pub now. Catch ya later.
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
Here's what has just happened. There's a lady called Jay who works in my office. She's very much on the larger side, and personality-wise she's quite loud and mouthy - although I've never heard her say anything nasty about people and she's always been perfectly nice to me. However, every so often I hear other people in my office muttering snide comments about her - about how she's always first in the buffet queue and other mean stuff. I hate that, and I stay out of it. She doesn't really help herself as she does eat a lot of the wrong stuff, and makes lots of jokes about food, like asking our Stateside boss where the jellybeans are when he visits, but still, that's no reason to victimise her.
Jay's chair just broke. Snapped clean in half from what I can work out (I sit at the other end of the office). And you know what most people in our office did. Laugh behind their hands. Walked up to my end of the office under the pretense of something work related and sniggered by my desk. I hate that attitude. It's so damn mean, and hurtful. If that was me, I'd be so damn mortified I'd want to cry, and seeing other people being not so subtle would hurt like hell.
Why is fat funny? And not in a nice way. And why do people think we're not sensitive about it, just because we hide our feelings and put a brave face on an incident like that. Why is it ok to joke and point and pick on us? It makes me trust the people I work with a little bit less. They might compliment me on my losses, but is this what they do behind my back?
Unsurprisingly, the only other person who didn't find it funny was Fran, who has her own weight problems and agreed with me. I sometimes think everyone should have to be fat for a bit so they'd understand and be a bit more tolerant. It's not ok to pick on pretty much any other group of people, so why's it ok to pick on us?
How much does that suck?
The heat's also meaning I'm struggling a bit to motivate myself to do my normal exercise, as all I really want to do is lie on my bed near the open window and absorb whatever breeze is flowing past. I'm hopefully going to go and try this pilates tonight, but I'm feeling really sluggish, and it's certainly too damn hot to run outside.
The heat's also switching me off from wanting to eat too much hot food. With that in mind I've got lots of fresh fruit and veg lying round at the moment, and I've bought some turkey mince and thought I might try making some burgers with it tonight for a summery dinner when Bridget comes over later. It'll be an experiment so we'll see how that goes. I've also been gifted a home-grown lettuce by my friends, Bec and Graeme, when I went round to see their new house last night. They've just bought their first house and it's already got a vegetable patch planted in the garden, so in a kind of reverse-housewarming gift, Bec insisted I take one of their lettuces home with me, slugs and all. Oh well - might be quite nice with the burgers tonight - minus the slugs and mud of course!
I so hope these scales start moving in the right direction again soon, I've been doing so well and I don't want to give up now. I guess I'm also just feeling a bit down at the moment, as my friend Claire got back from holiday yesterday flashing a brand new engagement ring. Her boyfriend (well, fiance now!) proposed to her on the beach in Portugal, and while I so happy for her, it just brings home to me how lonely I feel sometimes.
Blah. I hate wallowing.