Gain

Well, it's about time I poked my head above the parapet and 'fess up. This week I gained. Last week, those of you who are eagle-eyed will have spotted, I didn't post a weigh-in, because ... I gained.

Two weeks in a row. Hmmmm - not acceptable. I've been eating rubbish, on and off, which I did admit to, but obviously more with the on than the off, and it has, somewhat inevitably, bitten me in the ass. And latched on.

Not a massive gain, but enough to ring alarm bells and put me just back over that 12st 6lbs, I worked so hard to get under. 3.5lbs in 2 or 3 weeks. Not good. Not acceptable.

And not bloody staying there!

I blame the last little bit on dinner out last night - Mexican food and some pretty potent cocktails. Not big and not clever. Or actually too big and not clever.

So ... here's the plan of action. This weekend Bridget is down to play. I won't fall guilty to my usual trick of waaaaaay over-catering. I can be Good Hostess without needing to do that. We could go out to dinner tonight, but frankly why waste the calories and money? I'll cook us something tasty to eat at the flat. Then we're going out tonight - limiting the cocktails is key. I like vodka and mixers, so there's no need to go bat-shit crazy on cocktails. One or two should be fine. I must not fall into the trap of doing "holiday" breakfasts and lunches tomorrow - it's a waste. And I'm prepared for tomorrow night's pizza and film-fest. I've got thin-crust pizzas, not too big and with lots of veggies. I'm mini-pittas, crudites and low-fat humus. I've got lots of fresh fruit, and some chocolate for fondue, but also low-fat frozen yoghurt (but Ben and Jerry's of course!) for an evening of guilt-free lazing. And I might see if I can make a class, or get a run in on Sunday - some form of exercise.

As for next week - the crap is now gone from the house. I don't have any plans to eat out. My new PT has given me something to do at the gym. And after proclaiming I'd go for a run the other night ... I did. At half 8 on a Tuesday night, I wrapped up against the -5 temps and wound my way around the puddles of ice for 5 and a bit k. And it was a lovely run (does that mean I can officially call myself a runner?). So, a few more of those to come too.

Let's see if I can finish kicking my ass back into gear, and finally get to grips with this new ProPoints program. I've been letting events and eating badly act as an excuse, but really I've just being a grumpy child about not really getting on with the new program. But if I want to get to goal then I'm going to have suck it up and commit myself to it. Might as well start here and now.

Make

Prompt: Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

The last thing I made? Actually, it was my friend's Xmas present. I wanted to do something a bit more personal, and she luuuurves her photos, so I've been putting together a photo collage online and I'm having it professionally printed online.

I love that this present will be made of our memories from our summer spent travelling in Costa Rica. It will feature her best memories as well as, I hope, capturing the spirit of what we saw in that beautiful, amazing country.

It's nice to do this, as I've been meaning to do something similar for my own flat, and my own memories. I've missed being even a little bit creative in recent times. Even the little projects I have dabbled with have been fun, so let this be an opening to doing more of the same.

I admire creative types - always have, since my dad is an artist. I've always said I don't have the skills to do it, but maybe that doesn't matter if it's fun?

A little less perfection-seeking and a little more enjoyment in what I can do, perhaps?

- Posted from my iPhone

Things

Good thing:  I had my first free appointment with my new personal trainer at the gym yesterday lunchtime.  He smiles like butter wouldn’t melt, but none-the-less left me in bits today.  Muscles hurting.

Bad thing:  I ate flawlessly all day, then got sidetracked into the opening the second bag of Belgian chocolates bought home from my weekend in Brussels – the ones that were meant for friends.  Blech.

Good thing:  I didn’t finish the whole bag – I acknowledged that I was starting to feel sick and stopped ahead of time.

Bad thing:  I’m clearly not quite over the have-food-in-the-house-must-eat-it food hangover thing yet.

Good thing:  I thought it was too cold to go for a run earlier.  Now I have the motivation I need to get my ass out the house.  5k run will help negate the chocolates.  Serves me right.

Bad thing:  I didn’t track properly over my weekend away, and you can bet your bottom dollar that I was over my points.

Good thing:  I didn’t eat as much as I could have done, due to an absolutely killer, nausea-inducing, am-I-going-to-pass-out-or-throw-up style hangover that caught up with me midday on Saturday.

Bad thing:  I’m obviously still drinking too much.

Good thing:  I’m refocused on getting back into the whole exercise thing, and still have a refreshed outlook on eating well (just need to get rid of the very last bits of the rubbish food hanging round the house).

Bad thing:  I’m eating out on Thursday night, and than have Bridget staying from Friday to Sunday – recipe for derailment.

Good thing:  I’ve already started planning the menu for the weekend to avoid that.

******************************

Good thing:  I’m off to freeze my butt off out there in the cold, cold night air and run now.

Let Go

Prompt: Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I read this and I had a shameful and confused thought as my first response.

My very first thought was that I let go of my mother. Three and a bit years after losing her, I finally opened the box full of the snarled up feelings I had surrounding her death and took a peek under the lid. And then I went and visited her grave for the very first time since we interred her ashes.

But that's not right. Because in no way have I let go of my mother. I still have all my memories and always will, I just faced something and accepted it a little more (her being physically gone from my life).

That thought process lead me to what I have truly let go of this year, or at the very least started to let go of - the wall around myself and my need for utter control of how people view me.

At some point in early summer, I hit a low; I was in such a miserable place that I finally recognised I could do with some outside help.

Through reading so many blogs online, I had read about many examples of people turning to professional counsellors to address their problems, and it occurred to me to look and see if this was something that could help me too.

And so the Other Sue came into my life. An absolute professional, through and through, with a knack for making me turn my issues over and look at them from the flip-side.

Going to see someone was a huge step for me. I never admit that there's a problem. And if I do, I certainly don't ask for help. I maintained my outward projection of absolute strength and perfection at all times - an impregnable wall where I could reach out to help my friends, be their confidante and their shoulder to lean on, but they could never really get to me.

Seeing a professional, a kind but ultimately objective stranger, was what I needed. This was someone who wouldn't judge me, someone who I could trust to look at my snarly mess of emotions, and help me pull it apart with an impartial outlook.

Those 6 weeks with the Other Sue - just 6 hours in fact (ignoring the amount of time she let me ramble on for over the session end times) saw me looking at my life and my prejudices - mostly against myself - from a completely new perspective.

I let someone in, and she helped me see that I was overly critical of myself practically all the time, and that I'm better than I give myself credit for - that I can in fact afford to let other people in too. And god dammit - I'm missing out by not letting them in.

I left those sessions lighter in my soul - just in time to take myself away travelling, a more unburdened person.

It's fair to say that there were many things we discussed in those sessions that I wasn't able to deal with, in any practical way, straight away.

One of those was being able to admit to someone, a guy, that I actually like them. That takes confidence in your own worth. I wasn't there yet.

Another thing was addressing my insane shopping habit - a hangover from the days when nothing felt good - I didn't feel good - and the only way I thought I could boost my self-worth was being seen in the nicest clothes, with the newest stuff, in all the right places.

And then there was the fact that I kept the whole counselling itself a secret from everybody (apart from you guys obviously!).

But I did take everything she said to heart. And slowly, slowly it's finding it's way into my day-to-day life. When my friend Hannah was at a very low ebb, something I recognised from myself, I thought it was time to let her in on my secret and I told her about my counselling experiences. The possibility that the knowledge could help her was more important than my own need not to be judged. And unsurprisingly she didn't judge at all. In fact, she was fascinated.

In recent weeks I've also started to address my spending habits. I've made myself a mountain of debt, and as I've mentioned briefly before, I am now ready to acknowledge that I can't go on the way I have been, that only I can help myself, that it is no quick fix, but also that I am different now - I have moved on - and solving this myself will feel damn good.

And the other example? The guys? Well, maybe there'll be nothing exciting to tell you, but maybe, just maybe, there will. At any rate, I'm trying a new approach, and whilst I might not tell you everything here, suffice it to say that I'm moving forward one little step forward at a time - I may have actually told a guy I'm interested. It's a little complicated, but I'm content to sit back and see if anything comes of it. And if not? I dare say it won't kill me. And that's a lesson for me in itself.

And that lesson?

Let go. Live a little.

- Posted from my iPhone

Wonder

Prompt: Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

I pondered this one for a couple of minutes before writing what I'm about to say. The prompts from the previous days have elicited spontaneous responses from me, but this one's a little different.

I think that's because the honest answer isn't the easy one. How did I cultivate wonder this year?

I "did".

By which I mean I got off my ass, my lazy, dreaming, "if only" ass, and I did the stuff I wanted to do. I grasped opportunities as they were handed to me. I said "yes" where sometimes, even many times, I'd have said "no" in the past.

The wonder of this year, looking back, is how much I have accomplished and experienced. For much of that I had to put myself outside of my normal comfort zone. I had to make a few sacrifices.

And in doing that, I found something amazing. I found that my comfort zone was far bigger than I had previously realised. It appears it has elastic boundaries, when I had always thought they were rigid. And some of those sacrifices turned out to be no sacrifice at all.

So what I have learned is this. You can live your life comfortably, but it will most likely be a little dull. Maybe a little chunk of wonder will sometimes fall into your lap by coincidence; love, birth, success. But if you push yourself, and maybe start to follow just a few of those small dreams and "if only's" ... there's a whole world of discovery and wonder waiting just around the corner.

Maybe you should try it ...

- Posted from my iPhone

One Word

For something I little bit different, I've decided to get involved with this: Reverb10.

The idea is to reflect on how 2010 went, and look ahead to how 2011 will be - how you want to be, and making it that way.

Mmmmm - reflecting - something I luuuurve to do - and hopefully in a way that will be helpful and positive to me. Each day, Reverb10 will post a prompt on what that day's reflection should be and you blog it, tweet it, talk about it - whatever floats your boat. I'm a little late to the party - it started yesterday - but better late than never - here comes Day 1:

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?(Author: Gwen Bell)

I read this and the very first thought that popped into my head was "amazing". Isn't that awesome? And interesting that that's what my subconscious chucks at me. If I'd stopped to consider it, I know I'd have thought of all the stops, and lows and frustrations that there have been along the way, and I'd have downgraded it to something less that amazing, but actually consider what I've achieved this year:

• I went skiing and I loved it. I went back to something that scared the socks off me when I last left it, and I made it my bitch. More than that, I turned around the fact that I couldn't snowboard after last year's injury into something positive. And by golly, did my fitness make a massive difference to this. On that same skiing holiday, I also found myself running through the snow in a bikini to our outdoor hot-tub, in front of guys I barely knew, and not worrying about it. In fact, I distinctly remember giggling and squealing at how cold it was, along with everyone else, as we dashed and slipped and slid through the snow on the deck.
• I hit a rocky patch on my weight loss, and I didn't give up. I persevered on, grumpy, frustrated and this close to giving up, and eventually, I figured it out and kicked it in the nuts. I clawed back that lost ground and went lower. And I figured out something else - it's no race, I don't need to be perfect, and I will get there. Now I'm a little stuck again, but I'm not worried. I just persevere.
• On that note - I feel, and look, better than I ever have. If ever there were a late bloomer, I guess it was me!
• I ran a 10K. Something I never thought I'd do. I'd vaguely aimed for a 5K, but I surpassed that. I always considered myself someone who couldn't run, so to have not just started, but to have persevered and built up to a 10K was amazing. Other fitness high-lights this year included my first ever black-runs of skis and my mountain-bike. And my first ever attempt at orienteering which turned out to be brilliant fun.
• I made the momentous decision to quit my job and achieve a life-goal of going travelling. I might have screwed myself up financially doing so, but I don't regret it for a second. They say you don't regret the things you do, you only regret those you don't. They're right.
• The financial hitch from travelling has bought me to a place, where I feel I'm on the verge of finally taking responsibility for my debt. I kind of feel now, how I felt when I finally took responsibility for my health nearly 2 years ago. It's not a race, it will be a struggle at times, but it doesn't have to be all the time, and only I can solve it.
• On the back of quitting my old job, I got a new, better job and moved cities. I have fully picked up my life and moved it to a new place, shaken out the dust and I'm busy setting myself up again. I needed this I think, because even if it doesn't work out, I tried. And you can't ask more than that.
• I'm feeling more open to people - to letting them see who I am.

In 2011, I have one word for you: and it's "progress". I have no final goals in sight now. Sure, I'd love to lose that last 10lbs or so and hit my goal, but based on this year, I'll just be happy if I've made some kind of baby-step in the right direction. The same with my fitness - in some ways I'd quite like to run a half-marathon, but I'm content to just keep running and enjoy where it takes me (literally and figuratively), and just to improve a little bit more. Speed, distance, whatever. And for those other parts of my life - relationships, work, personal development - no goals - just little steps forward to make me better and happier.

At the end of 2011, I'd like to be able to say that I follwed the amazing year that was 2010, with progress - which really means that 2011 will be more amazing, doesn't it?

The Birthday Hangover

Dictionary definition: “Birthday Hangover” – that period following a birthday, or other large celebration, when there is still a surplus of good bad food hanging around, and due to you being a nice girl / boy, you’re manfully making your way through it, rather than throw it away and waste it.  This hangover period will mean that, despite all the best intentions of eating healthily, you’ll frequently get slightly waylaid by the odd bag of marshmallows (which, incidentally, turn out to be pure evil despite their innocent, whiter-than-white appearances) and that tempting little box of French Fancies.

My birthday hangover, fortunately, or unfortunately depending on which way you look at it, coincided with a period of great stress and instability, but also a period when I was running round like a loon doing quite a lot of heavy lifting.  For that reason, and probably that reason alone, it didn’t take as great a toll as it could have done.  The “unfortunately” of the situation was that the stress and instability “excused” me into allowing myself to indulge in all the things I knew I shouldn’t be.  Slapped wrist.

And then finally comes the end of the Hangover.  This occurs when you make one small mistake too many and get fed up of it, and just start hurling the offending items of food into the bin.  Waste be damned, I freely admit I don’t have the willpower to leave them sitting around the house and not attack them like a ravening hoard of locusts …. and if it comes down to a choice between in my belly (and on my hips) and in the bin, then it’s a fairly easy choice to make in the end.

Other than that, my eating has been ….. ok, I guess.  Take away the added points of my Birthday Hangover mistakes, and the rest isn’t so bad.  It’s not fantastic either though.  For one thing, I could really do with cutting my booze intake back again.  Easy enough to address though.  For another thing, as much as I love Nature Valley bars, one of those, plus a morning skinny hot chocolate from the Starbucks in my new office, pretty much demolishes a third of my points for the day.  Not big and not clever – because I’m not getting a lot of value for my points.

Good news though – I am ready to address those points!  Nature Valley bars are finished, Alpen Lights are in.  I’ve bought more fresh fruit, and I’ve stopped attacking the wine that’s in the fridge.  And I’ve even made the grand step of introducing myself to my new running territory!

Yes – I have braved the minus temperatures to go and explore.  And like all things in life – the things you procrastinate about and try and put off – once you’re fleeced up and out the door and running, the pavement just unfurls peacefully beneath your feet, and you find that the run you dreaded is flowing past pretty effortlessly.  Just shy of 6km’s of satisfying me-time.  Feeling strong and fluid pretty much the whole way.  It turns out that my local loop around the harbour is probably about 5.5km for the basic route – which is mostly away from the road and unexpectedly quiet, with just the odd detour on to the road, or through some slightly spooky night-time ship yard.  Options to extend exist in both directions – in the summer there’s the promise of the countryside paths out along the Avon to explore, or a for a challenge I could work up through Ashton Court to come back over Clifton Suspension Bridge and down through Clifton Village.  Always lots of options, but most importantly, that great first run back makes me think that night / city / winter running doesn’t suck as much as I thought it would.

Regular readers of this blog will be familiar with the fact that I regularly seem to hit “quiet times” when I hover at a weight for a while instead of actively losing.  I think that’s where I am right now, but since I’m hovering within a lb or so of my lowest weight ever, and staying consistently below that barrier weight of 12st 6lbs it took me so long to crack through, I’m not too worried.  I’ll pick up momentum again sometime soon and edge down a little more.  Into those last 10lbs.  Into the 11’s.  It’ll come when it’s ready, and I’ve lost the anxiousness to achieve X weight by Y date.  I’ll get there some time, and it’s just about improving just a tiny bit at a time.