Stop It!

That is pretty much what I'm mentally shouting at myself most days at the moment.

"Stop it!"

"Stop it right NOW!"

"What are you doing?"

It's an ongoing, and very depressing, inner dialogue, because I just can't seem to get a handle on my eating at the moment.  Just a very easy handle on the food it seems.  Mostly going in the direction of my mouth.

I've been getting increasingly frustrated with myself, and what I see as my ongoing abuse of myself.  My weight seems to just gradually (oh so very gradually) trickle up.  Tiny increments here and there, but just enough that I keep seeing depressing new highs, that I thought I'd passed forever on the way down.  This morning, it was 13st 4lbs. 

Now, in all fairness, I can't possibly have put on 3lbs since yesterday, or not of fat at least, but the point is that I did weigh that much this morning.

A slump indeed.  And it's all very well me planning out my evening meals in advance, but that won't cut it if I keep eating a cake here, a Mars bar there and an entire bag of Haribo elsewhere.

Something is triggering me to eat at the moment, and I'm not entirely sure what.  I've just run a half-marathon for cripe's sake, and should be feeling the fittest I've even been.  Instead I feel wobbly and big (relatively speaking), and I looked at the race photos with depression on Monday (glossing over the fact that I was also wearing a not-terribly-flattering charity race vest, and had my base-layer tied round my waist which added bulk).

It occurs to me that I can't very well pull myself out of a slump if I don't know what's put me in it in the first place.  By all accounts, I should be feeling pretty good right now - I've successfully completed my current fitness goal, I've managed to sort my financial situation out to something much healthier (and got told yesterday that I'm even getting a bonus and a payrise this year), my house is comfortable and I have flat-mates I get on well with.  It's also spring time which is a season I love, and I have a whole summer of surfing and play to look forward to.  The only minor cloud on the horizon is that I'm starting to wonder what I'm doing with my career and if I'm in completely the wrong one.  But really, I'm not unhappy in my job - just pondering the long-term possibilities I think.

So what's with the eating, which is surely a displacement for something else?

Jo says she's similarly having trouble committing to The Challenge, so at least I'm not the only one, but I don't want to back-slide too far before I start going forward again.  I'm meeting up with Jo this weekend, so hopefully we can find some time to sit down and try and work out what we're doing.

I also need to sit down with myself and figure out a few things.  Perhaps remind myself why I'm doing this at all and what there is to be won and lost.  Finish re-decorating my goals board!

In the meantime, it's business as usual - treat every morning as a fresh start, and try not to be too hard on myself for my screw-ups, whilst also not throwing in the towel when I make a bad choice.

I'm off for an early-bird surf tomorrow in North Devon, which might clear my head a bit, before barrelling back the other way up the M5 to meet up with a load of my oldest school-mates for a bit of a reunion get together tomorrow night.  Tonight, I'm going to cook tasty risotto for Hannah and maybe enjoy a glass of (carefully tracked and acknowledged) wine and some chat.

Wishing everyone a positive weekend! xx