A Little More Detail

As always, you guys pitch in there with the support at a moment's notice - you rock.

I do feel I need to clarify something a bit though, as right now it makes my friend sound like an absolute bastard for what he said.

So here's the deal:  J and I were chatting last night online, and it was just after the London Boy had broken the news.  As you can imagine, I wasn't in the best of moods, and was bemoaning the fact that I seem to have the worst luck with guys.  This inevitably led to the "why do guys not find me attractive?" whine, and being the good friend he is bravely piled in.  He told me I was attractive, intelligent and fun, if "a little loud and overbearing sometimes when you get self-conscious".  That was followed very shortly by "over-bearing probaly isn't the right word".  He also clarified that it was generally when I drink and "if I drank that much Diet Coke, I'd be like I was on rocket fuel too". 

He was trying to be honest, and I do appreciate that - he freely admitted that he has can be difficult when he's self-conscious himself, so I know he's aware of his own faults.  And given he accepted my criticism recently when I had cause to pull him up on his behaviour, I know he really is trying to help.

The problem, really, is I don't know what to do about it.  I'm aware that when I feel nervous or self-conscious, I automatically bolster my behaviour to appear more confident.  Pretty much all of my friends are out-going and confident types, who shine at one thing or another, and I don't feel I stack up against them if I don't behave larger than life.  As I said to J, when I was bigger, I felt like I had the role of the funny fat chick to play.  In many ways, I still feel like that's my role - sometimes because I still "feel" fat and sometimes because I just don't know what else to be.  I don't have any particular talent now, that I didn't have before - which is to say, that generally what I do best is make people laugh.  And to do that I guess I am loud - in fact, half the time I feel like a performing monkey!  But I didn't know that came across as over-bearing, or annoying, or whatever word he was looking for.  And I don't know how to play any other role. 

J pointed out that I do many things pretty well, and that is a lot more than most, but I feel like I disappear next to my friends and just fade into the background, if I'm not being the Sue they know.  In fact, if I do stop (usually because I'm tired) I get actively asked what's wrong, or even why I'm so grumpy. 

So now I'm faced with a dilemma - should I try and be quieter, a bit more lady-like?  I definitely don't want to be annoying and drive people away.  Or carry on with my coping strategy and hope I naturally become a bit more confident at some point and quieten down of my own accord?