Positivity

I feel really positive right now.  Which is weird, but entirely awesome.

Somewhere between mid-July and now, I feel like someone changed my batteries and my lightbulbs and now I’m energised and sparkly again and feeling wholly refreshed and rejuvenated.

Winding back to mid-July and I had, I think, hit full flaming burnout.  I was sluggish, apathetic and constantly tired – I had no energy, couldn’t face the gym, had no interest in anything but curling up in darkened rooms and sleeping.  I even got to the point where I cancelled seeing people because I just didn’t feel like I could put my mask on and act like a proper human any longer.  I recognised it and acknowledged it and set about trimming back my social engagements and trying to rest myself a bit better, but all I could really think about was holiday and getting away for a couple of weeks.

Oh boy, holiday was amazing.  Two and a half weeks in Malaysia (Borneo) with the first few days of that spent unwinding in 5* luxury in neighbouring Brunei.  We climbed 4,000m mountains (never again), saw So.  Much. Wildlife and visited surreally beautiful landscapes like perfect tropical islands where we sat on the beach and watched the sun rise over the islands of the Philippines as the final green turtles finished laying their eggs in the sand and scooted back into the glassy blue sea. 

Somehow the sense of peace of being away in such quiet locations has come home with me, and I feel quietly positive about life.  I’ve still got a bit of jetlag, but instead of getting frustrated with waking up too early, I’ve been using the time to enjoy leisurely breakfasts before work or go to the gym to swim or do yoga.  I’ve set about gently rearranging the flat now that my flatmate has moved out – spreading out slowly from my over-crowded bedroom and making the stark open spaces where all her stuff has now gone homely and warm again.  I’m on the hunt for possible future homes again, and taking my time and being patient with the process.  

I’ve been cooking properly – making fresh soup, eating fruit and pasta with homemade sauce and (a sign of the progress I’ve made) I'm not really fussed by the open packs of crisps, chocolate, biscuits or icecream in the kitchen from before holiday.  

I also decided against weighing myself on the return from holiday.  I was re-reading parts of The Goddess Revolution whilst I was away, and am generally feeling quite a peace with my body right now, so realised that the scales couldn’t really tell me anything useful at this point in time.  My clothes fit, my skin looks healthy and tanned and I feel strong (well, my dodgy back feels good, my ankle still feels a bit tender after rolling it 3 times on the way down the mountain), so the scales can only either tell me what I already know if I tune into myself, or ruin that.  I choose blissful ignorance and trying to trust myself.

Recently ....

I had a couple of posts queued up to upload but yeah .... life got in the way and suddenly I was sitting on the coach to Heathrow airport and they didn't happen. Soz and all that.

So instead, I thought I'd just do a quick catch up post, as it's been a busy couple of weeks.

Sooo - I didn't get the little house I fell in love with. I was just pipped at the post by another bidder - I was really disappointed about it, but after a few days (and a little search for everything that had sold in the area I like in the last 6 months) I felt comforted that there had been a good few houses that I think I would have liked and it will all happen in good time.

In the meantime I've buggered off on holiday and I'm currently sat by the pool at 5* splendour that is The Empire Hotel in Brunei, flying over to Borneo this evening. This trip has both come round very quickly and also seems like it's taken FOREVER to arrive!! However it's nice to be away with the girls again and fall back into the old comfortable patterns of chat and chuckling.

Elsewhere in my little world, I had a flirtation with what seemed like an actual, real life, nice man ..... which lasted exactly until he told me about his wife (back away, back away!) and discovered that my invoicing has been wrong all year and I've been substantially under-billing my current contract. This could have been a disaster, but my agency have been very sweet and helpful and I'll be getting all my missing back-dated fees since January as a lump sum while I'm away. Which is really pretty awesome as it means I'm getting an unexpected boost to my house deposit and a lovely pay rise going forwards.  For the first time in my life I feel really quite well off and well on the way to financial stability.

That financial stability will be super important and significant going forward as I still have every intention of signing up for my coaching course in January next year and exploring the options to become fully self-employed (and more fulfilled by my career). The extra money makes it easier to save for the cost of my course and to start saving a really good sized safety fund to help smooth any future transitions in my work.

So all in all, things are positive .... or I'm choosing to take the positives out of events. I will find a house and now I know how the process works and feels. I had a fun flirtation with a guy which reinforced that I'm a perfectly normal, not unattractive person and the fact that he had zero morals has no reflection on me (and I responded in a way that means I can hold my head high and know I did nothing wrong). Bizarrely, despite being still being bigger than I had been for a while on holiday, I also feel more confident in my bikini that I probably ever have - all this work on my emotional eating, self love and acceptance might finally be kicking in.

So I'm wishing everyone a happy August from here in Asia and I'll see you on the other side for more adventures in emotional eating and house buying.