Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Little Frustrations

Lots of things are frustrating me at the moment - situations with items I ordered from the internet that were cancelled and I'm still waiting for a refund on 3 weeks later; my accountants who are being generally shit, which means I have a temporary cash flow blockage whilst I wait for them to tell me what I can pay myself; and it not being quite as easy as it first seemed to get on with resetting my behaviours around food.

I'm still pottering along trying to reset myself from "diet" mentality, which is ... interesting.  It's very hard not to mentally track your food when you've spent the best part of 7 years doing just that.  It's hard not to feel guilt about certain foods.  Well, basically any food that's not a "diet" food.  And it's hard not to just sometimes sit there and eat your emotions.

A lot of the time I catch what I'm trying to do and can talk myself down from it and find another way. But on the 100th time, you don't even realise what you've done until it's over.  Well, probably about every 10 or 20th time at the moment, as I'm still learning.

And oh, Grasshopper, there are so many things I still need to learn.

Still, my weight has remained very stable throughout so far.  The low end of stable.  On days when I can do it well (perfection is not required, so I'll settle for "well" or "good") my weight starts to actually decrease quite steadily, but at the moment I still make enough mis-steps that instead of seeing an overall loss, it's just steady instead.

One thing I do need to remember though, and it's another adjustment to my outlook that I need to make, is that I need to make my focus on healing my eating, and keep any weight loss as a secondary benefit.  This has been my problem all along, that I have made weightless my primary focus when really it was the affect and not the cause.  All in good time though.

Good things from the experiment so far:  I do generally feel lighter of heart, more accepting of myself and also a bit more confident and happy.  That alone is a great outcome.

Also - I survived skiing with only 2 lbs on at the scale to show for it.  Very well done me.

Really - there can only be positive outcomes from what I'm trying to do.  There's no real way for me to lose with what I'm trying to achieve, apart from possibly weight.  So the only thing to do is keep pushing forwards, one step at a time, no matter how many of those steps slide backwards a bit.

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