I would love to tell you how much I weight right now, but I really can’t because I just don’t know. My scales are right there in the bathroom, with batteries in and functional, but I haven’t weighed myself in about 2 weeks. I’m in the process of breaking up with the scales.
I’ve tried this previously, but usually cave in and start panicking after a short period of time, but this time genuinely feels different. I feel more at ease with the idea of not just not weighing myself, but letting my size settle where it will and putting more emphasis on being the best me and liking that, and not the size of my clothes or the number on the scales.
A couple of weeks ago, I read the latest in the series of books I’ve been devouring in my search for insight into my eating and finding peace – this time it was The Goddess Revolution. This one is much less focused on the psychological emotional eating side of things, although it definitely touches on it and other disordered eating, and is much more about self-acceptance, a holistic approach to looking after yourself and learning to love you however you end up. It talks about cutting out the constant quest to be someone else or a past version of yourself and working towards your best future self instead. And do you know – I really enjoyed it and took note of a number of points the author made. Mel Wells talks about how to reconcile leaving the diets behind and loving yourself as you are with still wanting to lose weight and be healthy in a ... well, healthy ... way. And a lot of what she says works for me.
Having said that, I’m still noticing organic changes happening in my eating and behaviours – I don’t really have to think about not finishing a plate because I’m full anymore – most of the time that just happens; cravings have faded and I’m much better at identifying times when I’m eating from fatigue or emotion (I’ve started to notice that fatigue is actually a huge driver for me to eat, and I’m getting better at persuading myself to take naps when I’m home) and coming up with a better solution than eating; and I think I’m finally starting to exit what one author refers to as the Donuts and Doritos phase.
I was seriously concerned a few weeks ago about the complete lack of fruit and veg I’ve been eating recently. Whilst I got used to listening to what my mind wanted to eat and not feel guilty about it, although things plant-based kind of disappeared from my diet for a while. I think this was maybe the backlash from so many years on the diet where I was not only forbidden all the naughty food, but when I had over-indulged I would eat all the “free” fruit and vegetables to try and make up ground. I think I had started to associate them with the stick that I would beat myself with when I deviated from the diet. But, slowly but surely, I’ve started to want a few again and have been picking a few items out of the fruit box at work and considering meal plans with some vegetable accompaniments. I’ve been trying really hard to listen to not just my mind but my body – what makes me feel good and what leaves me with a food hangover, and as I catch up on everything that was off-limits and the sparkle and allure of it fades, it’s much easier to do that. We had dinner out at The Burger Joint last week (a-mazing burgers if you’re ever in Bristol) but I felt horrible the next day – I’m learning.
Aside from all that, the world keeps turning. The UK voted out of the EU in the referendum (nooooooooooo), we did horribly in the Euro 2016 football (mwah ha ha ha) and Wimbledon started on Monday (so that’s my tv for the next couple of weeks!). I had a hideous deadline at work which I somehow delivered by the skin of my teeth. And I’ve been off enjoying myself all over the place – we camped in Cornwall at the weekend and it was glorious, I saw Kaiser Chiefs at Westonbirt Arboretum and they were brilliant, I took my dad out for birthday lunch, had dinner with my friends from ski season, caught up with my old housemates, had a dinner party with friends from work and other things besides. The last 2 weeks have been so jam-packed that I realised mid-way through last week that I was very much burning the candle at both ends and suffering for it. So here’s to some quiet weeks ahead to catch up with myself, tidy my house, save some money and generally unwind. Oh and it’s only 5 weeks until Borneo now!