Much has been going on in my world. Lots. And with it there are lots of feelings which, for someone working on fixing her emotional eating instead of just eating all the feels, is a trial. But I'm still here and I don't think I ate all of them, so that's probably progress of some sort.
My life feels like it's rather full of anxiety at the moment, to the point where I constantly feel like I have a knotted ball of it in my stomach - not an overly pleasant sensation, I think we can all agree! This is due to a whole list of things which I'm just going to have to work my way through one at a time, but basically fall into two camps. Firstly: ridiculous events for which I optimistically signed myself up. Secondly: housing.
At some point at the beginning of the year (and just after several boozy Christmas dinners with various friends) I was obviously feeling very optimistic about how fit I'd be at this point in the year and signed myself up for a 10k, a triathlon and a 5k obstacle race on consecutive weeks. Genius! Since then my motivation to run (or really do much other than walking) has sulked off into hiding and so training has been ... sporadic, shall we say. Today I was able to tick the first event off the list, and whilst it was hard, it wasn't as bad as I'd feared it could be. I ran the Bristol 10k this morning - the furthest I've run since 2012 - and we made it round in 1:16. My first ever 10k was 1:12, and my very best time is 1:05, but I was about a stone and a half lighter for both of those, so I'm pretty proud of today's time. Plus I hadn't run further than 5.5km in training this time, so the second half was pretty much uncharted territory.
Next week is meant to be an off-road triathlon and .... I'm sacking it off. At least until later in the year. I was meant to be doing it with a friend, but she is currently injured and I'm even more hopelessly unprepared for this one than the 10k. I would rather potentially lose the entry fee than try something on my own that makes me feel absolutely miserable and is a horrible experience. The obstacle run however will go ahead - I'm sure I can survive that one and it's only for fun.
So on to the second set of stresses in my life at the moment - the gnarly mess that has appeared in front of me regarding my housing situation. This has all come up in the last week and I'm trying to make sense of it at the moment and figure out the best way forwards.
Last week I asked my flatmate outright what she was thinking of doing when our lease is up for renewal in August - I've long had my suspicions she was thinking of moving in with her new boyfriend but, as nothing had been mentioned specifically, wasn't sure. However she is planning on it, so whatever happens next it will mean change for me. I'm also away on holiday for the first part of August so the renewal date falls whilst I've been out of the country for the 2 and a half weeks for added complication.
Earlier this week I also found out something quite momentous. Where I thought I didn't have a hope of buying a house yet because of getting a mortgage, it turns out it's actually quite possible. Long story short - I've been dreaming about buying a house for years, but after dealing with the debt from my 20's and then going self-employed I thought I was still years off this possibility and I was wrong about that.
However, the area I live in (and would like to remain in) is pretty hideously expensive, so whilst it's now viable for me to buy, it's going to be tricky finding something decent whilst sticking to my budget. And as at the moment, I have a 3 month deadline hanging over my head to either find somewhere (or at least have it imminently lined up) or I've pretty much got to commit to another 6 month lease on a flat, unless I can possibly persuade my landlady to let me roll the lease on our flat on monthly on my own.
As you can see, there are a horrible number of variables in play, and it's giving me a headache trying to think it all through and figure out the best plan of action, or even where to start. As I hadn't expected to be in a position to even think about buying there's a lot of research and ground work I need to do first to figure out where I stand.
In the spirit of trying to cope with my emotions rather than eat them, I am trying to sit with the anxiety when it's nearly overwhelming and use it to propel me into doing something productive like thinking the problem through, doing research and weighing up my options. It's not always easy though.
In the meantime, I've run the 10k and ticked that off the list, and I have to admit I feel stronger for it.
What is it they say? What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger?
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