Thoughts swirling round in my head

I've had so many thoughts rushing round my head the last couple of days ... but of course now I can't pinpoint any of them to put down for prosperity. Bloody typical!

Firstly: a little promise to myself. I'm going out for dinner tomorrow night, and I want to make sure I decide on my menu choices before I leave the house so that I'm prepared.
Secondly: another little promise - I'd like to do some exercise tomorrow, and preferably some on Sunday as well. I'm feeling really lardy this week, as work has got in the way of exercise, so I want to do a bit of catching up.

Actually, although I say I'm feeling lardy, I had an upbeat day yesterday, a "thin day" if you like, when I really felt like I was making some progress. Never thought I'd be so proud to be slobbing round the flat in a pair of old jogging bottoms - except that these were the bottoms I used to wear to fencing when I was at uni over 6 years ago, and since they're woven ones, rather than stretchy, they can't lie. I must actually be getting smaller.

By comparison, I feel like I'm having a "fat day" today. The jeans I put on this morning, weren't as loose as I thought they would be, and I'm just generally feeling yuck. Most of the yuckness is down to eating Chinese food out last night, I think. I'm sure it's the MSG they put in, but it leaves my stomach feeling really sour the next day - really not good. I was very well behaved at dinner though - had chow mein and some soup, and didn't actually get round to finishing either. I also made sure to stay well away from the bowl of prawn crackers in the middle of the table, until the boys had demolished pretty much all of them. Then just stole the last two out of the bowl, when the temptation had past.

All in all, I'm ahead on points this week, which is good, as I shall need them tomorrow for dinner out. Again. I sometimes find it hard to believe that I can be saving points, when I feel so full. And I really do feel full. I do try very hard to make sure I'm realistic with my pointing, so I don't end up cheating myself, but it's hard to believe that I actually had to take a treat size dairy milk out the cuoboard after dinner, just to make sure I came within 4 points of my daily allowance. Crazy. And back to the insecure feelings that it's too easy and won't work. It's funny how we go so quickly from feeling good about ourselves to bad.

Actually, right now, I'm feeling heinously guilty, and it's not even about food. I'm actually feeling guilty because I ended up back at Cribb's Causeway today, to go and get my new UGG boots, and I can't seem to bloody well stop shopping at the moment. It's like some dreadful compulsion to buy, buy, buy. And then the compulsion to feel guilty afterwards! I shouldn't even feel too guilty about today as the boots were bought with vouchers from work, and I realised afterwards that the amount of money I'm owed from friends for buying various b'day presents pretty much covers the rest, but it's a habit that's so ingrained I can't shake it!

So anyway - I'm now in posession of a gorgeous new pair of tall UGG boots in Chestnut, 3 tops from Gap which will all be suitable for work (all in the sale too) and a bright yellow hoodie from Animal that cheers me up just looking at it! Additionally, I saw a pair of flat, long grey boots in Faith I liked, and in the sale, but they only had 6's. Had a peak online when I got home and eventually found them - reduced by half as much again and only in my size, so I snapped them up. And finally, my new cleated shoes for spinning have arrived. A luxury perhaps, but since I spin at least once a week, I'd really like my feet to be comfortable whilst I do it!

Suppose I'd better do a bit of tidying if I hope to get any of this lot put away!!

Sue@confused.com

I swear to God those scales are trying to scramble my brain. Having weighed in on Monday to a lovely little 2lb gain, I stepped on this morning to see a 4-5lb loss. WTF????

In 2 days? Are you kidding me???

I don't think I will ever truly understand the workings of my body, since I've been quite happily eating like a pig the last couple of days, although all safely in my points, and haven't done a scrap of exercise apart from having a full-blown hissy fit or two at work due to stress. I fully expect the scales to bounce again slightly before the end of the week, but I have to confess it was lovely to see the numbers starting with a 14 this morning instead of a 15 - even if I'm not really there just yet.

In other news - I've rediscovered fish!!!! Or more specifically, the loveliness of fresh salmon. Luckily for me, my friend Bridget is a gem, as I got home from work last night late and in the foulest mood possible, to find her sitting on my drive already waiting for me (we have our regular girly night on a Tues, and stupid work held me up waaaaaay later than expected), and having spotted my less than sunny disposition, she gave me a big hug and packed me off into the living room to chill while she cooked dinner. What an absolute gem!

Have finally got my car back from the garage this morning (after just two weeks - how quick!!! Grrrrr), so I stuck two fingers up to work (metaphorically speak of course) (although actually you should have heard the swearing from my desk yesterday - soooooo undignified lol) and mooched into work about 10.30 once I'd got it all sorted. Today looks like it could still go the way of yesterday - i.e. down the toilet, but at least I'm happily munching on the sweet chilli chicken and salad wraps I actually had time to make this morning. I hearby vow that I will not let anyone get on my nerves enough today to make me start swearing like a Tourettes sufferer again.

Spinning tonight, so can look forward to a good release for pent-up aggression / frustration, plus extremely cheesey music and banter (yep - the banter will be cheesey too).

2lbs On

So it happened - a week when I put on instead of taking it off. And I'm still breathing, it wasn't The End Of The World, and I'm still sticking to plan. I thought I'd feel worse about it, but I think I was semi-prepared as I could guess it was going to happen after the weekend.

What I do know is that I'm more motivated than ever to keep going and get this bit back off, and then to get on with the rest of it.

Now, it's not the greatest motivation in the world, but I'm really anxious to try and make a really good dent in what's left, over the next 2 months. At the end of May, I'm going to the wedding of this weekend's Hen, Kate. And not only do I want to not cringe at the wedding photo's this time, but there is going to be someone there who used to be a good friend, but is sadly now very much not. Whilst it's sad that a 16 year friendship has been completely destroyed by her choice, I bloody well want to turn up looking the best possible as she keeps making snide comments about how fantastic her life is these days.

Deeply shallow, but if it helps me power on through the next two weeks, I'm down with it!!

What a weekend!

This weekend was the hen party of my friend Kate, who I've known since school. Friday afternoon, after an absolutely hectic day at work, I set off to collect friends and travel up to rural Lincolnshire - the venue of the weekend's festivities.

Up til Thursday I'd been diligently saving points this week to try and offset some of the damage at the party. I'm a bit disappointed that one way or another I didn't make it to the gym more often this week, but best laid plans and all that malarkey. Friday turned out to be one of those days when loads of little things conspire against you, so nothing runs as smoothly as it should. Work ended up running way over, so I was late home, then when I left, having just about had time to throw lunch down my neck at 4pm, and 10 mins to pack, I realised that my sat nav charger and mount were in my car down at the garage, and therefore I was going to have to wing it to my friend's house without. Later in the car, I realised I'd forgotten pyjama bottoms (d'oh) and the required bottle of bubbly and one of wine (bugger), because I'd been so wrapped up in the fact that I'd be drinking vodka and slimline tonic, which I had remembered.

Anyhoo, after about 4 hours we eventually got there and the mayham commenced. 20 girls in a massive cottage for the weekend with no neighbours to disturb and a hot-tub, indoor heated pool, karaoke and a games room at their disposal .... plus a very well-stocked drinks fridge - brilliant!!!

Needless to say, there's been a lot of food and drink pass my lips this weekend. Friday night was ok - I was a few points over for the day, but nothing disastrous, but despite the best intentions on Saturday and trying to make wise decisions, dinner caught me out (no choice in what we ate) and I gave up trying to point somewhere around 50 points. Yep - 50. Read it and weep. I certainly will when I step on the scales tomorrow! Today was back to my usual good behaviour, but I expect there may be a gain tomorrow - I'm putting my bet in at 2lbs but we'll see.

Don't regret a minute though - walks on the beach (nearly blown away), chilled wine in the hot-tub, hilarious fancy dress for a murder mystery dinner, bad, bad karaoke and lots of friends - it was worth it.

On the upside, I had several comments from friends I hadn't seen for a while asking if I'd lost a bit of weight, and I'd swear my confidence has bounced up a bit, as I didn't realise until after I'd stripped down to swimwear and jumped in the tub how much less self-conscious I was than before, even in front of slim, gorgeous, semi-strangers :O).

Sanity restored

Oh dear - I was feeling grumpy earlier! Still - I have regained a bit of my equilibrium now. Having wasted a fair amount of the day being Grumpus Extremus, I felt a bit guilty and bought my laptop home to catch up on some work .... needless to say it's still sat on the bed from where I put it down when I arrived home.

Went to see the physio this evening, who's verdict is that there's no permanent damage causing the aches, but one way or another my hamstrings have got overly tight, and that's probably the root of a lot of the current discomfort. After 15 mins of her brutalising (sorry: working) on my hamstrings, they were a lot looser and I could actually touch the floor again, and I've got stretches to do for the rest of the week. Other than that, I can exercise as normal - yay.

Interestingly, she took one look at all my joints (far too double-jointed) and some of the bruises I'm currently (still) sporting and asked if I was often clumsy (I am). She thinks I might have something called Dyspraxia (sp?), which I should go and read up on, but apparently might have something to do with my constant, awe-inspiring ability to walk into anything in an even vaguely close proximity to myself. Whatever it is, she reckons that a lot of core work might help straighten it out. With that in mind, I've also got a strange whoopee-cushion looking device that will now be residing on my office chair under my arse - it's basically a disc-shaped cushion you sit on (like a really small, flat Swiss ball) that destabilises you and forces you to work to sit better. Guess we'll see how that goes.

Had a bash at making leek and potato soup for the first time this evening - mushed together a couple of different recipes off the WW's site, but the result was very nice and tasty, and I've got another couple of portions for lunches this week, at only 1 point each. Bargain - and I love it when I'm organised.

Well, I'm going to take my slightly saner brain off to bed now.

Grrrr ...

I had a bit of a freak out this morning. I was sat at my desk, looked down at my belly (no other word for it) and realised that it still looks huge. Which made me depressed. Which made me think that This Will Never Work, it's too easy, nothing good is ever easy, it wasn't easy before so why is easy now, it'll stop working soon, and the ultimate question - when will it suddenly stop magically working?

Which is a lot of negativity to fit into the space of about 60 seconds.

But in all honesty it's how I do feel a lot of the time, even if I do manage to supress it and get on with the plan anyway. We're programmed to think that dieting (I hate that word) is so damn hard, so then I end up thinking that this can't possibly keep working. that any success so far must be a trick - lulling me into a false sense of security.

Mind you - I suppose in a way it does - I can't count the number of people who say they do so well, and then start sliding back into their old habits one tiny bit at a time. I'm scared that'll be me. Or that I'll run out of this mysterious supply of will-power that I currently seem to have, and do what I usually do with everything else in life - get bored and give up.

And if 1 and a half stone doesn't seem to have made much of dent in how I look, will the other 3 and a half really make it all that much better?

Ugggh - how do we go from feeling so high to feeling so low in such a short space of time - it's like you can actually feel the positivity and motivation draining out of you into a pathetic little puddle on the floor.

I think this might all be the effect of me feeling grumpily hungry all morning. Oh, I've been good enough - had beans on toast for breakfast (no butter or spread), and stuck to fruit all morning, but I hate feeling hungry, and of course I'm desperately trying to save points for the weekend. Think I'm also feeling increasingly deserted by my flatmate, who's literally inseparable from the guy she started going out with at Xmas. I'd thought by now, they might have settled into a more relaxed routine, but no, either she's at his, or he's wandering round our place like it's home, and the whole thing is really starting to set my teeth on edge. I mean, he's an alright guy, but frankly I don't need to see that much of him. And the rest of the time I don't see my flatmate for dust. or they're sat in the living room being ultra-couply, and slink off to her room to watch tv behind closed doors from about 8.

There maybe toys flying out the pram before the end of the day.

Smug and satisfied

Hooray!!! I've lost again this week :o) And that's in spite of my ending the week 16.5 points over - whoops!!

Despite the scales being a little wooly this morning (they must be about as awake as me first thing on a Monday morning), the best guesstimate is I lost another 2.5lbs this week!! I say wooly because the first time I stepped on them, they gave me such an optimistic result (14st 13.5lb) that I though that couldn't possibly be right. The second go said 15st 2.5lb, and on the third go I got 15st 1lb. I don't know if the batteries going, or they were just being a bit stroppy, but I decided to run with the average and take 15st 1lb as my official WI.

So, with the hen party looming on Fri, I didn't quite manage my target of being 15st for then, but frankly I can't really bring myself to care that I'm 1lb off my target - big deal!!! Because I have still hit my target for 7lbs in March which was one of the challenges I was doing online.

This week will mostly be about scrimping and saving points for the weekend - god knows how that'll go, but I can but try.