I'd written a whole long post yesterday that I didn't get round to posting, but I realised as I ran round the harbour this lunchtime, that the post was pretty much a lie. So I deleted it and started again.
The truth is I am mid-wobble at the moment. I don't think I quite wanted to admit it to myself - the post I had drafted talked about how I'd made some good decisions this weekend, whilst quietly glossing over the fact that I'd made more bad decisions, and it's been like that for a few weeks now.
If we're going to be honest, I made mistakes through most of last week, just little ones here and there. Then I made slightly bigger slip-ups on Wednesday night and Thursday, which I put down to allowing a little emotion to creep into my eating. The scales were up on Friday (no big surprise), but this has been going on longer than a couple of days - it's been a couple of weeks now.
I have these phases periodically, when for whatever reason it seems impossible to stay on plan. I don't know what causes them, and I snap out of them eventually when I reach some trigger point or another. A lot of the time, I can't admit what's happening, and just beat myself up repeatedly for deviating from plan again. I think it's easier when I admit that it's something more than that, because I stop being so hard on myself. I have too much to lose to back-slide too far, so I'm nowhere even close to giving up. I start every day with good intentions, even if I drift later on. I'll know I'm in trouble the day I wake up and think "fuck it". It's not happened yet. You know the saying " you may have lost the battle, but you haven't lost the war"? I can't think of a more appropriate application of that than the world of losing weight - every day is a new battle on the long war of your weight - as long as you're trying you're winning. So I keep trying - I'm just admitting that I'm not being hugely successful right now.
Aside from that, I had a glorious weekend away surfing in Cornwall. It was a club trip that's been planned for ages, so the amazing weather was an added bonus, as we were all prepared to go anyway. The more I surf, the more I fall a little bit deeper in love with it at the moment. I'm still a total novice, playing on a softboard in the white water, but there's slow progress being made. And I'm having fun doing it. I love spending the time outside, in the sun and fresh air and open space and cool ocean. The thrill when you catch a wave is exhilarating. The tiredness afterwards is satisfying.
As I admitted above, I made some good and some bad food choices. I packed lunches and fruit and had sensible breakfasts, but then undid that with sweets and chocolates and a little too much booze. I just need to figure out a way to eat healthily on these trips so I can enjoy them to the max.
I'll find a way - there is a balance. I will get back where I was, and I will keep making progress. This newer version of me is like that - she doesn't give up easily, and she keeps trying again and again long after the old her would have given up and admitted defeat (and buried her head in a pile of sugary food). The new me push the boundaries, and when they won't give she bangs her head against them until they do break.
On that note - so far today, so good. I've been for a run, and I've made my choices for my food today already, including dinner out this evening. We'll get there somehow.
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