Oh Dear

Hey,

It's a very subdued version of me writing this evening, as it's all gone a bit pants in the last week.  My housing jinx has struck again, as my beautiful, perfect flatshare, that I was so excited about moving into this week, fell through on Sunday.

Where does that leave me?  Ummmm - a little bit homeless. 

I still have to be out of my current lovely pad on Monday this week, and there has not been time to sort out a replacement flat in time for that. 

The unfortunate thing about this situation, is that it plays on all my personal insecurities.  It pushes all my little buttons, and has left me pretty down.  The flat fell through because the (ass of a) guy who was meant to move out, suddenly decided that he didn't want to move after all.  He decided that on Sunday, which was a whole 10 days after I'd been offered the flat.  But, unfortunately, since I hadn't actually signed anything at the time, I hadn't a leg to stand on.

Ah bollocks.

Before the axe fell, I enjoyed a fabulous, if messy, weekend surfing Newquay.  I'm now the proud owner of a lovely new winter wetsuit and boots, and I'm suddenly thinking that surfing into the winter is looking like a fun thing.  A bit too much booze (read for that: a lot too much booze), not enough sleep, but on the whole I was pretty impressed with my eating, which was a bit more on par for a surfing weekend, than I've previously managed.

I can't say that I've tracked much this week - between the stress and the running around, I've not felt like it (yeah, yeah, not big, not clever).  However, I don't think I'm too far off beam - I'm probably more maintaining at the moment than losing, but that's ok.

In the meantime, I'm working on getting my flat packed up and into storage.  The wonderful Hannah, amongst so many other friends which has amazed me, has stepped up to offer me somewhere to stay for the next couple of weeks.  I've booked a storage room for the next 2 months, to give myself plenty of time, and I'll be camping out at Casa Hannah.

I'm just trying to press down all my irrational feelings of rejection and failure and loss of independence, which are plaguing me - ok, so I got turned down from two other flats, but since I didn't really want either of them (no bike storage for a start, and further away than I wanted), so I shouldn't be too downhearted about not being picked.  And I did nothing to deserve what happened with my lost flat (stupid little internal voice that cunningly whispered to me this morning that maybe my flatmate-to-be had simply found someone better and fobbed me off - why????  Why would I think that??). 

Sooooo - I'm like a little ball of emotions at the moment and trying to cope with it.  Trying not to be too down (even Dom who I work with said I seemed quiet when I was in the office earlier in the week), trying not to be paranoid, or stressed, or anything that isn't helpful to me.  I have a plan, I've set myself some timescales and back-up plans, and I have soooooooo many friends who are rallying round me, if I'll only let them help me.

I'll survive, and it will all sort itself out, because it always do - I always land on my feet - just usually via a rather undignified scramble with a few bumps and bruises along the way.  And then I'll go surfing again and wash all the grumpiness away.

Hope everything's going better for you lot than me. xx