I wasn't feeling the most cheerful yesterday morning, but by the time I'd had a decent lie in and mulled things over, I'd come to the conclusion that my Grandma would never tolerate moping over her loss, men will always be annoying and frustrating and that doesn't change who I am or what I'm worth, and my financial situation doesn't benefit from sulking (I was having a small wobbly over that at the weekend too). All in all, I concluded, wasting a perfectly good sunny day in bed feeling a bit sorry for myself was a rather pointless exercise.
After 6 days of this mindful eating malarkey, I've started feeling rather proud at how I've adjusted to a subtly different mindset. Yesterday I was able to finish the takeaway leftovers for lunch (well, brunch, I'd missed breakfast and was too hungry to wait for lunch) and attend a bbq in the afternoon without really thinking about it. It wasn't until I was leaving the bbq that it occurred to me I'd subconsciously applied the mindful eating rules to the whole afternoon - I'd had a sausage in a roll from the bbq, which I'd taken my time over, I'd had a couple of pieces of grilled halloumi and two mini egg bites, and a piece of the cake which I'd totally savoured. And that was it. No crisps. No breadsticks and hummus. No nibbles. I felt great! What's more, I hadn't been consciously been "resisting" eating the other things.
To cap the evening off, I quite fancied some ice-cream, and given how well I've coped with having things like biscuits in the house this week; things that are normally big trigger foods for mindless consumption; I thought I'd get some and enjoy it. I had some in a bowl with a chopped up banana, and the rest went straight back in the freezer. I took my time, and in all honesty, I started thinking I'd dished myself up too much rather than wanting more.
It's been nearly a week of consistently following this new logic, and whilst I hesitate to say it's any kind of magic solution, I can honestly say I've found it refreshing because for the first time in a very long time, I don't feel like I'm fighting food, my appetite, my will power or anything else.
That isn't to say it's easy; I've felt like I'm being an anti-social git at times when I eat solo in the kitchen, away from other people, and I've still haven't quite figured out how to deal with social situations - I know I need to eat slower and stop trying to talk and eat at the same time, but that's still a work in progress.
One thing that has really surprised me has been that I've occasionally felt resentful of self-awareness this exercise has given me. That I'm now aware that I've been using the distraction of the tv or a book as a way of shoving down far more food than I need and I don't really feel I can do that any more. I felt something similar when I first started seriously doing Weightwatchers in 2009 and for the first time I was really aware of how bad some of the things I'd been eating were - I resented knowing and not just being able to consume them anymore in ignorance - just a vague sense of guilt rather than deliberately ignoring that knowledge.
Hopefully, though I can use this new awareness to try and tune my habits to something more healthy all round.
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