Thursday, 5 August 2010

Excitment alert!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! I can't believe it's here already!!!

Tonight is the last night I sleep in my bed for a month - that's totally crazy. I'm kinda sad, excited and nervous all rolled up into one. I've got my packing list written out, and I've done all my washing and shopping - just got to do the actual packing now, but I never do that til the last minute because I'm one of those people that always needs whatever's at the bottom of the bag, or panics that I've not packed something and then pulls the whole thing apart multiple times to check.

Tomorrow evening I'll be heading over to Jo and Lissa's to stay with them ready for an uber-early start on Saturday - 5am I think. So I've got tomorrow to pack, tidy the flat and do whatever last minute errands I think of. I'm going to say goodbye to my Daddy and spend a little time with him before I go, and then I'm off.

For a whole month.

Eeeeeeek - it feels like such a massive step for me. I actually think I'll be ok leaving everything behind for a month, but I feel really bad about leaving my Dad, especially as I know he'll be worrying about me getting blown up, or kidnapped or breaking my back doing some crazy sport, as it is ~The Daddy Way to worry about such things.

I've been mega-busy all week, running round and preparing, shopping for last minute things, getting currency, sorting out my library books - all the things that suddenly become obvious when you're downing tools for a month. In between that, I've also spent a significant amount of time on the phone to a new recruitment agency, arranging for them to be looking for new jobs for me whilst I'm away. It's a good job I've had this week off work, as I've no idea how I'd have fitted it all in had I been in work for month end instead.

The upside of all the business is that running around leaves no time for snacking, and I've generally been really good with my food. So good in fact, that the scales got down to 12st 6.5lb yesterday - soooooooo close to where I wanted to be. Unfortunately, they then bounced back up to 12st 10lb this morning, and god knows where they'll be tomorrow - I've eaten on my points today, but I've just got back from eating out at an Indian restaurant, and I can feel how full and bloated I feel already. Hmmmmmm.

I'm actually really terrified right now, that having got my weight on the way to being back to it's lowest over the last couple of weeks, I'm going to lose the plot completely in Costa Rica and put on a shit-load of weight in the space of a month. That none of my clothes will fit me, and I'll be miserable. Hopefully, that fear in itself will be enough to help keep me on the straight and narrow!!

I've actually been finding it really hard to write my packing list, because these last few pounds I've lost make a real difference to how my clothes fit, so it's been really tough working out whether I should take my smaller clothes and rely on not putting anything on, else nothing will fit and I'll feel like shit, or take slightly looser clothes, but then if I lose anything, they won't look good, and I still won't feel that great, albeit for a better reason. So difficult!

I hate, hate, hate that tomorrow will be the last scales I see for a month, and they're probably not going to say anything good because of tonight's meal out. Grrrrrrrr. Not a good place to start the trip mentally-speaking.

I also found myself really sad that Tuesday's circuits class would be the last I would go to for a while. The class that has been killing me for the last couple of weeks and I'm actually thinking I'm going to miss it. I think it's because, like all classes when you persist, you find that although it's still hard, you're able to do the exercises better, and I don't want to lose that progress I've made.

So many things going on in my head right now. I had my last counselling session last night, and after 6 weeks, I was actually really sad to say goodbye. We've covered so much stuff over the course of the sessions - things I've not really talked about here, but have none-the-less been important. I think to a large extent I'm still processing alot of what we've gone over, and what it's revealed about me.

In the 6 hours we've had together we've talked about my grief (for my mum) and my guilt relationship with my dad. That I have massively dual-standards by which I judge other people and myself (tolerant of other people, but very harsh on myself), but a lot has centred around my feeling of always being on the outside and an outcast. What it comes down to is this - I have a huge problem accepting that people actually like me - for various reasons I find it very difficult to understand that people might genuinely like me, and as a result I tend to distance myself as a form of self-defence. Add to that, that I have a morbid fear of being lonely and abandoned, and there's quite a vicious circle of behaviours. Outwardly, I'll be the perfect friend / social acquaintance / business colleague and you'll probably like me ... but I won't be able to accept or believe that you do. Paranoid, insecure, or downright loopy - call it what you will - logically I know I'm surrounded by some of the best friends a girl can have, but I always fear that they don't like me, are just putting up with me because they're polite, and the moment I disappear, they'll carry on like I was never there. A perfect example - when I left work last week, one of the guys Rich gave me his number, asked for mine, and told me to stay in touch (he's not single before you ask). In my head, that translates into: he's just being polite and isn't really bothered about staying in touch, not that he's been bothered to give you his number, and get yours to make sure you have a way of contacting each other.

I sometimes feel like that Muppets' sketch with the two guys in the theatre box - "It's outstanding", "Amazing!", "Really good", "Well, it's alright", "Actually, it's not that good", "It's terrible", "I hate it!!" - you know that one I mean? That's me whenever someone gives me a compliment, or says anything nice - I twist it over time in my head. They gave me a compliment? They were just being nice.

Anyway - I don't know how I got side-tracked here - this post was supposed to be a happy (slightly nervous) one, ahead of the great adventure, beginning tomorrow.

I'm mostly ready, I've got a plan of action for my weight, I've got someone looking for jobs for when I get back, I've finished my counselling and it was positive - lots of things to think about, even if they'll take a while to use in real life, and tomorrow brings the biggest adventure of my life to date.

At the moment, I plan to take the iPhone, so you might even get semi-regular updates of what's going on - oh you lucky, lucky things.

Right - I'm leaving you for my bed now. Night night.


Zanna said...

Have a brilliant time - and I do hope you manage to update occasionally to let us know how you're going - and I'm not just saying that to be nice!!!! - I would love to hear how things are going. Enjoy Zxx

Seren said...

Wow. I could relate to so much of what you said in this post. I've often wondered if part of the reason that I have gained weight over the years is to give myself an know - oh, he/she doesn't like/fancy/respect me because I'm fat type thing. But anyway - enough with the cod psychology. It sounds like the counselling has helped which is the important thing.

Have an absolutely amazing time on your trip and try not to worry TOO much about weight gain!


My Wee Life said...

Have a fantastic time - you might manage the odd update on your travels but looking forward to hearing all about it when you get back. Put your weight to the back of your mind while you are away - jut enjoy! By the way I could relate to everything you said too. Have such a good time and I for one am very envious!

Runnergirl said...

You're not alone - I have some amazing friends and I never get why they're friends with me - I don't think I have anything to offer. But then, flip that around - you wouldn't have amazing friends if there wasn't something about you. I often say to Hubby that I wish I could see myself the way that other people, especially him, see me.

Have a fantastic trip - I'll bet you'll be having too much fun to dwell on food, and the weight will stabilise or keep coming off because you'll be so active.

Runnergirl said...
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Linz M said...

Have a fantastic time, sooooo jealous!

Hopefully you can let us know how you get on, I will miss your posts - and I mean that, not being polite :)

I can also totally relate to you, I am often massively paranoid that people put up with me etc. but actually I am starting to accept that I'm not too bad!

Anyway, I digress. Have the best time, don't stress too much about the weight, am sure you'll be massively active and be ok.


Lorr74 said...

Have a fab time and try to not let your insecurities get the better of you, you ahve done fabulously well with your weight loss & fitness and have now begun the road to getting the emotional side of things sorted, great going girl! I can totally relate to what you say about people just being polite, dont know if its a weight thing or a general lack of self worth thing, anyhoo, we are commenting coz we like you, not just polite! Looking forward to your posts about your travels. Take care xxxx