Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Not feeling too shiny right now

I'm feeling a bit fragile right now. Everything feels too much, like someone turned the volume up on the world and everything's shouting at me at the same time. How much my job is making me stressed and miserable at the moment, worries over travel plans and whether I'm making the right decision or have the balls to go through with it, the black cloud of my debts constantly hanging over my head, worries about my Dad who just had a corrective laser surgery on his eyes yesterday and is genuinely scared he might go blind, and my increasingly frail soon-to-be-95 grandma, sadness that the 3 year anniversary of my mother's death was 2 days ago, and guilt that I actually forgot on the day, and ongoing confusion over what happened with The Guy.

Basically my head's a bit fucked. I just got back from a pub-quiz and a much-needed girly one-on-one chat with Bridget afterwards, during which I 'fessed up most of the above, including alluding to The Guy. She's such a star that she didn't even press me for details - just gave me a hug, told me I was an idiot for thinking she would judge me, that her phone was always on and she wished there was something she could do to help in practical terms. She's the best.

On getting back from the pub, the first thing I did was head for the cake tin, and I got it as far as the kitchen counter before thinking that this wasn't the right reason to be eating late-night cake and putting it away again.

My eating is by no means perfect at the moment, but I feel a bit nearer to being on track than I have done in recent weeks. The weekend wasn't amazing, but was certainly better than it could have been. At least I'm starting to consciously think about my choices and the consequences again and also to track everything and I'm also taking on board lessons learned.

We had another long walk on the weekend - 12 miles of hills. This time I pointed my picnic food in advance, unlike the Great Day of 70 points, and I made a more sensible dinner time choice at the lovely pub / restaurant. I was still a few points over at the end, but only a handful.

Sunday was also a few points over, due to a visit to Yo! Sushi during a shopping trip - although I did maintain some awareness of what I was eating whilst I was there. Today and yesterday haven't been too bad at all. So although the scales were back up over the 13 st mark after the weekend, they weren't as bad as the previous weekend and were already climbing back down this morning. If my weekend's aren't going to be perfect, then if I can at least keep that trend of not being as high as the previous week, and then climbing straight back on it on the Monday (or sooner) then I should at least see some slow progress in the right direction.

Now I just need to figure out how to tackle all the other crap in my life before my head explodes or I jump off the nearest cliff.

On a more positive note, the walk was a lot of fun on Saturday - I pushed myself marginally harder than I did last time but doing all the peaks along the way this time rather than taking the paths round a few of them, so that was good. There's a few photos below of us on top of the hills and also hiding for a mid-morning break in a dell while we waited for friends to meet us. The theme of the day, which was my friend Graeme's birthday celebration, was to bring one super-extravagant thing with you - I was quite boring with my luxury item, which was organic clotted cream fudge yoghurt, but some of the others were quite original - at the lunchtime picnic we had fresh G & T's with lemons, freshly done toast (on a camping stove) to go with the pate and Gentleman's Relish, and a whole hot roast chicken, roast potatoes and gravy, complete with salt and pepper shakers!!! Genius!

So there, we go, I'm trying hard to end on a positive note I don't quite feel at the moment, the mojo's still a bit elusive, but I did realise earlier that I do feel much better when I can feel in control of at least one aspect of the chaos, and if that's my eating that's fine.


kate said...

glad you've got friends like bridget. sounds like you need to empty your head a little. chin up mate, and don't be too hard on yourself about things that you can't change.

....excellent outdoor feasting btw!

Linz M said...

I'm not surprised you're feeling a bit fragile, you've a lot to deal with there.

Glad you've good a really good friend who you can talk to - it definitely helps to get it all out there. It's no wonder you've not been totally focussed on your eating. Don't be too hard on yourself - just take it one thing and one day at a time and you'll get there.

You make walking in the hills sound like such fun - I am almost inspired to try it :)