I'm having a mini freak-out at the scales today as the bastard's just keep going up without my permission. There was a nasty looking number that looked a lot like 13 on them this morning.
Son of a bitch!!!
Eating yesterday wasn't entirely perfect, but nowhere near enough to justify another freaking gain. This scares me .... I'm still making the effort and fighting every day for this and so far this year all that's happening is gains. What if this is it and I can't get it right anymore? Can't lose anymore? Start slowly creeping back up?
It bloody terrifies me that I can't seem to get this right anymore. That when it is right, it doesn't have any positive impact on the scales at the moment.
I'm trying to push that fear away and bury it, and not let it distract me from continuing to try and make each day good, but it's there lurking at the back of my mind. The same fear that I was surprised to find groundless when I first started this last year, finally feels like it's real and true now and has come back to haunt me. I feel like I no longer control the scale - that what I eat won't change what I see which is how I used to feel before Weightwatchers.
I'm still not ready to give up though. I might well cry (literally) if I see another gain on Friday, which is what I currently expect, but I can't give this up because the alternative is far worse. The alternative is regaining everything I lost, and probably alarmingly quickly. It's the destruction of my self-esteem AGAIN. And besides - I threw out all my clothes. I don't want to give up - not on the healthy-eating plan - not on myself.
Yesterday I found myself physically hungry for much of the day. I fought it as best I could by at least making the extra food as healthy as possible - clementines, cereal bars, soup and a small roll at lunch with my sandwich. I made homemade carrot soup in the evening too before my pancakes, but I did end up a few points over by the end of the day. I did half an hour of yoga and abs at home in the evening and discovered that I really don't like working out at home on the whole. No alcohol, and in bed by 11.
I haven't got a lot of food in the flat at the moment, so I scavenged together scrambled eggs on toast for breakfast this morning, which seems to be keeping the munchies at bay so far. I've got the leftover soup with a sandwich for lunch, and I bought in the remaining slice of millionaire shortbread that was tormenting me from the fridge and gave it to my friends. Gym tonight after work for a cardio blast, then I'm being cooked for by Bridget - I've already pointed it up.
Wish me good karma that I see something positive to encourage me to keep going sometime soon! Otherwise I might lose the will to keep doing this!!
-- Posted from my iPhone
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