Tuesday, 22 March 2011

Aspects of Self-esteem

OK, I'm officially rubbish - I started this post yesterday and never got round to finish - there's a few of those knocking around in my drafts box at the moment - must do better!

It's funny isn't it, how we can have such conflicting opinions of ourselves.  My feelings about myself, whilst changing all the time, also range between the emotional responses and the logical assessments - it's just a shame I can't iron them out into one overall opinion!

How is it possible for us to have positive objective series of thoughts about ourselves, and then somehow come back to an overall negative subjective opinion? It just doesn't make sense!

Have an example if you will - I have, at various points over the last week had the following thoughts:
  • I have a great curve from my waist to my hips;
  • My legs looked great in my city shorts on Saturday night;
  • All my features are int he right place and a nice / shape proportion (yeah, don't laugh - I do think that way) - my face is "pretty";
  • My hair looks great;
  • Proportionally, I look a pretty healthy weight these days - I'm a normal size;
  • Although smaller than it used to be, my wardrobe contains a good mix these days and I dress well, and I'm great at accessorising (just going on what people tell me - honest!); and
  • I come across as confident, friendly and outgoing (again - this is feedback from other people).
So please explain to me, People of Wisdom, why it is that I still think of myself as unattractive in an overall fashion, and am convinced there is something heinously wrong with me.  Please.  Anybody?

And when I say "unattractive", I do mean actively "unattractive", rather than just neutrally not "attractive", if you follow me.

I am at my wit's end - for all the positive talking I do to myself, pointing out my advantages and good points, after professional councelling and endless reassurance from friends, acquaintances and near-strangers alike (until they're blue in the face, poor things), I still can't move from my default setting.

And annoyingly, when I pin down the source of my conviction, it's bloody men.  Doesn't matter that everyone else in the world (ignore the slight exaggeration, please) thinks I'm fine, it would appear that my mind is fixated on the one point that there isn't one specific someone telling me that.  Gaaaaaaaah!!!! 

I have in fact, recently given up men.  For the benefit of the last two remaining shreds of my sanity (one of which is already severely frayed), I have gone cold-turkey on dating.  I am trying very hard to move away from my dependency on external validation that I am allowed to love myself.

I felt great at the beginning of this year when I was seeing London Boy for a while, and now feel worse after being dumped.  But mostly I dislike that I've allowed it to get to me.

Can anyone please give me suggestions on how to get it into my concrete-density head that I am in fact, just fine.  Anyone??



Linz M said...

I actually really don't have any words of wisdom for you, because I am quite the opposite, in fact I am probably too confident - hence my inability to change at the moment. Possibly worse than a lack of self esteem - I don't know?!

I do understand where you are coming from about the validation from a man however, I think that is perhaps kind of natural? A few years ago when I was single, I felt the need to bound from disastrous liaison to another, in a bid to bolster my self esteem. Of course it did nothing of the sort and left me feeling fairly unhappy with myself. It was actually only when I stopped messing about with ridiculous men that I learned to like myself a lot more. Not that I am saying this is what you are doing of course - just that I understand a bit where you are coming from! :)

I think you're going along the right track, stating the things you like about yourself and focussing on them. Hopefully one day, that lightbulb will switch on (whilst in the shower perhaps?) and you will realise you are, in fact, awesome :)


kate said...

hmmm, wish i had the answer to that one!! you're really not alone with these types of thoughts but it's brilliant that you can list so many positives about yourself. i bet your friends could list even more, and many that are not so 'physical'. it's not the easiest thing but i find trying to separate how you feel about your appearance and how you feel about yourself as a person helpful...