Disappointed

Yep, I'm disappointed with myself this morning. I seem to be stuck in a little self-sabotage loop at the moment, and every time I'll say I'll eat better today I seem to get a little worse instead.

Take yesterday - I ate well up to mid-afternoon. I left the office several hours later than intended on my Friday afternoon off, and rushed off to an optician's appointment in town with points still in hand for dinner out with Jo. I met up with Jo, and after a bit of hunting round (it seemed to be ridiculously busy in town last night), we settled on a very nice Italian restaurant.

I made a halfway good choice for dinner - tagliatelle with chicken, mushrooms, and a tomato-y sauce, but with a bit of cream in. Ok. Not the absolute best I could have picked, but ok. Then I ordered garlic bread. With cheese. Kinda going down hill, as I didn't have the points for it, but not an absolute deal breaker, and would have been fine if I'd stopped there.

After dinner, we wandered along to the Victorian Christmas market down the street. And bought fudge. Now, this should be a clue to me how far off the beaten path my mind has wandered, as fudge is like my own personal crack - I can't not eat it. Had a few chunks, left the rest alone.

Afterward we'd said our goodbyes, I meandered home, and popped round to see the boys who were having a bit of a geeky boardgames night with friends. Danger signs flashing in neon on the edge of my vision, as I decided to take the vodka and slimline tonic with me and have a drink or 2. No points for this .... again, not a deal breaker in terms of points, but just not needed. What was I thinking???

Suffice it to say that all control went right out the window at round about this point, and I then stuffed my face with about 4 slices of Pizza Express thin-crust pizza (prob about 3 or 4 points a slice?), Jelly Babies (god knows how many points) and 2 small slices of home-made apple cake (don't even want to think about it). Like the genius I am, I then proceeded to stay up til 6.30am this morning drinking vodka and watching films with Jon.

WHY??????

So this morning, I'm tired, but can't sleep, cranky, kicking myself, and wondering where the hell my head is at????

I'm due off to London at some point fairly shortly for a night out, and I'm pretty sure that my lack of sleep (about 2 hours??) is going to catch up and majorly kick me in the ass shortly.

And what's with the eating. Why on earth would I continue to stuff my face with junk yesterday, when I've just had to report a small gain that morning because I've already stuffed my face with junk? I just don't understand my logic, or lack there of.

Today, I'm now faced with the prospect of another night out, and a night away from home, where I've got to try and get my head back in the game. It's not there yet. How can I tell? The fact that the open packet of fudge is next to me and I've been nibbling from it this morning is probably an awesome clue.

*Closes packet and moves it away before I just say fuck it and finish it off*

I don't like where my head is. I want to get these last 18 lbs kicked, and this is not the way to do it. Here's my promise to you - today I will practice moderation, like I certainly didn't practice it yesterday. I'm not sure that I'll be able to do today under points, as I am out drinking with the boys, but I will think things through, and make conscious decisions. I ate all the crap yesterday, so it's not like I'm denying myself anything I haven't had in ages.

Time to go and have a shower, put some washing through, and find something sensible to have for lunch (I've missed breakfast now). Do half an hour or so on my "project", pack my stuff and go. I will make good choices for dinner tonight, and not go nuts with the drinking.

That's my plan. I'll report in tomorrow.

Ooooh - and thanks to Kate for the Ronhill recommendation for my winter kit - had a look on Wiggle yesterday, and the prices were much more sensible than what I'd been looking at before!