Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Awww pants

In my usual manner of approaching life - no sooner have I had a giant wallow in the self-pity pool and a punched myself in the face for my guilt (metaphorically speaking of course) than I bounce back.

You can't keep a Sue down!

So, following the most wise advice of yesterday's lovely commenters (the fabulous Peddling Polarcherry and Anni - hi guys) I sucked it up. I was due for a spin class last night but oddly the hills in the last of the evening sun looked too tempting. So as soon as I got home, on went the running kit, and out the door I went.

Same starting point as Friday but a hillier start - I went up and over the ridgeline for a change. Slightly tired legs from Friday (they're trying to remember what this "running" thing is I'm asking them to do), but a nice evening and very quiet up there - just 2 other runners and a pair of dog-walkers to keep me company.

5k later I came back down feeling happier, if more tired and sweaty. Still slow, but at least fairly consistent and once my legs had warmed up I started to enjoy it a bit.

Here's a question though? Given that I do quite a lot of outdoor / sports activities, I've accumulated a fair amount of tech kit by now. And when I say a fair amount I mean that everything I wear, head to toe is sports / activity designed - wicking fabrics, sports cut, etc.

Apart from my pants!

Not so much a problem for running, or the gym, although an hour of kicking the shit out of an imaginary opponent does tend to test the positioning powers of most pants, but long bike rides and walks - not so nice. You get a bit hot, a bit sweaty or rained on - everything else dries out leaving you with damp knickers - lovely!

So - advice please, because I know there's some of you hard-core cases out there and I'm hoping you're going to tell me good news on this front (behind?) :-)

After the run I was back home, a veg-heavy dinner and an evening with a trashy book and the Internet. Happier.


(warning - stop here if you're only after the happy, shiny stuff ... it gets weird ahead)

I also spent a bit of time yesterday looking at local councilling services. I'm aware, although it might not always come across on here, that I have a history of destructive or just plain odd behaviours from time to time. Most of the time I catch myself before they're a problem or can control them, and I can squash my concern regarding them, but they're still there. When I have a bad day like yesterday though, I feel like maybe I should talk to someone about them.

I don't know if they're displacement activities or controlling behaviours, or something else, but I know they're weird.

The eating, leading to weight gain, is just the tip of the iceburg. I'm careful around alcohol, avoid more than occasional gambling and don't touch drugs or cigarettes because I have a tendency towards an addictive personality. I obsess. If I didn't have such a strong gag reflex I'd probably have been bulimic years ago. I've toyed with laxatives to control weight loss, but thankfully, care too much for what it might do to my body.

More worryingly, I harmed myself in minor ways as a teenager, and have had flash impulses to do crazy things like drive off the road to see what would happen. I don't always respond to situations with the emotions you'd expect - especially my responses to guilt and grief situations and I often feel emotionally detached. I used to hide in dark corners as a child because I literally found them physically comforting and probably still would if that wasn't such a weird thing for an adult to do. I often wake up totally disorientated and don't know where I am for a good minute or so (frightening).

In short - I think my brain might be wired a bit wrong! Normally, I can squash all of that down and act like a normal person should, but occasionally I think I'd love to know what the hell is behind it all, if anything. Obviously none of it is individually serious enough to stop me leading a normal life, but I worry that as is strip away some of the protective behaviours like the over-eating I run out of places to hide from myself.

So I got some names of local councillers yesterday. Just not quite sure I'm ready to use them yet.

Whoah - that got deep.

- Posted from my iPhone


jumbly said...

On the pants side of the post. I wear either Haglofs Active Boxers http://www.peteblandsports.co.uk/products/haglofs-ladies-active-boxer-ss10.htm?brand=1 or a pair of Merino pants, I've got some made by Ibex and some by howies. I would never go back to cotton pants for PE. But cotton pants absolutely the best thing to put on after a shower after sport.

I read on past the warning of it getting weird! And I think that took some guts to post about your general mental health. Seems to me that you're making the right steps towards addressing things.

Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Hey, I think there's no shame in getting some professional help and talking through your issues. It's just as important as taking care of your body...

Zanna, travelling tart said...

Brave lady - takes a lot of strength to explore the inner person and then put them out for all to see. I'm a huge advocate of counsellors - it's a wonderful feeling to not so much share as dump all your worries on someone else - and that's only the beginning. But ultimately it's all about you - would you feel better if you knew more about this inner you and what makes them tick - if so then go for it. Zxx