I made the decision yesterday to stop procrastinating and make the call to a counsellor. I found that the decision to pick up the phone was easy enough in the end, but I was surprisingly emotional as I waited for the answerphone to kick in. I guess I find it upsetting that I'm having to turn to someone else for help as I hate doing it, even with close friends. Upsetting enough that I found myself at a loss for words and with a wobble in my voice as I left my details.
Whilst I have never thought to judge anyone else for seeking this kind of help, just a sympathy for whatever situation has bought them to that place, I never thought it would be me, and now I feel like a failure for not being able to deal with my own life.
I caught up with the counsellor later and made an appointment for 1 July as we were struggling to make our diaries match (family commitments for me this week and holiday for her next week).
I went home afterwards and I ate. Not unhealthily but more than I needed. Just comforting.
Typically, once the appointment was made I started to think that I'd over-reacted and didn't really have a reason to see her - equilibrium returning again. I know I do have stuff I could do with talking through, but suspect I'll be tempted to downplay everything initially, but then reasoned that if nothing else I have various guilt and self-esteem issues that could definitely do with an airing.
Looking at my life it's probably no wonder I'm teetering:
• my mum died 3 years ago, and I had to hold my Dad together. I'm not sure that I ever really grieved properly - I'd just started a brand new job (she died on my 3rd day), I was studying every weekend at college for my accountancy finals, and I'd hidden from a lot of my friends how bad her illness had been. Over the next 3 months I had just two days off work / college and in between I was revising frantically, organising the funeral, and supporting Dad. Time to think didn't come top of the list. And I didn't want to. I haven't visited the grave since the day we buried her - I don't want to face it.
• I worry about my Dad and the way our relationship has changed. He's depressed, morbidly so, and has had health problems and an extreme aversion to visiting doctors. He's withdrawn and lonely, but what I feel is resentment and guilt. Not good.
• For the last 3.5 years I've had high pressure jobs with a fair amount of overtime and long commutes morning and night. I don't love them and recently I've been reduced to crying in the toilets at work as well as the constant uncertainty and poisonous atmosphere of repeated redundancy / takeover crises.
• I'm imminently jobless in 12 weeks. Through my own choice, admittedly, but it's still a worry.
• My money's a mess. Not having a job in 12 weeks is not helping my piece of mind.
• Im terrible at saying no to anything. My need to feel wanted by my friends drives to accept every invite I receive, so I end up running from pillar to post trying fit everything in and disappointing people as I go. I'm exhausted and don't get enough sleep and I'm late to stuff because when I do get to sit down all I want is an hour or so to myself.
• Im struggling to come to terms with my weight loss. My self-image and self-esteem are all over the place. It didn't solve all the problems I thought it would.
• I've cleverly ploughed myself into a stupid man-related situation. Believe me when I say I'm trying to find the way out without hurting anyone, but it's unfinished business at the moment.
Other than that I'm determined to succeed with life!
My eating's fine today - I have a veritable fruit salad on my desk - and I'm debating what to do this evening.
EDIT - before anyone thinks I'm an ungrateful wretch I should just like to say that I realise I also have a lot to be thankful for: that I still have my dad at all, that I'm healthy and have managed to lose some weight, that I have a fabulous bunch of friends and a social life that lots of people would be envious of. I'm not badly paid by any means, I have a nice roof over my head and the opportunities to travel. More than anything I need the counselling to learn how to appreciate and be happy with what I have.
- Posted from my iPhone
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