Wednesday, 19 May 2010


I know I generally talk more on here about what I'm doing and how, rather than the whys, and the touchy-feely stuff.

Right now, though, I'm having a mini-crisis. I feel like I've lost control of everything, and with that has gone the feeling of security I've built around being me.

In short, I'm worried about money, I'm worried about my job (although I'm working on sorting that one), I feel like my dreams are drifting slowly out of my reach, and worse I feel an apathy about that - that this is the best it will ever get. That's more depressing than I can tell you.

I worry I'll be single forever, and then I question what's wrong with me that that is the case (and why I appear to have "Other Woman" tattoo'd on my forehead in big inviting letters), I'm scared at the moment that the dynamics of my friendship group seems to be changing frighteningly fast and I can't decide whether to cling on and try and keep things as they were or run before I'm pushed. The group that has been my safety net and my comfort zone for so long feels like a group of strangers at the moment. Or maybe that's me and I'm the stranger - left behind whilst everyone else moves forwards.

For the last 5 years, Malvern has truly been home for me - spiritually as well as physically, because I felt liked, loved and safe there. I wouldn't leave, even when I seriously considered it, because so many of my friends were there, and I wanted to stay close to my Dad.

So how do I now feel so claustrophobic? Is it a passing thing or permanent?

In the midst of all that introspection, I'm realising that the only thing I can hope to control at the moment is my weight; my exercise and my eating. I can at least make something positive out of that.

I've been trying to break out in the last couple of weeks and spend time with other friends and keep myself busy, to alleviate the dependency on my Malvern friends. It's worked in part, but I still need to do more, as I'm not ready to face the big decisions yet.

In between that I can focus on the control of my eating though. It's like the opposite of emotional eating - trying to strip away all the emotion I'm feeling - sad, lonely, depressed, scared, nostalgic and a little bit paranoid - and focusing on eating for health.

Yesterday wasn't quite as perfect as I'd have liked (damned shortbread and I've still not quite conquered the boredom eating) and I was about 6 pts over, but there were big positive points. I was honest with my tracking where I wanted to deny it, and I avoided my usual pitfalls at the cinema last night (pic'n'mix) in favour of a little bag of Maltesers bought from home.

Iron Man 2 provided a couple of hours of welcome distraction from reality which I needed. And I discovered I'll be needing a new denim mini-skirt soon - it's too big when you can remove it without unzipping and unbuttoning.

In the meantime I'm still fighting the scales, still hovering just above where I want to be. Still battling.

Apologies for the epic wallow - there's a lot going on in my head and my life at the moment. Normal service will no doubt be resumed at some point.

Please don't trip over the chaos on your way through!

- Posted from my iPhone


Zanna, travelling tart said...

Sometimes it just helps to see your fears and concerns written down - I think it normalises them rather than them being huge floaty things in your head. Good luck with your decision making - and you're allowed to wallow with us here whenever you feel the need. Zxx

Debs said...

I agree with Zanna, often it is possible to find order in the chaos, by seeing it in black and white.
Its a big step forward in being where you want to be, because you are recognising the things you perceive to be possible obstacles to your happiness.

You know, its ok to wallow, just dont let it become all consuming.
Give yourself a time limit then when that time is up, resolve to tackle the things that are getting you down, in order of importance. No doubt some of the things on your list, are linked with others, so if you tackle the ones that are getting you down the most, you may find your list is suddenly a lot shorter without trying.

I'll shut up now ;o)

Linz M said...

I went through exactly the same thing as you a few years ago - which resulted in me moving to Prague. I am not suggesting emigrating, but sometimes you just need a change of scenery for a bit to reassess your life.

I agree with the others, it definitely helps to write it all down - good luck with whatever you decide!


Pedalling Polarcherry said...

Hope you get through to the other side soon.
ps. i love reading your blog. your so funny i don;'t know why blokes aren't flocking to you!

Nona said...

Oh hon {{{Hugs}}} sorry you're having a hard time at the moment. When things begin to shift and change it can be very very hard and frightening. I think focusing on the things you can control (like exercise and food is a good idea) and maybe some meditation would help ease the anxiety.