I know I generally talk more on here about what I'm doing and how, rather than the whys, and the touchy-feely stuff.
Right now, though, I'm having a mini-crisis. I feel like I've lost control of everything, and with that has gone the feeling of security I've built around being me.
In short, I'm worried about money, I'm worried about my job (although I'm working on sorting that one), I feel like my dreams are drifting slowly out of my reach, and worse I feel an apathy about that - that this is the best it will ever get. That's more depressing than I can tell you.
I worry I'll be single forever, and then I question what's wrong with me that that is the case (and why I appear to have "Other Woman" tattoo'd on my forehead in big inviting letters), I'm scared at the moment that the dynamics of my friendship group seems to be changing frighteningly fast and I can't decide whether to cling on and try and keep things as they were or run before I'm pushed. The group that has been my safety net and my comfort zone for so long feels like a group of strangers at the moment. Or maybe that's me and I'm the stranger - left behind whilst everyone else moves forwards.
For the last 5 years, Malvern has truly been home for me - spiritually as well as physically, because I felt liked, loved and safe there. I wouldn't leave, even when I seriously considered it, because so many of my friends were there, and I wanted to stay close to my Dad.
So how do I now feel so claustrophobic? Is it a passing thing or permanent?
In the midst of all that introspection, I'm realising that the only thing I can hope to control at the moment is my weight; my exercise and my eating. I can at least make something positive out of that.
I've been trying to break out in the last couple of weeks and spend time with other friends and keep myself busy, to alleviate the dependency on my Malvern friends. It's worked in part, but I still need to do more, as I'm not ready to face the big decisions yet.
In between that I can focus on the control of my eating though. It's like the opposite of emotional eating - trying to strip away all the emotion I'm feeling - sad, lonely, depressed, scared, nostalgic and a little bit paranoid - and focusing on eating for health.
Yesterday wasn't quite as perfect as I'd have liked (damned shortbread and I've still not quite conquered the boredom eating) and I was about 6 pts over, but there were big positive points. I was honest with my tracking where I wanted to deny it, and I avoided my usual pitfalls at the cinema last night (pic'n'mix) in favour of a little bag of Maltesers bought from home.
Iron Man 2 provided a couple of hours of welcome distraction from reality which I needed. And I discovered I'll be needing a new denim mini-skirt soon - it's too big when you can remove it without unzipping and unbuttoning.
In the meantime I'm still fighting the scales, still hovering just above where I want to be. Still battling.
Apologies for the epic wallow - there's a lot going on in my head and my life at the moment. Normal service will no doubt be resumed at some point.
Please don't trip over the chaos on your way through!
- Posted from my iPhone
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