Tuesday, 14 December 2010

I suck

I would just like to go on record as saying that I categorically suck.

WTF is wrong with me??? 

I’ve just ballsed up another perfectly good day, and if sticking your fingers down your throat weren’t such an unhealthily bad thing to do (and if I had some kind of useful gag reflex) then I’d be right there doing that now.  I feel shit.

I left work with what should have been a perfect number of points for dinner, but in dropping in at the supermarket I had a sudden craving for sushi, so I grabbed a pack of California Rolls.  Fine, but instead of having those for dinner, I wolfed them down as a bloody appetiser, and then proceeded to have dinner after that.  Admittedly, dinner wasn’t anything crazy (woooooooo – poached eggs and mushrooms on an English muffin – you cer-razy girl!), but the point is I knew I didn’t have the points for both and still ate them.  And then I ate half a bloody pot of Ben & Jerry’s frozen yoghurt.

Why am I so intent on undoing all my good work at the moment?????????

It’s driving me nuts!  I have one good day, followed by several bad days.  And all the exercise in the world isn’t going to negate that!  (Well, all the exercise in the world might, but obviously I’m not doing that).

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah – I’m so frustrated with myself.

I was doing so freaking well just before I moved, within touching distance of goal finally – just on the verge of those last 10lbs, and now I seem to be unravelling like a ball of wool that the kitten’s just hit.  Which is to say at an alarming rate of knots.  And I hate it.

I don’t know if I’m acting out with my eating habits because I’m feeling the stress of leaving my friends and moving to a new city, or what it is, but I just want it to stop.  I want to stop.  I want to stop making theses stupid mistakes, and the stupid excuses too. 

I feel gross.  I feel fat again.  I feel self-loathing. And yes, damn it, I’m wallowing in it right now.

Help.  Me.


Zanna said...

It's OK - we control freaks - and I'm one too - get really upset when we feel we've lost control - and sometimes although we know what we should do - there's a bit of us that just isn't listening. I know how annoying and scary this is - but just keep on trying your damnedest to hang on to a thread of sense and it WILL come right again. It's that old chestnut - just fake it till you make it! as long as you keep doing that you might mark time for a while but you won't go too far wrong. Zxx

Seren said...

Don't underestimate what a massive upheaval can do to a person - you're out of your comfort zone at the moment. Faking it till you make it sounds like a good plan to me. And, for the sake of perspective, what are these lapses like in comparison to an "old days" lapse? If you think about that you'll realise that you've come a long way and you CAN make that final goal.


Lizzie said...

AND you have reeeeeeeally upped your weights training Sue...don't forget that! I noticed my appetite go up loads when I started pt.

Who can you make yourself accountable to for the troffin??

tweeeeeet me! x