Wednesday, 10 June 2009

Having a heart to heart with myself

Ok - honestly, I'm now feeling a little bit disappointed with myself. I updated my tracker spreadsheet that I (geekily) keep to monitor my progress, and it's become quite clear to me that I'm slowly slipping in my goals.

When I started the tracker back in Feb or thereabouts, I looked to be well on the way to getting to goal by the time I go to Egypt in November. In fact, it looked like I would get there at the beginning of November, giving me a couple of weeks leeway. Now the projection is that I won't get there til pretty much the end of the year.

I know this doesn't sound much, but if that keeps sliding away it'll be well in to next year before I get there, or I just won't get there at all. Looking back through my posts on here, I can see a common theme emerging. And it sounds remarkably like this:
  • Yeah!! I'm totally going to reach this goal, x, at by this week, y!!!! Yeah!!!!
  • Oh, well, actually, this social event, z, got in the way, but never mind, because I can still totally make it. Yeah!!!
  • Oh man - I'm totally going to have to pull my socks up to make that target. But I can do it. I can be that good. Honestly. Yeah.
  • So I might have slipped up a little. I didn't quite make it. I know I promised I would, and I know I planned it all out, but it's ok, because I had a really good time doing whatever it was that seemed more important instead. And there's always next time.
  • In fact I'm going to make another goal right now!!! And go back to step 1.

I know that I am making progress of a sorts - but I go through too many phases where my efforts are altogether too half-assed. And I am waaaay too good at making excuses for myself. After all - I've had 28 years to practice it.

Wouldn't it be good if there were easy ways to keep ourselves on track.

  • An electronic shock from the scales if you don't get a loss of some sort.
  • Speaking scales that not just announce your weight, but also any gains in an obnoxiously loud voice. That way it won't make any difference if you lock yourself away in the bathroom as your neighbours will be rooting for you to make the damn loss every week anyway!
  • A treadmill that won't actually stop and let you off until you've done the required amount of exercise.
  • TV that won't come on / stay on unless you're doing some form of exercise
  • Curfew 5 nights a week - actually enforced by some independent third party, complete with prison-ankle-tracker-type arrangement.
  • Your friends won't actually let you go on holiday until you've met the target you set!

This last one is the killer for me. I'm heading off to Scotland with friends in 5 and a half weeks. When I did my original tracker, I was supposed to be under 13 stone by then. I was so damn excited about that. And yet here I am - 5 weigh ins to go before I leave, and still struggling to get into the 13's, never mind back out of them.

How many times have I written in this blog about how amazed and grateful I am that I haven't given up yet? Answer: More than a few. But does 90% effort really count? How about 75% or 50%? Because that's what's happening most weeks. I can honestly say that I can't think of a single week where I've had a 100% perfect week. I'm not even sure there was one right at the very beginning, it's just that when you're starting out, your body is a lot more forgiving of your little slips, because it's still in shock that you're doing anything at all!!

So, yet again, I think I need to go back to basics. To taking every day one at a time. Trying to eat the right things, move my ass a bit, and not let the weekends sneak up behind me and smack me round the back of the head. Because apparently, that's all a bit harder than I make it sound!

This is now my 4th week stuck at this weight - hovering just about 14 stone. I'm so excited to get into the 13's and yet somehow I'm not getting there. I got to 14st 3lbs. Then I stayed there for a week. Then I dropped 2lbs. Then I put a lb back on. Enough of this namby-pamby watery version of WW's. The only way I'm going to get there is to do it properly. Because I do not want to fail at yet another thing. And, yes, by failing I am including do it in a completely half-assed kind of way and getting there later than everybody else. For once in my life, I WILL be successful at this. Damn it - I REFUSE to give in on this point!


Enigmanda said...

Ya know....I coulda written this!!
My issue? Exercise!!

I say "Yeah, I must do more....I will do x, y, z this week...."
Friday comes "Awe, exercise done....I must sort something for next week...."

Food wise, I am spot on, but all the rest.....humm....
And I sit and whine about 1 pound coming off at a time, when everyone else is bragging about 4's and 5's!!

But, you know, you are SUCH an active person, that as soon as you get your head around the food are going to absolutely fly!!

*crosses fingers for you* I KNOW you CAN do this!!


Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit said...

Goals are all well and good, but you need to take the long view on this. You've got a lifetime to go, and the good choices you make today are going to pay dividends tomorrow. Just keep doing what you know you should be doing. It's all good.

Jaframity said...

First off, 90% effort does count. All effort counts if it's more than 0%, so take heart. It might not get you there at the speed that you want, but it will get you there. I don't think that a couple of weeks or so of consolidating the loss you already have does any harm, though I really understand your frustration. Now you are ready to get your ass back in gear and get into the zone again. I love how feisty you sound. With that attitude you'll have no problems.
I totally agree it would be fab if any of those stay on track methods were really available to us, to get someone or something else to take on some of the responsibility for, and bloody hard work that goes into, losing weight. Sadly for us all, it just doesn't work that way. *sigh* :(