Back on track thinking

When I first started Weight Watchers, I was avid about tracking my points, earning bonus points, doing a little bit of exercise anywhere I could in my day, just to see those bonus points tick up.

I found an intense satisfaction in activity, because I could really see how moving my body actually counted for something in my battle of the bulge.

Similarly, there was actually a satisfaction is denying myself something small or substituting for something more healthy so I could see my points total go into credit over the course of the week.

Inevitably, that thrill dulled as I started to plod through the middle part of weight loss. The novelty of losing weight was gone, and the end still seemed sooooo far away. I still ticked off milestones here and there, but it was more of a routine than a ground-breaking exercise.

Around Christmas, I pepped up - finally feeling like I was within sight of the end goal. 4 stone gone, and I was on the verge of having less than a stone to go to my goal.

One word: skiing.

A fabulous holiday, where I definitely felt all the benefits of my loss: ski kit that fitted easily, increased fitness, decreased self-consciousness, increased confidence in my abilities, happy enough to stick a bikini on and run through the snow and clamber into the hot-tub in front of virtual strangers (and mostly guys).

I also ate like a pig for a week - copying everyone else - after all I was the same as them now - and paid for it with a half stone gain on my return.

I confidently assumed it would drop off on my return, like my previous holidays during my Weight Watchers journey, but I didn't refind my tracking form. Whilst I didn't get any heavier, I didn't get any lighter either.

I cheated with my food - I'd give up on weekends (and occasional weekdays), and with such huge deficits on points I got used to finishing the week that way. I gave up on trying to catch up my points after a blowout, and stopped viewing the activity as a way to help that.

I still worked out, but more erratically, although I still felt fairly fit. I did some long walks and felt fine, so convinced myself I was still improving.

I started not tracking properly, as I got so fed up of seeing the massive points deficits ... or I'd just not track at all.

I maintained, because I refused to give up totally, but got frustrated at my lack of progress. Why couldn't I lose anything? I mean, I was still pointing(ish) and exercising, but it took a while to admit that I was also lying to myself, and letting food fly under the radar wasn't helping anyone, least of all me.

It's taken a long while to pick myself out of this funk, and I'm frustrated with myself that I've left it this long. Not least, because I'm going on the trip of a lifetime in less than 3 weeks, and I'm still a long way from goal, and not as comfortable with myself as I was.

I've spent the last couple of weeks pulling together the old habits, and this weekend I finally pulled something out the bag I was proud of. Last night, I added another day to that.

I got home from work, and did something I haven't done in a long time: I knew I wanted to go the cinema after work, which didn't leave much time for exercise, but I figured some running was better than none, so I put my butternut squash in the oven to roast, slung on my running gear and slogged out a half hour run, came back, grabbed my dinner, and strolled off to the cinema.

Check me out - on the way to the cinema I was working out what snack I could eat at the cinema for my points, but when I actually got the kiosk, I just got a bottle of Diet Coke - the prospect of banking some points was too tempting.

I was mildly hungry again by the time I got home, or at least craving something sweet, but passed over having dessert from the freezer to just grab a few Haribo my flatmate had left.

This is the behaviour that used to work. My points deficit this week is down to 3.5 points after the weekend. I've got circuits tonight - I'm going to make an effort to bank those activity points (and not die at circuits class). I'm trying really hard to honestly track everything I'm eating (I didn't really want to write down the Doritos on Sunday or the fudge yesterday but I did).

I want to finish in credit this week and fairly confident of a loss on the scales and the inches front. Since my scales are still in kg's only, I've finally worked out what my kg target is so I know what the heck I'm aiming for.

This feels good.

- Posted from my iPhone