Losing lb's v losing all the other rubbish

"I don't think this Lard Busting Journey is so much about busting lard as it is about busting insecurities and fears, gaining perspective and learning how to like yourself... and just to like life, really." Extract Dietgirl - 13.07.05

She's really, really right, you know.

I was very impressed yesterday when my next door neighbour said to me "You're definitely thinner. I might take the piss out of this Weight Watchers rubbish, but it does seem to work".

And he's a bloke. An actual bloke noticed a difference!

Except then I felt all uncomfortable because he was actually looking at me - kind of studying me to pinpoint the differences. And I'm very definitely not used to people looking at me. How completely bollocks is that - we lose weight so people will see us, and then curl up in a ball when they look.

We call attention to ourselves, saying "look at me - I've lost weight!!!!", pretty much jumping up and down waving at the world, and then get all embarrassed to talk about it, like it's some shameful secret, because - shhh, whisper it - we're overweight.

We're so bloody full of confused contradictions, and I'm convinced that half the time I don't actually know what I want. Notice me!! No, ignore me! Love me, respect me, admire me .... arrrgh - too much pressure, no expectations please!!!

And as for loving myself - some days I'm so impressed with myself for losing weight and making changes in myself that I can actually see, and the next day I'm sick that it's such a small dent in the mass of imperfection and can't believe I've been so feeble and ineffectual on my mission, because I should have just generally been more. Mostly, I just wish I'd started it all sooner, or never got here in the first place. Why did some kind soul not shake the teenage me by the shoulders, and yell "see what you're doing to yourself" in my ear until I listened.

It's the potentially missed opportunities that kill me. If I'd had more confidence would I have actually saved the money I made in my gap year and gone travelling round the world instead of just spending it all on nothing-in-particular. Told a guy I liked him rather that letting the opportunity go by. Put myself forward for opportunities at work, rather than watching them pass. Where would my life be now?

Hmph.

A couple of years ago, I made a vow with Jo and Lissa that I'd have a year of New Things. Basically, that I'd be more open to invitations to try new stuff, even if it was stuff that scared me. Since that time, I've tried windsurfing (and by default wearing a wetsuit in public), climbing, canyoning, snowboarding, scuba diving and dressing up like an idiot, waving good bye to all sense of decorum and going out in fancy dress.

When I was a teenager I was so shy with new people that I had horrible trouble making eye contact with strangers. One day I just decided I didn't need to be like that and I taught myself to do it.

I think my next challenge should be to learn to feel comfortable when I call attention to myself, and to have confidence in myself, my appearance and my worth. To accept compliments with a smile and believe them.

I've done this before, and I can do it with this - shame we can't automatically channel the lb's we shed straight into our confidence reserves, isn't it?