Saturday, 11 April 2009

Ups and downs

Had a good night out in Bristol last night. Stuck to my drinks decision of vodka and slimline tonic, so didn't crash the points, and felt good in myself. The top I'd taken with me to wear, which has always been a tight top before, was actually loose (well, much looser anyway) so it was nice to have my clothing tell me it's working. I also had a bizarre moment when I caught sight of myself in a full-length mirror in the ladies and thought "ooh - I actually look quite slim". Now bear in mind that this is quite relative, and I was thinking this purely in relation to how I'm used to seeing myself look, but it was a positive thought none the less.

I also noticed I was far more tactile with people last night than I would say I normally am. I don't know whether this is due to the new-found feelings of well-being, or just that I hit that rarely found point of drunkeness where the world is your friend, but it's kind of nice to just feel ... well ... nice really.

Went to catch up with friends in Bristol this morning for coffee and ended up having an early lunch with them. Probably used more points than I should have done on the meal, but I just really fancied some chips so I thought "what the heck" and had them. I did compensate at dinner-time by having a really healthy meal though - test-ran a recipe for tomato and red-pepper soup, which turned out well, and had mushrooms on toast too. Invited my neighbour round to share dinner with me, and considering he's a red-blooded carnivore through and through, even he said it tasted good despite there not being a hint of animal in sight on the plate, so I'll take that as a compliment. Spent the rest of the evening out with the girls at the cinema watching 17 Again, which was quite sweet and funny and light-hearted.

Did have one odd moment today whilst I was driving home from Bristol. I was thinking in the loosest terms about this whole slimming endeavour - think I was debating when to look for a dress for the wedding I'm going to in May and wondering how much I could realistically expect to be smaller by then - and I just had this sudden over-whelming feeling of panic and "I can't do this!!!!"

I thought at first that it was it was the eating plan itself that I was feeling this about, and as I thought about it I wondered why I should suddenly feel like that? After all, ok, there's a bit of work involved, but it's not like I'm denied anything or it's so exceedingly difficult to follow, so why the sudden feelings of imminent derailment. So I started thinking about it a little harder, and I think the panic was more linked to the prospect of changing myself - the end result, so to speak, rather than the process.

I have no idea who that person will be, and what if it doesn't bring everything I expected? What if I'm not happy, and pretty and attractive to the opposite sex (ok - you get the picture that these are ultimate goals, not actually expected - just illustrating my point). I've got being slim so linked up and intertwined with other notions in my head, like being rich, and successful, and happy and popular, that I think I was panicking at the fact that I'm potentially trying to undermine that whole belief system.

Also, I don't think I dare let myself hope that I can succeed in this. I very rarely let myself hope - I'm a creature of cold numbers, and probability and logic, and goddammit but I hate rejection and failure - so I paper over the hope with cynical reality and try not to let myself get hurt. So my brain's natural response is to scream that it can't be done, and to stop the bloody optimism now!

I think too much, especially when I'm driving and don't have too much else to occupy my attention (apart from the obvious business of keeping the car on the road). But it helps to understand even little bits of myself. I want to change, and yet I'm scared of that change - well, I suppose we all have to face our fears sometime.

So if anyone's struggled on this far - welcome to the convoluted and illogical wanderings of my mind. I'm going to have to take this one day at a time, otherwise I think my brain's going to explode!

No comments: