Wednesday, 15 April 2009

My gripes for the day.

I'm not feeling overly motivated to write today, and to be honest I'm feeling a bit whiny too.

Here's what's on my mind:

  1. Why am I so blinking paranoid? About pretty much everything? The FD at work wandered over while I was on lunch and asked if I could pop into her office when I'd finished so she could "run a couple of things past me". Instantly I assumed I was in trouble for something, my heart started beating really fast, and I couldn't sit there and enjoy the rest of my lunch and my book in peace, so ended up just getting up and going to see her. Turned out all she wanted was to sound me out on whether I had any preference which team I ended up in after the re-organisation we're about to have. It's the same as when I was out at the weekend - out enjoying the sunshine in a short skirt, oh my god - there's a bunch of teenagers up ahead, what if they start yelling abuse at me or laughing at my short skirt? Quick, walk past with your head held high. March, march, march. Phew. They didn't say anything. Let's face it - they probably didn't notice anything. Note to self - please remember, the world does not revolve around me. Nobody cares and nobody's looking.
  2. Why am I never satisfied with what I've got? My neighbour Jon has just texted to say he's got the new job he applied for, and I'm really pleased for him. I also hear the whiny little voice in the back of me head, saying but I want a job like that, mine's not as good. Gaaaaaaah!!! It doesn't matter what I've got - the grass is always greener. Drives me freakin' nuts being like this, but I don't know how to stop!!! When I was 15 stone something, all I could think was how much better it would feel to be in the 14's. Now in the top end of the 14's and all I can think is how I need to be in the 13's because where I am isn't good enough. When will this madness end? Will I get to 11 st 6lb - my current goal, and go "nah - not good enough"? That way lies eating disorders, me thinks! And a lot of misery. And disappointment in life.
  3. Why am I so easily distracted? Blessed with a butterfly mind would be putting it mildly. I'd quite like to do some work today, but I'm buggered if I can concentrate on any of the things I need to do. I think maybe I need blinkers. In fact, I'm amazed I'm still managing to stay focused on WW's as usually I'd have got bored and wandered off to do something more interesting by now ...
  4. And why can't I log into my credit card so I can pay my bill???????

Other than that the day is going just swimmingly. I had a weird-ass dream last night that my teeth were falling out one at a time. Fecking hate that as they're so vivid I had to stop and check in the mirror when I woke up that they were all still there. Haven't had one like that for a while now - I could actually feel that horrible fleshy gap with my tongue where they'd been and couldn't stop pushing the ones that were loose.


Not been feeling too hungry today as had a nice hearty breakfast of porridge (well, golden syrup Oatso Simple) with chopped banana and some rolls with turkey for lunch. Hopefully, that will keep me going till after spinning this evening. You never know, I might even be able to get the cleats on my new shoes before class so I can actually use them this week - why am I so totally disorganised that having not had the time to do them before last week's class, I leave them a full week so I have to rush before this week's class. I'm a disaster, I'm telling you!

'Nough said.


Lorr74 said...

Hey, I have that dream all the time, I have read a few meanings - one is lack of self esteem (go figure!!) & another was the start of something new in your life. I really enjoy reading your blog as most of the stuff your thinking, I am too! xx

starfish264 said...

Aaaah - thanks!!! I'm always amazed anyone manages to follow my stream-of-consciousness style of mumblings, but then I love reading other peoples, so I guess it takes all sorts! x

Enigmanda said...

"Butterfly Mind"...That so describes me too!!
I have half finished jobs all over the place, and I rarely stick to anything without doing a detour!!

Stay motivated!! you are doing great!!

(Oh, I added you, hope that's ok? xx)