Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Meanderings of the mind

I've had one of the mornings when i just feel continuously hungry. These are the times when I struggle with staying on plan, because before Weight Watchers I'd have just eaten until I wasn't hungry any more, and of course now I have to be always thinking about my points.

The problem is that hunger makes me grouchy. Especially at work when it's hard to distract yourself from it. And once I'm grouchy and starting to struggle with it, I start to get depressed about what a long road this is.

I was also musing over the pressure to conform to society's standards this morning. And how these can be applied from the oddest of sources. I love my friends to bits, and they would never dream of judging me for my weight (or at least if they do, they would never dreaming of letting me know that they do), and they are never less than supportive unless I'm being stupid, in which case they tell me so.

But they seem to have it in their heads that because they are all in couples, then I must (want to) be too. I don't know exactly where this stems from, if they think that it's something I really want and just don't mention to them, and most of the time they leave the subject alone, but once in a while it gets bought up, and I find it so ... well, all most demeaning? Belittling? God, I don't even know. It always makes me question all my own values too. While it is something I'd like one day, I'm not in any hurry to jump into a relationship just for the heck of it, but then I start thinking, maybe I'm wrong and I should want to.

Saturday night, sat at a table predominantly filled with couples (8 of the 10 at dinner), and I found myself on the receiving end of relentless (good-natured) teasing about my fitness buddy, Ed. Constant questions about whether he's single, and why haven't I asked him if he is. Whether I like him, and if we flirt. They can't seem to get past the fact that I have a one-on-one relationship with a guy, that's not based on a "relationship".

And what's wrong with me being single? I feel like quoting Bridget Jones, when she's asked at the dinner table what's wrong with her, and she replies that actually she's green and scaly under her clothes. The pressure to be coupled up is overwhelming sometimes. The 10th person at the dinner table on Sat night was my neighbour Sid, who's also currently single, and though they don't say it outright, I swear they can think of no better situation than the two of us getting together (never going to happen incidentally), as that would be a fabulously tidy solution as far as they're concerned.

Ever felt like the spectre at the feast anyone?

It got worse later in the evening when we got to the club, where I had one of those sudden out-of-body perspectives on myself where I saw it as it was - 4 very happy, slightly drunk and smoochy couples ... and me.

This is what happens when you spend too much time around couples!!!

The truth is that if I truly met someone I thought was worth it, I probably would jump in there like a shot. Right after I'd had my usual bout of nerves and commitment-phobia and tried running away first. Or maybe the commitment-phobia is just a symptom of not having met that person yet - my sub-conscious saving me from myself. That's not the point. The point is that I don't see the point in compromising. I also don't see me finding the kind of guy I'd like and him actually liking me back, but we'll gloss over that point, and put it down to appearance-related insecurities. Back to my original point on compromise - I just wish my friends would see that too and accept it,and stop badgering me.

On a different note - I think I've just had the biggest possible motivation for the next few months handed to me on a plate. Bigger even than the wedding and seeing the ex-friend and (shallowly) wanting to rub her nose in it. Some emails arrived this morning proposing a 10 year school reunion in the summer. And god help me, but as much as I accept how I look and can usually make the best of it / appreciate the good bits / put the bad bits in perspective (I've got all my limbs etc), I do NOT want to see people I haven't seen since school looking like this. I wasn't anything amazing at school - I was around the 12 stone mark even then, and I certainly lacked a lot in confidence, and didn't really learn the art of dressing to flatter myself and have fun until uni, but I'd hate for them to think I'd just let myself go.

Stupid, competitive, school full of stupid, beautiful, intelligent, rich girls and boys**. I'm telling you it's enough to give anyone a complex.

** The above rant clearly excludes my friends who I'm still in contact with. Clearly they do still fall into the above category, and frequently give me a complex. But I forgive them. Because I like them.

Most of the time :o)

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