My skinny jeans ain't skinny any more

And actually, I'm a bit gutted about it. I mean, it's nice that they're getting baggier, because obviously that means I'm getting smaller, but at the same time, there's nothing more damaging to your self-esteem (well, to my self-esteem anyway) than traipsing round in clothes that don't fit properly. It's like wearing clothes that are too small - I just feel really self-conscious!

I'm honestly going to try and go through my wardrobe this weekend and start to clear it out. Now I know I've been promising this for the last couple of weekends, but I really and truly finally have a quiet weekend in front of me for a change, and even if I get invited places, I'm absolutely flat, stony broke til I get paid on Monday, so I shan't be doing a lot of going out. I mean, literally, my bank will not let me withdraw any more money - ooops!

I do think however, that de-cluttering my wardrobe is going to be a bit traumatic. I am a girl who likes to shop. Every little thing I buy is like a little bit of confidence, a little bit of affirmation of self-worth, and my armour against the world. Which really makes me an emotional shopper I guess, in the way some people are emotional eaters. My point is that I have an emotional attachment to all the lovely things I've collected in my wardrobe, I mean they're so pretty!!!! I have spent a lot of time and energy building up that collection, especially as I'm a girl who likes to dress well, in whichever persona I pull on for the day (smart, chic, surfer chick, preppy - whoever I want to be), and oh boy, it can be tough finding the perfect piece when you're not a size 12.

It feels odd, therefore, to just go through willy-nilly and start flinging things out. I think I have the reverse of that old scenario where things are too small, and you hesitate, thinking "but I might fit into it again sometime if I just lose the weight", knowing you never will. Half of me thinks I might need them again at some point. Which I really don't want to have to, so I'm going to have to find my sense of ruthlessness and exercise it. I'm going to keep back one pair of trousers to remind me where I've come from, and for the rest of it, I think it's just going to be one long trying on session to work out what's still good, and what really isn't going to make me feel good anymore.

EEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!

What scares me is that when I run out clothes completely, I'm going to have to start buying new stuff, and I'm automatically going to want to rebuild an entire wardrobe in the new size, which I can't afford to do because I've got at least 2 or 3 clothes sizes I need to still drop. I'm going to hate not having a big wardrobe for a while. I'll just have to keep reminding myself that as exciting as it may be to be able to buy something from Warehouse or Oasis in a 16, that's not the bigger picture, and I must stay focused on the end goal.

Actually, I went on a sneaky little shopping mission last night. More of a scouting mission really as I knew full well that I had no money to spend. What I wanted to do was see how much further I needed to go to get into a size 16. Since I've lost nearly 2 stone, I keep thinking that I must be getting there sometime soon! And what I've discovered is this:

• New Look jeans are much smaller than New Look smart trousers. I took in a size 16 and 18 of a pair of each. The size 18 jeans were still a slight squeeze, but the same in the smart trousers was almost falling off and the size 16 wasn't a massive reach away.
• Dorothy Perkins jeans are bigger than their tailoring. I tried on a skirt (ridiculously small - I mean inches apart on the waistband), some smart trousers (some way to go yet) and a pair of jeans, that I actually own in a 20. I love those jeans - they're the kind of slouch / utility fit ones, and the ones I had used to look great. I bought them in the 20 originally so they'd be a relaxed fit (although they were never actively loose), and loved them so much I went back and bought a second pair. It was weird to be wearing them in a 16 and have them damn nearly fit.

Go figure. Nobody can manage to make sizes that are the same across the board!

I'm actually thinking of going back and getting the jeans from Dorothy Perkins next week after pay day. They're pretty damn close to being a good fit, and would be wearable even now with with a slight looser top, and I think it'll be a good motivator and measuring tool to keep me going.

I have to admit that I'd love to be in a size 16 dress for the wedding at the end of next month, but I shan't hold my breath. Or actually, I suppose if I was in a size 16 dress, I'd have to hold my breath! lol